September 18, 2010

Greetings My Friend,

I found some old notes from a workshop and I was reading them which started my mind going off in different directions. Some of the notes were:
: United Front
- That was a wonderful lesson and we learned this one early on.
Communication
- Check in with each other
- Love Language
Check in with each other made me think. When I was a youth advisor at church one of the things we did as we ended the evening was called “highlights and lowlights.” We went around the group and told of one highlight and one low moment of the preceding week. The last year I was an advisor, my mother was in the process of dying. Many weeks I told of the struggle we had that week. This allowed me to “feel” the pain, to share my struggle. I did not feel alone in the struggle. Yes, I was sharing it with my family, but with the teens, they were “safe.” They felt safe because they were distant from it and yet close in other ways.
Watching someone die is hard. You know that an end is coming. You don’t know when, so you try to “love” to say those last words. Even if the relationship is a hard one there are the things you want to “set straight” in regards to love. The physical care is also hard. Some of us were working outside the home, so we often came home and then took a shift with Mom. The one that was home all day had it hard as well. That one got to “oversee” the care and keep us all coordinated. It is hard all the way around. If someone got sick, that meant re-arranging and double duty.

Mom died. It was hard. No matter how much you “plan” to deal with it, there are still moments where you fall apart. I tended to do some of my grieving as I went through the process. Still the day comes and they are gone and…… Funny now…..Mom had a yorkie. She was precious. She was extremely small and medications often were too strong. We decided to take her in to get her teeth cleaned, she had bad bathroom habits. We thought that while we ran around she would be cared for. We had scheduled it prior to Mom’s passing so we thought we’d follow through. The Vet over medicated her and she died. I show up at the Vet and I lost it. I started crying. Long story short, we buried her with Mom. Junior and I were going to care for her and I did not want to deal with all that hair and was going to get her a puppy cut. We think Mom did not want her in a puppy cut so told her to get on up there.

As with a lot of my life, I struggled with knowing what to deal with as she was dying, at the funeral and the family as well. I dealt with Mom’s finances, the stress of everyone trying to care for her, and my own feelings of her passing. I was newly divorced. I had met Junior 10 months after the divorce and we were married 15 months after the divorce. My Ex was involved with Mom’s care which meant me running into him frequently. It took me a long time to not be in knots when I saw him and Mom’s death was difficult. The ‘90’s were a difficult decade for me. My nephew died, Dad died, a beloved Minister committed suicide, both Grandmother’s died and I was divorced. Mom ended the 90’s with her passing, she died in 1999.


The funeral was hard. My Ex was there. I hadn’t learned how to deal with us as “ex’s” It was hard. My emotions were all over the place. Poor Junior, I found myself following him talking to him one morning and I followed him to every room putting on clothes as I followed him. I couldn’t cry, I needed to cry and I was an emotional mess. I even found myself laughing at improper moments. I could not function “right.” To top all that off, I was starting to work through some of the struggles Mom and I had. I had shut the door for most of my life. When I moved in with her, I began to “see” things in a different light. Mom now was gone and I would never be able to “understand.” I would never be able to “ask” questions and find the answers.

The funeral home process was hard. Where do I stand? How do I function as the eldest daughter? So many things to deal with and I wasn’t up to speed anywhere. Then the Ex would be in my view and my emotions were even rawer. Everything was a blur. Junior was near, that helped me. K came in and brought me Junior Mints….such a comfort. She sat with me and talked so soothingly. Then the youth group came in. The Minister told them about my Mom. The kids themselves decided they needed to come by. In they walked, teen after teen came over to me and some hugged me. All offered kind words. For the first time in days I felt “wanted and loved.”

For a few moments while the teens were there I felt calmer. I was overwhelmed with their wonderful sense of love for me. I still found myself laughing at improper moments, but they seemed to understand that I was struggling. Those kids showed me that I was ok. They seemed to understand my emotions were raw and all over the place. They accepted me and didn’t want “more” from me than I could give.

Mom’s funeral took place. I slowly went back to being Junior’s wife, friend, lover and companion. Family struggles abounded. Hurt feelings were raw and would not go away for years. Mom’s passing continues to tug on my heart. Some days I struggle, I don’t miss Mom like I’d like to. Some of the family struggles have left a gash in my heart that hasn’t healed. For a few moments though, I felt love from some wonderful young people. That always warms my heart. Again, Junior, K, M, and other friends loved me through the hardest of moments. Those teens though…..they took time out of being a kid and came and brought me comfort.

As I end this my thoughts turn toward “unfinished” business. Do you have un-resolved issues with someone? Is it time to “open that door” one more time and resolve it?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet