August 15, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

I keep thinking about love. I have been able to move out of emotional pain and despair when I know I have been loved. I have so much more courage and I can face day to day life when I know that I am loved. Love has set me free in so many wonderful ways. When I am loved, I have courage and I can face the hard parts of life.

When my children were small, I wanted to run from life. I wanted to sleep all day, every day. I remember having a fight with a friend and afterward, I wanted to never leave my house. My house felt like a big warm fuzzy blanket and I wanted to wrap myself up in my house.

As I went through divorce, I felt unwanted and unloved again. This time though, I began to pray. When I met Junior, he taught me to turn to God. I had always believed that God existed, I had not figured out how to talk to God. Junior showed me how to talk to God, to trust God.

Junior was not a nice person at one point in his life. He was a scary man. When I met Junior, he had been walking with the Lord for many years. Even today, Junior can appear to be a gruff kind of guy and he is able to shut doors when people won’t accept him. The Junior I love, the Junior I know – loves God unashamedly. He has no problem telling people that they are headed for hell if they won’t accept Jesus.

I have seen this rough guy be so tender. He has a very compassionate heart. He can be so tender with me. I am amazed at Junior’s tenderness. I can also see Junior be straight forward in his comments. Junior to me is a wonderful mix of a man.

I look to Junior to lead me. I feel safe with Junior’s leadership in my life. I trust Junior as I have never trusted anyone else.

As I prayed after my divorce, I began to ask God to put me in a good relationship, to be with a man who took his faith “seriously.” Junior takes his faith seriously and I love it.

As I began to open my heart to God, I was finding love. I was riding the stationary bike one time. I was reading my Bible and praying. I was so sad, my daughter was rejecting me. She was angry at me and I did not know why. I hurt SO badly! I felt God tell me to lift my eyes. It was like He was telling me, “Look up.” As I did I almost felt God’s hand on my chin. He was holding me tenderly and telling me that He loved me. Wow! I had never felt that kind of love before.

The more I allowed myself to “feel” God’s love, the more I wanted to love others – even when it hurt.

Junior and I made a commitment to attend as many marriage seminars as possible. We grew up in dysfunction. We both had not married well the first time. We did not want a repeat of our first marriage. Even though we were not happy, divorce did not feel good either. We wanted to allow God to be the center of our marriage of our lives.

As I came to accept Junior’s love, I learned that men were alike in many ways. I also learned that “men” did have feelings. Men did feel pain. My experience was that “men” were tough – and they are, I learned that they did not feel emotional pain or physical pain. Junior taught me that they indeed felt both.

I began to marvel at God’s creation of a man. Men have muscles. They are able to lift heavy objects and it is not a real problem. Men can do physical labor and they don’t tire as quickly as I do – a woman. Men are able to talk to each other in what a woman would consider mean ways. They call each other “ugly.”

God blessed me with two children. I raised a daughter and a son. When my son came along, I began to see that boys ARE different than girls. They come out of the womb ready to tackle the world. They are fearless. My daughter wanted to jump out of her crib. She was cautious. She threw out her pillow and stuffed animals first. Then she jumped out of the crib – onto a soft padding. When my son was able to jump out of the crib – he just hopped out – no soft landing.

My son made loud noises. My daughter played quietly. My son loved to pull me in the wagon. My daughter liked being pulled. I had learned through the years that boys like to be rough and girls liked to be tender.

As I go along in my marriage, I am finding that I feel loved when Junior is tender. I love to be held, talked to softly. I find that Junior feels loved when I notice what a hard worker he is. He loves it when I enjoy his muscles. Junior loves it when I watch him work. I love it when Junior will go shopping with me – the department store type of shopping. Junior likes to go to Home Depot and he likes when I go with him.

What I find is an act of love – Junior does not find it as exciting as I do. He does things because he knows that I like them. With Junior, going to Home Depot has become fun. I catch him playing with power tools. He gets excited over guns. I don’t. I have come to love going “man” shopping because, Junior will “girl” shop with me.

I find that men feel loved in a different way than women. When Junior is working, he loves for me to come and sit and watch him work. I just talk to him. He also loves it when I notice his “work.” He likes me to comment positively on it.

As I learn how to blend into Junior, I find again the one fleshness. We are different. When we come together, we become one. I compliment Junior. I am his helpmate and you know what? It feels good.

How are you making the men in your life feel loved? Dose love always have to be what you want? Do you try to find ways to love your husband, son, brother, man in your life in ways that feel good to him?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet