April 10, 2018

Greetings My Friend,

If my life before Jesus is any indication of what hell is like then I strive harder to give the gift of Jesus, desire not to be hell bound. My old life continues to show me the darkness of my heart, the deep sadness of pain, fear, anger, unforgiving, gossip. The more I remembered my hurt, the darker my life seemed to be, trying to get away from that life was difficult. We are taught to "tell" when we are abused, I told deaf ears. The first time I tried to leave my life of unhappiness, I was told to go back, the second time I was asked for money I did not have to support my children and myself. Both times I went back to the blackness of my life. After I went back the 2nd time I vowed to get an education, found a job in which I was able to grow into, move forward so the last time I left I was able to support myself and run as far away as I could from that life as I could. Through those dark years there moments of light, maybe things would change only to find myself back on that old cycle of anger, making up, evenness of life for a short while, then the cycle started over again. As I read the Bible today I ran across how God is light, life, Satan is darkness, death. In my reading I found myself learning that Satan is the god of this world, I am not always accepted because I choose God's light which then teaches me how to live in the light. First I learned Jesus came to cleanse me of my sins. As I walk through His life, death and resurrection I find His light filling in my heart, a strength to walk away from the darkness, the ability to be different than this world calls me to be. I liken this to the air purifiers we have, they filter the particles in the air that are not clean, I can see these on the filters as I vacuum them off the filters each week. The Holy Spirit is filtering my thoughts, convicting them then I find myself seeing the sin the hurtfulness in my life. I ask God to forgive my sins, I am cleansed because I love Jesus, all those years of looking at the horror of the cross teaches me the blood Jesus shed, which was a whole lot of blood by the time He was nailed to the cross, more shed up there on the cross and yes I am cleansed. The Holy Spirit's role in my life becomes clear, He points out those things that are harming my walk with Jesus, the things Father God hates, then when I ask to be forgiven, I then am taught how to walk away. I go back to my final leaving, on the way home from the 2nd leaving I heard a radio program, one of those talk to the doctor shows. The woman broad castor told the abused woman on the line, if she could endure it, get an education before she left so that she could support herself. That became my goal, the Holy Spirit's guidance, even though I was not walking fully with Jesus. Sometimes we need to take time to undo the sins of our past with the help of the Holy Spirit's guidance. It took another 20 years to find healing because I had to clean up 40 years of anger, hatred, unforgiving etc. I was made to look at each dirty thing, learned the harm it was doing then I learned the freedom of letting go, one tiny step at a time. I did not shut the door praying it would not be opened, I kept the door open looking at each thing as directed by the Holy Spirit. Today, I am free of the past sins in my life for the most part. The Holy Spirit will continue to filter me until the day I die and with each filtering I am set freer than I was with the last filter cleanse. It is difficult to be different, to be cleansed but so worth it. I am free, free at last because Jesus lived, died and rose from the dead for a sinner like me. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you. Love Janet.