Oct 31, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

I’ve been thinking about my thought life. Before I took Jesus into my heart…..I had a rampant thought life. I had pornographic thoughts, angry thoughts, and unkind thoughts. I hardly ever thought wholesome, kind, things.

My morning shower was a disaster….I allowed my thoughts to wander where ever they willed and usually came out of the shower with a clean body and an unhappy woman. I was depressed, unhappy and dreaded living.

One of the first things I learned as I accepted Jesus in my heart was that He would come live in my heart. I liked the idea that Jesus would be with me ALL the time. I found myself being excited because I was learning that I would never be alone. If I accepted Jesus as my Savior and He was going to live with me All the time – I needed to let go of my awful thought life! It was like when I was a kid. You know…you did not want your parents to know some of the stuff you were into. You wanted them to think you were a good kid, that kind of thing.

I also was reminded of the lesson’s I learned with computers, “Garbage in – Garbage out!” I was finding that what I allowed myself to dwell upon, was in essence was “who” I was. I started to not like “those” thoughts. I was finding that they also kept me depressed, unable to love or even to be loved. So with the Lord’s help, I began to purge my thought life.

I also learned that Jesus will live with you if there is room in your heart. If you fill it with junk, then there isn’t room for Jesus. I asked God to help me. First I realized that my shower time was disastrous. God placed it upon my heart to sing in the shower. I started memorizing hymns. I sang those hymns each morning in the shower. Soon I found that when shower time was over……I wasn’t depressed. I began to see each day as an adventure. That was fun.

I had some deep hurts. They were hard to let go of. Next God placed it on my heart to nail my struggles to the cross. Junior made me a huge wooden cross. I began nailing those hurt’s up on the cross. When I tried to take the struggle back and help God. God would remind me that my struggle was nailed to the cross. I found that I was beginning to leave my struggle with God and not pull it out to chew on. As I learned to leave it at the cross – I began to feel peace. Today, I can picture myself nailing my struggle to the cross – I don’t always have to do it physically anymore. If I can’t, then I will go back and do it physically.

God began to teach me a prayer too. I now pray for people I find difficult to deal with. I ask God to teach me to love them. This is a huge blessing – I don’t hold onto resentment, bitterness or anxiety anymore. I let it go.

Now if my mind begins to wander, to think unwholesome things, to have bitter feelings, I ask God to take those thoughts away from me. I am always amazed, because God is faithful and before I know it….my

thoughts are gone and wholesome thoughts begin to fill me.

One of the struggles I have with Halloween is the invitation we give evil to enter our lives. Children may dress up as evil people, spirits, and witches….stuff like that. I know that it is meant to be in fun….still when we invite evil in….. As your children go out to celebrate, may I suggest that you encourage them to pick things that may not get a foothold in their lives? I believe life is hard enough without…..

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

Oct 24, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

There is a commercial on Christian radio I love. It goes something like, “I am my favorite topic, and I love to talk about me, think about me…” At work, my sister, my nieces, has from time to time reminded me…..”Janet, it’s not all about you.”

As I have come to love Jesus I am learning a precious lesson. Agape love – that is a love where you seek another’s highest good. When I am seeking another’s highest good, I find that I am able to let go of junk in my life. I have also learned that seeking another’s highest good does not mean you become a door mat either.

For 15 years I was a youth advisor at my old church. I loved being with the teens. As I gave my heart to them, I found that the struggles in my life – for a few hours each week anyway were gone. I began to focus my attention on other things and many times, I was able to find answers to struggles because I could take my mind off of them for a little while.

I have a friend in Celebrate Recovery – she came to me when her boyfriend was abusing her. We went to Celebrate Recovery and she is able to stay away from her abuser – from others who abuse her now. It has been precious to watch her grow in Christ and to walk away from people who want to hurt her.

Again, when I am not all into me – I begin to reach out – to see needs – to help people. For me – I am able to relate to women who have been or are being abused. My Dad beat us kids. My first husband beat me – yes I at times clawed, scratched, threw things at him, still he was bigger and attacked me as well. I believe that God does not want us to hurt – be hurt. Because of our fallen nature – hurt enters our lives and God allows it. When I learned to trust God – it was a challenge for me for many years because – God is male – men hurt – that was my reality. One day I prayed, began to trust God and slowly at times – I have begun healing.

I have also begun to see that God gives Agape love. In the Garden, when Adam and Eve ate the fruit, God banished them from the Garden. God also provided clothes for them. Right from the beginning God was seeking their highest good. Later God called Abraham, sent His Son and continues to seek our highest good. We have to choose God though (Jesus). God gives us a choice to choose Him or not. When I chose Jesus to be my Savior – I began to receive healing, comfort, strength and peace.

Through the years….I have felt God’s love. That love is what has helped me get out of bed and face the day. When I was first married to Junior we were praying. He told me that he felt the Holy Spirit. I was so curious – How do you feel the Holy Spirit? Who is He? And the questions bombarded me.

My passion is to introduce Jesus, The Holy Spirit to people. I have seen healing in my own life and I want to share what I have been given. So, this part of my life is about me….sort of. I find when I can tell about what I have learned – well, that seems to resonate with people. Firsthand experience – that says a whole lot.

One of my favorite songs is Amazing Grace – “I was once lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.” That is how I feel – literally.

Here I go again. Where is your hope? Is it in money, a nice house, cool possessions? You know that those things are nice…but my real hope…..is Jesus.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

Oct 17, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

As we continue to settle in our home, I find myself wanting to be a wife….a woman who cares for her family…..keeps house…..cooks dinner….stuff like that. In my heart I believe that God created men and women differently. Raising my son taught me that boys are rough and tough, make loud noises and approach life differently than a girl will.

Even as a young girl I wanted to be a wife and mother. I did not want a “career.” I wanted to stay home and care for my family. My mother had to work. Dad had polio, he could not work for several years and when he could, he could only get menial jobs. I remember wishing Mom could be home when we got home from school – like most of the mom’s of my generation. I understood her need to work – still I wished she were at home.

I did wind up working – I even had a career. My heart was to be a mother first though. My dream right now is to get up, putz in the house, go visit Emma and then in the afternoon write for a few hours. Being a homemaker – that is what fills me. Junior is a gem. He loves doing laundry – so I let him. I wanted to buy a dishwasher – he decided he would do dishes. Many mornings, before I get up, Junior vacuums the carpet. Junior helps me keep house. I love it. Still, I have fun making our meals, keeping the clothes folded and in general pick up the house.

The Proverbs 31 woman can be intimidating. I find comfort in it though. I find that my “style” of being a woman is in there. It even shows that a woman can work outside the home – and still be a caring wife and mother. Somewhere deep inside of me I feel that my first priority is being a wife then a mother, then a career woman.

As I watch the mother cat care for her young – her first priority is the young. She will lie down and nurse the babies when they are hungry. She is content and does nothing else while the young are feeding. Me – when I nursed, I tried to multitask. I would read to the older child while I nursed, I would talk on the phone etc. At the end of the day I was always extremely tired. Did I realize that this time was very short – very precious? NO!

I have a prayer that God gave me. “Slow down, bow down, calm down.” When I am feeling frantic, over whelmed, or flat out stressed, this prayer reminds me that it isn’t about how much, how fast I can do life, and it is about taking time to “smell the roses, pet the cat” as well.

I believed for many years that it was important to have a picture perfect house. I believed that I needed to bake cookies – from scratch and I needed to be at every game, activity in order to be a perfect mother. It is impossible – it is hard to live up to. The best gifts you can give your children are time, a chance to meet Jesus. I believe that prayer is important. I did not always understand talking to God about my child. God will lead you if you let Him.

When my son was in high school – he was getting into a lot of trouble. I was frightened for him. At that point I learned a prayer and prayed it often. “Let go, Let God.” I would tell God what I knew, I would then release it to God and in that I found peace….comfort. My son grew up; he is a responsible husband and father. I believe in my heart that God watched out after my son.

Even now I pray for my family. I pray each day for the kids, grandkids, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews and their children. I may not be able to do a whole lot for them….I can cover them in prayer – even if they aren’t talking to me.

Prayer….it helps me in so many ways. I get to give people I care about to God. I can release personal struggles to God. I find that prayer helps me cope, face life.

I have used a “formula” prayer for many years now. I don’t say the exact same words every day but I use it to walk through my conversations with God. It is ACTSS - Accolades (to God), Confession, Supplication and Service. I find that in this I have come to wholeness – I no longer need to be in counseling for years on end. As I focus on God, on others, I find myself being able to think outside myself. It is freeing and a wonderful sense of purpose fills me now.

I suggest that you pray for your family, for your neighbors, your co-workers – anyone you know. I have learned to love people whom I can’t relate to, who are difficult and I have even learned to love my family.

May God Bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

October 10, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

Porch sitting –I have come to love it. Out here in Virginia – I tend to sense God even more. Many people tell me, “This is God’s country.” The more I sit out here – the more I marvel at creation. I realize again that we are not a fluke of nature – nature has been created by God! The quietness envelopes me – invites me to be still, to listen – crickets creaking, the humming birds chattering, the caw of a bird fills the air. Green is everywhere and it is dotted with yellow, red, purple and a blue sky frames it all in. As I soak up nature’s beauty, I find peace seeping into my pores. As I allow myself to be still – I find love. In love I find power, strength and courage. Again God tells me that I am valuable, I am precious.

Lately I marvel….the Janet of 20 years ago or more would wrap her house around her. She would avoid life – life was too painful to live. The Janet of today can and does hurt. Today, I’ve learned to cry out to God. He takes me out to the porch and tells me to sit. As I sit God sends the humming bird over and he chatters. I hear birds cawing, crickets creaking. I see flowers burst forth in yellows, reds and purples. In this, peace begins to fill me. God has told me again how precious I am. I didn’t have to jump up and down or beg to be loved. God heard my cry and gave me his love. God reminds me….yes life can be difficult- sometimes I will send you into the fire. He reminds me again, “I never will leave you or forsake you! I will astound you at what YOU CAN DO! – In my power!

So porch time comes to an end again today. God reminds me to come back tomorrow – He wants to fill me yet again.

Love

Janet

October 3, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

I don’t work like I used to. The energy level isn’t what it used to be. Emma, Junior keeps telling me – just do a little at a time and it will get done. I tell myself…”I’m retired now, I don’t have to get things done on a schedule anymore – just work steadily and it will get done.” Slowly I am adapting to this type of work style.

The thing I love about cats…is they are quiet. Our cats are friendly with us, want us to love on them, interact with them and we love it. The more my office space gets organized, the more the cats seem to think that this space belongs to them! As I approached my office area two cats were sleeping on a book shelf that is in front of the window. I have not put any books on the shelf yet. One cat was in a box I put on the floor. I am putting paper in this box that I will come back to at some point and file.

I opened a box and in it were books. I put the books on the hutch shelf. After I finished, I put the empty box outside to be thrown away. The babies slept through that endeavor. Next I opened up some file boxes to use for my files. Carrie decided she needed to help me. She jumped in the box and played with my hands while I tried to put the sides up on the box. Sara decided she needed to move, so she got out of the box on the floor with my papers to be filed and climbed up on my desk and promptly went back to sleep. Alex decided that Carrie was too active, so he moved from the window to a bottom shelf on the back wall and closed his eyes right away.

Our move, our settling in keeps teaching me that plans are good, but be prepared for them to change frequently. God seems to be teaching me something – I don’t have the full lesson down yet – but I sense a lesson.

When I worked, it was important to be organized, to stay on task or I would never have been able to do the work load I had to do. What came in had to be done at the end of the day. Prior to working at the bank, I was not very organized.

Learning, I have felt I was not very bright through the years. I remember learning in school that you should take daily baths and brush your teeth every day. I remember a light bulb going off in my head and so when I went home and when Mom got home from work – I told her what I learned. She gave me what today is a “no duh” attitude. Mom never told us to take a bath or brush our teeth. Dad would get mad if we took daily baths. My parents thought that we should know things…even if they never taught us.

When I was held back in second grade, I felt like a failure. I felt like everybody “knew” and I didn’t. I was crushed. I have spent most of my life trying to “catch on.”

As the years have passed, I have found that I am not a dummy. When I went to college, I was on the honor roll. Later in the work world, I was promoted often. Slowly I learned I was not the dummy I thought I was.

As I entered the work world, I learned other lessons as well. I learned to respect myself. The ladies would encourage me when I took a stand. I adopted a “hard” stance. Our area had to balance out every night. Loan Officers often tried to con you into putting through one more transaction. I hated telling them “no”. I want people to like me – sometimes at any cost to myself worth – self respect. When I stood up for myself – the ladies would cheer me on.

As I learned this at work, I took the lesson home with me. I began to stand up for myself more and more. The thing is when you change the way you relate to people in your life – it creates tension. I was finding out that I did not need to be hit, belittled etc. I began to dream. My dream was I wanted to live a “boring” life.

I was getting tired of living on a roller coaster. If someone died, had surgery, whatever, the roller coaster was set in motion. To be honest, I loved the drama for many years. As I got older, went through counseling, I began to understand that I did not need to live with all that tension.

I was also learning that I was not a dummy. I was treated like a dummy, felt like one and so acted like one. It was a “safe” way to be. At work, I was treated like I was smart, caring etc.

As I have entered into my new life, I’ve left behind the “dumb” blond routine. I pull it out now for fun. I don’t hide behind it though. People talk to me like I am smart. They accept my ideas. They look to me for guidance as well. It feels good.

I am also learning that I can change the way I’ve always done things. As Emma, Junior teach me to settle into retirement and work differently, I learn that the rigidness I knew at work does not need to be the way I operate now.

I am not bored – I was afraid I would be. I work when I can, take a break when I need to, change my plans and reformulate the game plan as I need to. It is strange, yet freeing too. As I go through this learning process, I hear God…”Slow down, bow down, calm down.” Many Christian workers do a lot of work. For me, I sense that I need to live slower, to take time to contemplate life, to write what I learn. Living a fast paced life won’t be of use to me. It is hard for me to be slow – yet as I allow God to teach me to slow down, I find my heart to be at peace.

I truly love sitting on the porch in the mornings, drinking a cup of coffee, watching the humming birds fly in and out. I love going for a walk down the country lane by us. Sometimes I find myself talking out loud to God. I marvel at the beauty that is all around me. I love taking the trash over to the dumpster, going to get the mail from the mail box. I love keeping house again. I love making Junior dinner – I made chicken and dumplings! (A new/old favorite.)

I am older now. Still it is wonderful that I can learn new things. As I learn, I find peace. I am thankful to God again. He loves me, He teaches me and He continues to use me.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet