April 24, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
It seems to me that last year, I tended to look at relationships and that so far this year I am looking at my personality traits. I have had people try to direct me in my flaws and attempt to show them to me. Many of the attempts have been loving and tender, some haven’t.
I am again pondering “me.” I am in prayer a whole lot about “me,” as well. As I began my faith journey I remember praying to God and asking Him to be patient with me, help me grow and when I fell down, I asked that He would pick me up, dust me off and then send me on my way again. God has been faithful in helping me to “grow” into a woman after His heart. I wanted to “love” people. I wanted to “love” even if it hurt.
I have “loved” a whole lot since entering into my faith journey. I am able to love Junior and I believe that we have a fairly healthy relationship. I don’t think it was anything either of us was capable of on our own. We both have a track record of a failed marriage, a dysfunctional lifestyle. We pray often for our marriage, pretty much each day really. I believe that God teaches us to love, to deal with our flaws…the piece of the prayer that goes something like….”Lord Open my eyes and my heart to Junior,” has helped me to look past his strange to “me” ways
I don’t get angry like I used to get. Anger just does not well up inside of me anymore, do I occasionally get angry? Sure, I do. I just don’t have the depth of anger and to be honest, I can’t be the angry girl I was with my siblings, the angry frustrated wife I used to be in my other marriage. It is gone. God, I believe has taken that away from me.
I still have traits that are annoying. I wish they would go away. I pray asking God to take these flaws away from me. He reminds me from time to time that He may not take some things away. God told Paul that he would not take something away from him. God was made known with these struggles that Paul had. 2 Corinthians 12:7 – 9.
I keep seeing a picture, many times after I pray, I will see this. Is it God talking to me? I am starting to think maybe it is. I get this picture often. I see a clam. Then I see sand. I see that the sand is an irritant and then a pearl is formed. I also “hear” Junior. He often will tell people that he knows that he is not concerned when people are upset when he tells them about Jesus or that they may be headed to hell. He feels that pleasing God is more important. Junior also does not WANT anyone to go to hell, so if he was a little abrasive and they turn their heart to God…..well….
As people come alongside of me….I find I have courage. I find that many people will accept me, warts and all. God seems to accept me RIGHT where I am at. That really helps me. I am finding that if “each” of us will look at ourselves we will find….there are some flaws that are hard for others to deal with.
“M” has known me forever and a day. She is a precious friend. She knew me in my other life. She will often acknowledge that I have personality defects and then she says, “You’ve always been that way.” M has loved me for the heart of who I am. She loves me like God does. She loves me right where I am at. M has also helped me grow out of some of my defects too. She just loved, accepted me and rejoiced with me as I grew. That is how God loves us. He takes us right where we are at. For me that was wonderful. That right where I am at thing then leads to growth. When I found that God loves me “warts and all”…Wow! That is the point I was able to start to change. I couldn’t really change much until I was accepted AND loved.
In my walk with the Lord….I am able to love, to give and to grow. Until I met Jesus, my growth was slow. Since giving Jesus my heart….I am a different woman. I am a more content woman. I have a desire to give, to reach out and even do some hard to do things.
I am a “people pleaser.” I have wanted to find the right formula to love people. You know what? There isn’t a right formula. A lot of what I do to try to please people….really aggravates them. My heart at this stage is one that wants to please God. When I give God my heart, He is faithful and just. He helps me face life. He also reminds me that the people loved Jesus and then they hated him. They flocked to Him and then they had Him crucified.
When we walk with Jesus….we will have our trails. We will. Still I find a peace, contentment when I walk with Jesus. I find courage, a courage I never had before. I find a desire to please Him/God. I am also starting to be comfortable with the fact that “everyone” won’t like me. I am never going to make all people LOVE me. It won’t happen. I do find though, that when I give God my heart….I am able to love, even if my love isn’t returned.
Have you given God your heart? Is it time?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet