October 3, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

I don’t work like I used to. The energy level isn’t what it used to be. Emma, Junior keeps telling me – just do a little at a time and it will get done. I tell myself…”I’m retired now, I don’t have to get things done on a schedule anymore – just work steadily and it will get done.” Slowly I am adapting to this type of work style.

The thing I love about cats…is they are quiet. Our cats are friendly with us, want us to love on them, interact with them and we love it. The more my office space gets organized, the more the cats seem to think that this space belongs to them! As I approached my office area two cats were sleeping on a book shelf that is in front of the window. I have not put any books on the shelf yet. One cat was in a box I put on the floor. I am putting paper in this box that I will come back to at some point and file.

I opened a box and in it were books. I put the books on the hutch shelf. After I finished, I put the empty box outside to be thrown away. The babies slept through that endeavor. Next I opened up some file boxes to use for my files. Carrie decided she needed to help me. She jumped in the box and played with my hands while I tried to put the sides up on the box. Sara decided she needed to move, so she got out of the box on the floor with my papers to be filed and climbed up on my desk and promptly went back to sleep. Alex decided that Carrie was too active, so he moved from the window to a bottom shelf on the back wall and closed his eyes right away.

Our move, our settling in keeps teaching me that plans are good, but be prepared for them to change frequently. God seems to be teaching me something – I don’t have the full lesson down yet – but I sense a lesson.

When I worked, it was important to be organized, to stay on task or I would never have been able to do the work load I had to do. What came in had to be done at the end of the day. Prior to working at the bank, I was not very organized.

Learning, I have felt I was not very bright through the years. I remember learning in school that you should take daily baths and brush your teeth every day. I remember a light bulb going off in my head and so when I went home and when Mom got home from work – I told her what I learned. She gave me what today is a “no duh” attitude. Mom never told us to take a bath or brush our teeth. Dad would get mad if we took daily baths. My parents thought that we should know things…even if they never taught us.

When I was held back in second grade, I felt like a failure. I felt like everybody “knew” and I didn’t. I was crushed. I have spent most of my life trying to “catch on.”

As the years have passed, I have found that I am not a dummy. When I went to college, I was on the honor roll. Later in the work world, I was promoted often. Slowly I learned I was not the dummy I thought I was.

As I entered the work world, I learned other lessons as well. I learned to respect myself. The ladies would encourage me when I took a stand. I adopted a “hard” stance. Our area had to balance out every night. Loan Officers often tried to con you into putting through one more transaction. I hated telling them “no”. I want people to like me – sometimes at any cost to myself worth – self respect. When I stood up for myself – the ladies would cheer me on.

As I learned this at work, I took the lesson home with me. I began to stand up for myself more and more. The thing is when you change the way you relate to people in your life – it creates tension. I was finding out that I did not need to be hit, belittled etc. I began to dream. My dream was I wanted to live a “boring” life.

I was getting tired of living on a roller coaster. If someone died, had surgery, whatever, the roller coaster was set in motion. To be honest, I loved the drama for many years. As I got older, went through counseling, I began to understand that I did not need to live with all that tension.

I was also learning that I was not a dummy. I was treated like a dummy, felt like one and so acted like one. It was a “safe” way to be. At work, I was treated like I was smart, caring etc.

As I have entered into my new life, I’ve left behind the “dumb” blond routine. I pull it out now for fun. I don’t hide behind it though. People talk to me like I am smart. They accept my ideas. They look to me for guidance as well. It feels good.

I am also learning that I can change the way I’ve always done things. As Emma, Junior teach me to settle into retirement and work differently, I learn that the rigidness I knew at work does not need to be the way I operate now.

I am not bored – I was afraid I would be. I work when I can, take a break when I need to, change my plans and reformulate the game plan as I need to. It is strange, yet freeing too. As I go through this learning process, I hear God…”Slow down, bow down, calm down.” Many Christian workers do a lot of work. For me, I sense that I need to live slower, to take time to contemplate life, to write what I learn. Living a fast paced life won’t be of use to me. It is hard for me to be slow – yet as I allow God to teach me to slow down, I find my heart to be at peace.

I truly love sitting on the porch in the mornings, drinking a cup of coffee, watching the humming birds fly in and out. I love going for a walk down the country lane by us. Sometimes I find myself talking out loud to God. I marvel at the beauty that is all around me. I love taking the trash over to the dumpster, going to get the mail from the mail box. I love keeping house again. I love making Junior dinner – I made chicken and dumplings! (A new/old favorite.)

I am older now. Still it is wonderful that I can learn new things. As I learn, I find peace. I am thankful to God again. He loves me, He teaches me and He continues to use me.

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet