January 31, 2009
James 2:1
My brothers, as believers in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, you must never treat people in different ways according to their outward appearance.

Greetings my Friend,
I was having a conversation with a friend. It was a struggle I had recently gone through. It was a struggle I continue to deal with even though I am long out of high school. I have always wanted to be “popular.” I have always wanted to be like other people – to know I am “normal.”
I have always been a little different. As an adult I have tended to walk in two different worlds. I understand a lower middle class way of life and for some reason; I am able to interact with middle class people as well. I have wanted to blend more with the middle class people, to fit in. I have always been amazed when I have been accepted by this crowd. I am amazed when they want to be friends with me. For a long time, I even struggled with not having a college degree. I got married out of high school and had children right away. I felt inadequate and different.
I loved being a mother although I eventually found myself taking college classes. I needed to work and the classes helped me earn a decent income. I never completed a degree. I did get enough education to work in the Commercial Loan Processing area at the bank. I often talked to CEO’s or CFO’s regarding their loans. I handled millions of dollars in transactions. Still, I never felt adequate. I still felt inferior.

While at the bank, I found myself wanting to be part of the “in” crowd. The crowd that helped management make decisions. I never felt like I had arrived there either. As the years went by I noticed I did not respect some of those people that I thought were popular. They were often mean, vindictive people. The more I thought about it I did not want to be the type that would “do” anything to move ahead. Actually, the more I walked with Jesus; I learned that my goal was to seek another person’s highest good. When I was seeking someone’s best, I often felt better about myself and wasn’t as worried about being liked.

I found that this new thinking worked at home too. I found myself trying to seek my husband’s highest good. I don’t seek Junior’s highest good to make myself look better; I seek it to let him be who God is creating him to be. Again, I found myself liking “me” a whole lot more. One of my co-workers commented one time when I had taken the attention away from her that, “it was not about me.” You see, I like making a whole lot of life all about me. It is probably because I am the oldest and I had lots of attention as the oldest.

I was an at home mother for many years. Later, I went to work and moved up a bit. I handled lots of money. I have found that many people in my life are under impressed with what I have accomplished. I am finding that I don’t care anymore what others think about me. I love Jesus and He loves me. Junior loves me for who I am. In that, I find myself letting go of the need to be popular.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to sine upon you.

Love
Janet

January 24, 2009

Numbers 6:220-27
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.

Greeting my Friend,

After one our dates, I asked Junior if I could put my cheek on his cheek. I had the desire to feel close to him. It was a new sensation for me and I was startled at that desire. Later I found out that the cheek to cheek touch was a very romantic touch and it is not wise to enter into right away. I found that I felt very safe with Junior right from the start, although I wasn’t aware of that till later on in our relationship. I also marvel at the desire itself. Cheek to cheek was not me. Touching for most of my life was difficult at best and to allow myself to be that vulnerable was strange.

When we got married, I moved in with Junior. I moved some of my clothes in, my cat Alex and a dresser. We stayed in his house until it was sold and then we moved into our home. I had never felt safe until I walked into his home. Junior and his daughter welcomed me, loved me and I found a peace I had never known in my life. From Junior and Amy, I learned how to be loved. They also showed me God’s love. Before I was married to Junior I had been living with my mother. I moved in with her after my divorce. Mom was good to me in many ways. I had dinner most nights when I got home from work. I had someone to talk to. I also found comfort in cleaning out her home and preparing it for her retirement. In that process I was able to let go of a lot of hurt and anger. Still it was Junior’s home where I felt safest.

Junior got to deal with a lot of baggage with me. I often woke up with nightmares. I was dreaming that my ex-husband was trying to hurt me, to kill me. At first, I woke Junior up. He would put his hand on my head and start praying. Later I learned to pray on my own. I was learning that Jesus would bring me comfort, even in the middle of the night.

Each time I read Numbers 6:22-27, I feel like the cheek to cheek touch I had with Junior only it is with God. Until I started my faith journey with Jesus, I had never felt safe in my life. I never felt truly loved. Love to me was a bunch of hoops I had to jump through and then maybe I’d get a little love. I marvel that I matter to God. My tears matter to God. My joy matters to God. God truly wants to love me, a concept I find difficult to accept in my life.

I am twelve years out of my first marriage. I am whole in Jesus. Until I met Jesus, I always felt unwanted and different, unacceptable. With Jesus, I find that I matter, that my little hurts and my big struggles matter to Jesus. Now when someone doesn’t like me, well, I can deal with it through Jesus. I am not trying to be the constant people pleaser I used to be. If Jesus loves me, well that’s great!

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

January 17, 2009
Genesis 2:25 The man and the woman were both naked, but they were not embarrassed
Matthew27:35
They crucified him and then divided his clothes among them by throwing dice.

Greetings my Friend,

Junior and I go to the gym several days a week. We love water aerobics, so I need to change my clothes. If I don’t have my suit on under my clothes, I tend to find a dressing room with doors to dress for the pool I am a private person in this regard.
I often think about Jesus’ death. One of the things I ponder about Jesus’ dying is that He was hung on a hill so that He could be seen for miles. He had no clothes on. He hung naked on the cross. NAKED! Yikes.
After that initial reaction, I begin to ponder this. When Adam and Eve were thrown out of the Garden of Eden, God killed a lamb and then made clothes for them to wear. God was not happy; He cared for them as well. I marvel at this act of compassion and kindness. God could have thrown them out and said “Goodbye.” Instead God clothed them.
“For God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not die but have eternal life.” John 3:16. God/Jesus was willing to die a horrible death. He was willing to bear all our sin, to be naked about his love for us. I am amazed each time I think about this.
Being naked about my feelings is very hard. When I am honest and share, I open myself up for criticism, for ridicule or some other very vulnerable action. It is hard for me to be a totally open person. I want to be. I tend to tell too many secrets. Growing up in my home, we had all kinds of things that weren’t to be discussed outside our home.

I remember telling someone about the dirty dishes we had. Our family often left the dishes on the table over night. We even left the milk on the table and Dad put it away in the morning. I had many a sick stomach because of spoiled food not put away. My mother was angry for me telling this. We pretended that we kept a clean and orderly home. Dishes were not always done either. I remember doing a sink full of dishes and mold was growing on the dishes. When I told about this, I also got yelled at. I was confused about what was to be discussed and what was not.
When I met Junior one of the first things I told him was that I had a hard time keeping secrets. I had decided that I wanted to face life head on and not pretend that I lived a perfect life. If Junior had a secret, then he shouldn’t tell me.

I have learned that everyone does not need to know every detail. Still, I tend to tell too much. God loved us so much that He hung naked on a tree. I marvel at that. I am learning that I need not fear telling God anything. When I confess and tell God about my hurt or my frustration, He helps me to deal with my struggle. I don’t always have to tell all my secrets to everyone. I can tell God though, and that comforts me greatly. Sometimes I do have to confess to a person. When God points me to that, He gives me the strength and the words to say and that helps.

What secrets are you hanging on to? May I suggest that you give them to God? He can help you face what needs to be faced.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet

January 10, 2009

January 10, 2009

Greetings Friend,
Ephesians 4:30 And do not make God's Holy Spirit sad; for the Spirit is God's mark of ownership on you, a guarantee that the Day will come when God will set you free. Greetings My Friend, I remember the first time I read the above Scripture. I got stuck on "God's mark of ownership on you." I felt for the first time that I belonged. I have felt different for most of my life. I was an over active child. That irritated the people in my life a whole lot. I was different from my sister and brother. As I entered into high school, I noticed I was different as well. I think most teenagers feel different, I felt like I was always in two worlds - I was the "goody two shoes, " wanting to try to be bad. I was afraid to be bad. When I met my first husband in high school, well, I was fascinated by him. He broke the rules. He smoked. He drank. He even did drugs. It was exhilarating to watch him, to break rules I never had the nerve to break. He would cuss his mother out. He called her bad words to her face - an unheard of thing in my home. If I cussed one parent out, when they got done with me, the other one would start on me. Our life together was always a storm. For a while it was exciting. As the children came along though, I found that I wanted to be the rule abiding parent. I wanted to be involved in their lives, to set a good example for them. I was much more comfortable in that role - a role I had as a child. I was the oldest child. I was to set the example and I was to live right. The fun of acting out became a night mare to me. Our marriage was always a roller coaster. Anger ruled it. Eventually we were divorced. After the divorce I found myself seeking peace - an internal peace. I no longer thought I wanted to buck the system I started reading the Bible. I never thought I was able to read the Bible - I thought I wasn't bright enough. Anyway, I made my way through it and have read it through pretty much each year since then. As I read year after year, I found a quiet peace entering in my heart. One time, I read the above Scripture and for the first time, I felt like I was special, I belonged. As a woman, I love being Junior's wife. I love belonging to him. I feel complete and whole being Junior's wife. He does not try to be a cruel man. He tries to love me for who I am. He seeks my best. The more he seeks my best, well, the more I want his best. I have finally come to believe that God loves me - something I struggled with for years. You see, I was afraid to let God love me. The men in my life have been mean, cruel and God is male and well you get my point. With Junior though, he is always watching out for me. In that I have found that God is watching out for me and that His rules are really for my good. If you haven't met Jesus, I pray that you will. He is a wonderful comfort and a great friend. May God Bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. love Janet

January 3, 2008

Titus 2:3-5
In the same way instruct the older women to behave as women should who live a holy life. They must not be slanderers or slaves to wine. They must teach what is good, in order to train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, and to be good housewives who submit themselves to their husbands, so that no one will speak evil of the message that comes from God.

Proverbs 22:6
Teach a child how he should live, and he will remember it all his life.

Greetings My Friend,

Today would be my Grandmother’s 102nd birthday. It is hard for me to realize that I would know someone that could be that old. Grandma was a special lady in my life – often a life line when life was so out of control.

Grandma was a young widow raising my Uncle when Dad came down with polio. She scrounged up money from family and friends and gave it to Mom telling her to come back to Michigan as soon as Dad was able to travel. His parents had walked out on us when Mom would not transfer him to a Veterans Administration hospital. The doctor did not recommend the move because the move could have killed Dad.

Grandma had lots of spunk – even though life was tough. When she was seven years old, her mother died giving birth to her youngest sister. My great grandfather raised the older four children and adopted out the baby. Since her dad had to work, he tried to hire women to come in and take care of the kids. They were rebellious and often ran off the women. Great Grandpa soon gave up on having the women come in. The children were left to their own devices as Grandpa worked.

My Dad’s mother was 14 when she married my Dad’s father. He was a much older man. Grandma was the youngest of many children – 14, I think. Her father had died and her mother took in borders in order to have money come into their home. Grandma was taking up valuable space that could have been used to rent out a bed. Grandpa felt sorry for her and married her.
He was a cruel man. He beat his wife and children. One time he stabbed my Uncle with a pitch fork in a fit of anger. My father left home at 14 and lived in neighborhood garages. The owners would let him work for them and they fed Dad. At 17 Dad was a drop out from high school. He joined the service – his parents signed for him to do so.

Mom finished high school. Dad did not. Mom was her own woman early on in life. She was an outgoing child. She picked Dad up hitchhiking – he was stationed in Dearborn and Mom thought a man in a uniform was great.

Mom came along after her parents were married for seven years. They were thrilled to have a child and she was spoiled. Grandma couldn’t seem to get Mom to do her own chores. A neighborhood boy would be conned into doing her chores so she could go out and play. She left the boy doing what she should have been doing.

Neither parent seemed to know the roles of men and women. Dad’s anger was ever constant – he learned it at home. After polio he had more anger – he couldn’t support his family and had to rely on Mom to support us. That is hard for a man to do.

We were raised with so much anger. There wasn’t a lot of time to teach us life’s lessons. The main goal was to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads. Mom’s wages were very minimal. At that time women didn’t earn much. The job market was for men to earn the main income. When Dad was able to walk again, he took a job in a motel being the night clerk.

My family’s dysfunctions taught me many lessons. I am able to roll with the punches for the most part. I did wind up in a very dysfunctional first marriage. We fought all the time. That was hard on our children. Whether we realize it or not, we pass on what we know to our children. I wish I had understood Jesus, reading the Bible and having a strong faith when raising my children. I am wishing I had understood Jesus being a part of my life early on. I believed in Jesus, but I did not understand the power of prayer, of His healing presence and the power of reading the Bible to give me guidance.

We pass on what we know. Prayer, Bible reading, a strong faith would have helped me to leave my dysfunction behind, something I learned late in life. Anyway you look at it we pass on what we know – good or bad. My goal when I was raising my children was to stop the physical violence that had been part of my family for three generations or more. It was part of my Dad’s upbringing, my upbringing and my children’s. As far as I can tell, there is no physical violence in either of my children’s lives. We may not be best of friends – something that grieves me – the thought that violence for violence sake has finally left the family blood line that comforts me. Now it is my children’s job to go on from here.

I pray that you pray for your spouse, for your children, your parents, for anybody you know. Prayer has helped me so much. Learning to see God’s hand on me has been so comforting. I pray that you start a daily time to read your Bible – I was shocked when I read it through the first time. I now ask God to open my heart to hear His direction for my life. If you allow God to direct you, He will. You have to be open to listening with your heart and he will speak to you.

May God bless you and keep you, make his fact to shine upon you.

Love

Janet