May 1, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
Today, I am thinking about being content. It is something I have strived for. It has eluded me for a good portion of my life. I am now starting to be content. I am finding that “things,” don’t make me content. Relationships don’t either. For me contentment has truly come as I have learned to have a personal relationship with the Lord and as I learn to love God, I find I am able to love others in a deep way.
Philippians 4:11-13 is one of those passages that often speak to my heart. “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”
I remember having the dream, “two kids, a station wagon, and a dog in the yard and a house in the suburbs.” I had that and still I was unfulfilled. I was sad, depressed a very discontented woman. Then I thought that owning a minivan would make me happy, nope, I wasn’t happy.
As a child, money was tight, very tight. We did not know at times where our next meal was going to come from. We often lived life on a day to day basis. It scared me. I had a constant fear that we would live on the street. I carried this fear into my adult life as well.
From age 23 to about age 46, I was in and out of counseling. I could not find peace. I wanted to idealize people too. I wanted to put them on a pedestal. I felt if I could find the “right” person and totally love them, then I would be loved, wanted and special. My love was an all consuming love.
I grew up in the church. I took my kids to church. I never had a problem believing that God existed. I could not figure out how to talk to God, to give God my heart. I would pray some. I would wake up in the middle of the night with deep fear gripping me. I would pray for my children from time to time. When my son began to get in serious trouble I learned to pray even more for him.
I was married for 24 years and then I was divorced. The marriage had been a roller coaster, still I thought we’d figure it out and then “get” it right. I thought we’d be one of those couples who in later years would come around and have a deep love and peace. It did not happen.
I moved in with my Mom just before we divorced. My goal was to clean up Mom’s house and prepare it for retirement. Mom and Dad did not keep an orderly home. My gift was to give Mom a cleaned up house. That year or so helped me so much. I cleaned up that house. I helped paint, my brother doing most of that. I cleaned out the basement. All that cleaning, lugging stuff to the curb helped me find peace.
I remember one of the nights lying in my bed. I prayed. I began talking to God. I talked to Him like He was my friend. I cried and told God how scared I was. I then asked God to allow me to be married again…something I had never wanted to do again. Marriage had been such hard work. I then started asking God for what I wanted in a husband. I wanted a man who had an education. I was not interested in a rich man. I did want our bills to be paid and enough money to pay those bills. I wasn’t looking for much more than a comfortable lifestyle…not fancy….extravagant. I wanted a healthy relationship. That was important to me. Then I asked God for a man who took his faith seriously. Oh, I asked for a man that I could look up to.
I went on with my life. I went to work. I went to church and continued on with being a youth advisor to the teens. I went to my counseling sessions. My counselor suggested I try a Divorce Recovery group. I went to that and found that helpful too. I even started to make friends, single friends. I was finding that I could move on. I was even enjoying myself.
Along the way I met Junior (a little too soon but hey it works). We have been married for 12 years now. Our marriage has been very satisfying. He is my best friend. I never believed a husband and wife could be best friends. We are. Junior takes his faith very seriously. He insisted that I put God before him. That was weird to me. I began talking to God and then reading my Bible.
The more I prayed and read my Bible, the more content I felt. Some of that is God makes me feel so special. The wonderful thing is God makes each one of us feel like we are very precious. As my faith has grown, I find I can face life. I can deal with people not loving me better now. I can accept that I am hard to love. I can love even if others don’t love me.
Somewhere along the way, I have learned that it isn’t fancy vacations, a showcase pretty house or lots of money that makes me happy. Today contentment is living each day for God. The more I am able to give God my heart, the more I find life not so hard and scary. If people don’t like me, I am able to move on. I am able to get up and face each and every day now. When I do stumble on occasion, God places help in my path. Last year I was grieving a relationship gone sour. I struggled and people close to me were concerned. I met with our Minister for several weeks. I am moving forward once more.
As I look back on my life I think I felt very unwanted. It is not something I realized as I went through life. It is something I see on hindsight. With Jesus though, I find life so sweet. I am happy more days than not now. Again it isn’t in the stuff. It is in knowing I am precious. With this love, I am able to face each day. I have a purpose which makes me feel good too. God has work for me to do and I love it. I am a writer, a friend, a wife (a job I adore), a mother, a grandmother and life is so very sweet.
As I end this, I have a question. What makes you happy?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet