January 24, 2009

Numbers 6:220-27
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.

Greeting my Friend,

After one our dates, I asked Junior if I could put my cheek on his cheek. I had the desire to feel close to him. It was a new sensation for me and I was startled at that desire. Later I found out that the cheek to cheek touch was a very romantic touch and it is not wise to enter into right away. I found that I felt very safe with Junior right from the start, although I wasn’t aware of that till later on in our relationship. I also marvel at the desire itself. Cheek to cheek was not me. Touching for most of my life was difficult at best and to allow myself to be that vulnerable was strange.

When we got married, I moved in with Junior. I moved some of my clothes in, my cat Alex and a dresser. We stayed in his house until it was sold and then we moved into our home. I had never felt safe until I walked into his home. Junior and his daughter welcomed me, loved me and I found a peace I had never known in my life. From Junior and Amy, I learned how to be loved. They also showed me God’s love. Before I was married to Junior I had been living with my mother. I moved in with her after my divorce. Mom was good to me in many ways. I had dinner most nights when I got home from work. I had someone to talk to. I also found comfort in cleaning out her home and preparing it for her retirement. In that process I was able to let go of a lot of hurt and anger. Still it was Junior’s home where I felt safest.

Junior got to deal with a lot of baggage with me. I often woke up with nightmares. I was dreaming that my ex-husband was trying to hurt me, to kill me. At first, I woke Junior up. He would put his hand on my head and start praying. Later I learned to pray on my own. I was learning that Jesus would bring me comfort, even in the middle of the night.

Each time I read Numbers 6:22-27, I feel like the cheek to cheek touch I had with Junior only it is with God. Until I started my faith journey with Jesus, I had never felt safe in my life. I never felt truly loved. Love to me was a bunch of hoops I had to jump through and then maybe I’d get a little love. I marvel that I matter to God. My tears matter to God. My joy matters to God. God truly wants to love me, a concept I find difficult to accept in my life.

I am twelve years out of my first marriage. I am whole in Jesus. Until I met Jesus, I always felt unwanted and different, unacceptable. With Jesus, I find that I matter, that my little hurts and my big struggles matter to Jesus. Now when someone doesn’t like me, well, I can deal with it through Jesus. I am not trying to be the constant people pleaser I used to be. If Jesus loves me, well that’s great!

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet