September 25, 2010

Greetings My Friend,

I am feeling contemplative today. I have also been fascinated by history, more specifically family history and relationships. As I watch another generation come onto the scene and raise families I am intrigued. I begin to see what went on in the past and how it plays out today. One of the things I found interesting as I have read the Bible is that play of generations. It seems that what one generation does goes into the next generation and becomes more distorted. Alcoholism comes to mind. The disease of alcoholism will run in family lines for generations. In my family the disease is physical abuse.

I don’t know what kind of life my Grandfather lived as a child. I’m on a quest to find out who he was, what made him the way he was. I know a tad bit, not much more about my Grandmother. The two of them wrecked havoc on their family. It is at that point I pick up some of the trail. That trail starts with my Dad and his brother. Again, much is missing, but I do know pieces of what those boys endured.

Grandpa was a violent man. He often beat his family, brutally. He was married before he married my Grandmother. My Grandparents were married over 50 years. They stuck it out till Grandpa died. Grandma went on to marry three more times. The last husband was a calming influence on her. Dad could never accept Grandma. The last time she came to visit, he butted heads with her. For some reason, the past could not be cleared. My Uncle and his family were able to reconcile with her though.

Dad’s nickname when he was growing up was “Spike.” His anger would spike, he’d tear into somebody before he settled down. Dad had anger problems. Some part of me believes that Dad worked hard at controlling his temper. Still, it got the best of him a whole lot. We kids got the brunt of a lot of Dad’s anger. We were often bruised from the beatings. In there somewhere though, we felt Dad cared. Dad did have a heart. When he was a kid, Dad was always bringing home stray pets. As an adult, we had kids come live with us. Dad in his own way was trying to rescue kids from the craziness of life.

I grew up with a lot of anger. I’d soon as punch you as I’d talk to you. It was what I knew. It was done to me and I had a younger sister and brother and if I got punched, then I’d turn around and punch one or both of them. Dad was always on me about my anger. I’m glad he was because, I overcame it earlier in life than he did.

When I married the first time, there was lots of anger and punching and what have you going on. For me, I met my bully. We often settle down when we meet a bully bigger and meaner than us. That is what happened to me. I began to not like “bully” behavior. It hurts and I grew tired of constant battles. It took me 27 years to fully leave that life style. I dated for 3 years and was married 24. I also had some strange thought that if my kids saw me “fighting” for them, then they’d appreciate me more. I remember Mom watching Dad pound on us and never once make him stop. In my mind’s eye, I thought I was “showing” my kids that I cared. You know what? They did not “see” it that way.

At this stage of life, I sense my kids feel towards me as Dad did toward his mother. I learned in my many classes on abuse, on relationships that kids are generally angry at their Mother because she never got them out of that situation. It’s not a conversation we’ve ever had….it is the sense I get. For me, I remember that Grandma married at age 14. That is real young. Her father died. Her mother had a hard time making ends meet. To make money, she opened her house up to boarders. Grandma was in the way. Her mother would send Grandma off to live with her older siblings. Grandpa was way older. He felt sorry for Grandma and he married her. In my heart, I believe Grandma learned her abuse from her abuser. I’m not sure Grandma knew how to get out of her situation.

For me…..whenever I tried to leave….an adult was always sending me back. I was told that I was difficult and probably deserved it. I was told I made my bed, now I have to lie in it. One of the first brutal fights, I went to my in-laws. I had black eyes, both of them. They kept me over night and when my Father-in-Law took me back, he pulled his son aside and told him that no one likes seeing bruises, he needs to hide them. Once when my kids were very young, I had an awful night of abuse. I was bruised all over. I had been raped. I called my parents, they came and got me. For three weeks I stayed. Everyday Dad wanted me to give him money. I had no money. I had no job, no car. My Ex told me if I wanted money….I’d better get my butt back home. I went back home. I stayed another 20 some years.

I went back to school. I got some college and eventually got a job in the bank. Through the ensuing years, I’d think we were “overcoming” our problem. The cycle of abuse would quiet down and all of sudden it was back. Deaths were hard. Everyone was raw and often a fight would happen. Holidays were hard, prime time for a major fight. Finally after 24 years of marriage, it was over. I’d always thought that we’d be the couple who struggled but in later years we’d become close friends. We weren’t. The marriage ended.

That whole lifestyle is behind me now. Junior and I rarely raise our voices at each other and have never struck out in anger. We have been married 12 years now. I thank God everyday for Junior. We have a “friendship, companionship” marriage. It is so very hard to walk away from ingrained habits. For me…..I believe Jesus has come along side of me and showed me how to love in healthy ways. He is with me when I feel anger rising inside of me and shows me how to move past it. He teaches me how to love and for me I am/have learned Agape love.

I am sad that my/our kids grew up in all that junk. I love them from afar. I pray for them. I love those grandkids tons. I write to them. At this point, my biggest wish is that they meet Jesus. In Him, they will find the peace that took me a life time to find.

Is there someone in your life you need to forgive? It is so good for you to forgive. Is it time?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet