January 15, 2010

Greetings My Friend,

“Turn and Face” is a phrase that is playing around in my brain lately. I heard it for the first time in a sermon about 10 years ago. The minute I heard it I started playing it in my thoughts and it comes back to me frequently.

I think first of all of bullies. Over and over I have heard that until you “turn and face” a bully, they will continue to pick on you. Most often they will leave you alone if you go toe to toe with them and bop them right back. Bullies are more interested in scaring you than anything else. If you fight back, they tend to back down and will leave you alone.

One of the things I am seeing as I read through the Bible is that the Israelites’ often look back at where they came from. I see it in the Psalms frequently. I also see it in the New Testament. Stephen as he was being accused went back through the history of his culture. Paul often repeated how he came to faith in Jesus. Paul also talked about the past and Jewish history when he was being accused of the various crimes the Jewish leaders accused him of.

I am learning that in order to move forward it is important to look back and to see where you were. It does a couple of things. First by looking back, you can see that God has always been there. For me, I see the times God was faithful, even though I did not have a true faith walk. Those moments help me to see that God cares, will help, has helped me basically I learn that God will not “leave me or forsake me.” That gives me such courage. I am not alone. I feel alone a lot. When I allow God to “lead, guide and direct” me, I am able to move through life so much better. Next I begin to learn not to do certain things. As I look back and see what was not working, I begin to learn new ways to handle life. God seems to put on my heart the changes I need to make.

For years I felt a victim to what happened to me. I was and I also had a hard time letting go of hurt, anger and the list goes on. God is teaching me to let go of being a victim. Do I fall back, oh yes I do! Still I am moving forward. Knowing that I am a child of the King, of the Most High God helps me too. If I am a child of the King…..I am loved, wanted and I even am trusted to do things. To me that feels wonderful.

“Turn and Face…” I think again. If I don’t look, I shut the door. If I shut the door what am I closing? Am I truly facing the struggle? If I look, ponder and talk to God about what I see, what hurts I find myself moving out of despair into hope. Hope truly motivates me. If I have hope then I am able to face all kinds of things.

“Fake it till you make it.” That phrase is another one that I’ve played with for years. In that I learned to bluster my way through life. For the longest time I thought it helped me. As I look back I find that it did not really help me. I faked courage when I had none. I faked happiness when I was miserable and frankly I found no comfort. I learned to put on a “happy” face when inside I was miserable. I sounded so tough and actually I had no courage, but hey I sounded good!

These days I find more comfort in “Turn and face.” Until I look the enemy in the eye, I find myself running from him. Until I see what habits are contributing to my problem, then I can’t move away from the struggle. I tend to look back on my whole life a lot. I see where Dad used to pound on me, on all of us really. I see Mom and her caustic comments again. I am also made to look at what Mom and Dad went through. When I do that I find compassion inside of me instead of anger, bitterness, hurt and that list goes on.

Dad had polio. His parents walked out on us, leaving Mom with three small children. Mom was in charge of selling the trailer we lived in; packing the belongings into a car that was a problem. When the engine was turned off it took several hours to turn it back on again. Mom had to take three small children to the bathroom on our trip from Colorado back to Michigan. That was a 36hr drive. Mom had to help Dad into the bathroom. He was now in a wheel chair. Mom had to go get the food wherever we stopped to eat, Dad could not help.

Once we re-settled in Michigan, Mom went to work. Dad eventually taught himself how to walk and found a job. Money was always a struggle for them. The church was always there helping us in some fashion or other. Mom’s mother, a widow raising a son was helping us out as well.

Part of my looking back has been looking at how beat up we were. As I look though God has taught me to see what Mom and Dad had to deal with and in that I find such compassion.

God has been so faithful. As I pray I lift up people in my life that I struggle with. I pray “teach me to love those I find difficult to love.” He has taught me to be forgiving of my parents, my ex, and so many more people through the years. In this prayer, I find that I am able to let go of hurtful moments and to move on in life. Sometimes I do need an assist as in counseling, an accountability group etc. Again, I am moving forward.

Lately I ponder what would my life be like without Jesus. In the past the pain of life crippled me. I found it hard to get out of bed, to go out the front door and face life in general. Now I still know great pain, I’ve been struggling for a few years. I am in counseling again and again I am moving forward. With Jesus though, I find myself moving forward, even in great pain. That is the hope I have, Jesus and in Him I am able to face life, to be the weird mother, sister etc. I am able to write a book, to settle into a new state a new house and even make friends. My friends teach me I am lovable, wanted and useful. That helps me so much.

Who have you forgiven lately? Is it time?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet