January 22, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

I struggle a whole lot with wanting to be perfect. Even in my faith journey I want to be perfect. If we accept Jesus’ death on the cross and His resurrection, then we need to realize that there is no way can we ever be perfect enough. If we were perfect then we would not have a need for a Savior who would give His life as a ransom for ours.

I have also struggled with sin. I felt justified in many of my sins. My bitterness to me was a natural consequence to all the abuse I suffered. My fear and dislike of men was justified, men hurt, so how can I trust? I felt like “doesn’t God understand” the pain in my life? Doesn’t God understand my fears? I did not think He did understand, how He would know, he never lived among us and faced the struggles we have faced. That was my thinking.

Pain piled up in my life. Everywhere I turned, I felt pain. I had physical pain, emotional pain and life to me was so difficult to live. I had moments where I would not go out the front door, life hurt too much and I was going to make someone unhappy with the way I am. In some ways that is how I have felt the last two years. Jesus has made me to see that He loves me, even if the ones around me don’t. A lot of my strength comes in the ugliness of the cross. It is there I see that all sin, white lies to me tiny sin is ugly to God. It is there that I marvel at God’s provision for us by sending His Son to redeem us.

As I am reading through the Bible, I come across Jesus’ genealogy. It is there that I see who the ancestor’s of our Savior were. I am focused at this point on the women that were mentioned. Many of the women were unsavory women. Tamar disguised herself as a prostitute and slept with her father-in-law. When her husband died, by law his brother was to sleep with her and give her an heir to carry on her husband’s line. Her father-in-law gave one son and when he died the third son was too young. He held back the third son and never sent him to Tamar. Finally Tamar disguised herself as a prostitute and a son was conceived when her father-in-law procured her services.

There is Rahab. She was a prostitute. She hid spies for Israel when they were spying out the land for occupation. Because she came to the aid of this foundling country she was saved and even became in direct line with Jesus. Ruth was great grandmother to King David. She lost her husband. There was no other man to help her have a child in the family. She loved her mother-in-law enough to go live in her country and give her own up. She was of foreign descent. When they moved back to Israel, a family member, a redeemer married Ruth. Finally there was Bathsheba. King David saw her on the roof bathing, decided he wanted her. He called for her and they slept together. A child was conceived. When Bathsheba told King David that she was pregnant, King David had her husband murdered and then took her as his wife. The child died. They later gave birth to Solomon who became a great King.

Most of these women had unsavory backgrounds. Most of them would have been shunned by their fellow citizens. All of them are ancestors to our Lord. In His background were people who did not do good things. I mentioned the women because I am a woman. There were men who were unsavory as well.

As I read the genealogy, I found myself feeling a sense of comfort. I found that I can never be perfect. I again find myself looking at the cross. Our Savior was willing to enter into our sin infested lives. He lived among us. He laughed, He cried, He loved and He felt every pain, emotional and physical pain we have. I am always sad when I ponder what He endured on the cross, before He even was nailed to the cross. I begin to find hope rising within me as I feel His last breath leave Him. I have such hope when I in my mind’s eye see once more that He has risen from the grave. At that point…..I feel Easter, Resurrection Sunday over and over in my heart.

I also learn that I am not perfect, can never be until heaven. I find myself giving me grace more I find myself giving grace to others. I have a deep desire to love as I have been loved by God and to reach out with the hope I have and share what I have learned.

I may have had sex before marriage, did drugs, and drank too much, lost my temper when I should not have etc. In Jesus though I am forgiven I am made new and such hope resides in me that I had never known before. As I embrace this hope I find that I am changing. I believe it is the Holy Spirit teaching me how to live a better life. I also find comfort that even with all of this I will fall down from time to time. At that point I almost sense God picking me up, dusting me off and sending me on my way again.

Where is your hope? Is it material possessions? Is it money? Is it family?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet