June 2, 2016

Greetings My Friend One of the things I find surprisingly comforting when I am out in the wheelchair is people "see" me. When I was a young mother I befriended a lady who was in a wheelchair for most of her life. She told me that when she was out with her husband people would talk about her as if she was not there. Nearly 40 years later I find when I am in the wheelchair people talk to me and ask questions. That is refreshing. I am amazed at the helpful hands that are willing to assist me. I struggle regulating the speed of the scooters while I am shopping and I miss my mark hitting a display often. People who are near reach over and move the display or pick up the spilled items. I am thankful for tender kindness as I figure out how to do things. It is hard enough learning to handle my body, my equipment and then trying to right the wrong I created so the hand out is appreciated. I see that some people with gait problems are sometimes mistaken for being drunk, I have experienced this too. That hurts even when I am trying to explain that I am not drunk. For me I am attempting to learn grace in another way. My goal is to explain and then walk away the best I can. To be honest I am grateful to semi bypass this situation rather quickly because I am in the wheelchair out in public. I still have adopted the mindset if my explanation does not help I know I am not drunk and God knows. For some reason this quiets me. I also see on some faces I meet that they do not believe I am so bad that I need a wheelchair. Again I attempt grace for myself, people can believe what they want I know this is working for me and God knows. The part of learning that God knows teaches me I am placing my trust in God's acceptance and letting go of "man's" acceptance. I am better at this endeavor and I am still growing in it which means sometimes I let "man's" acceptance matter too much. Much like most of my faith journey thus far I continue to learn to rely on God to help me make it through my life. In a round about way I see that His allowing this disability into my life has allowed me to keep refining my faith and growing me stronger. I wish I did not have to deal with all of the changes and at the same time I find peace as I learn to accept this is what my life is. I am amazed when I have peace and acceptance with a body that is breaking down before I was ready for it to. I felt that I tried to take care of my body, live right then I should stay able bodied longer. My refocus on this now is I am grateful for taking care of my body because it helps me to move through the changes and may have even been longer in arriving. I can accept this and move on or I can bemoan it and wallow in it. I admit that the process has been a long one especially when I did not know why I was falling apart. I lost a few friends who thought I was being dramatic, turned to Junior too much and such. God, Junior and my doctor have walked with me grew with me and encouraged me. I am once more fairly independent as I am able. It is cute when I am transferring from the truck to the wheelchair how Junior watches out for me and I am thankful for the helping hands the reach out when I misjudge the scooter. Overall I am finding more positive people these days. This process has taught me who my true friends are. That too is a blessing and a wake up call that some friends are in my life for a short time and other friends are here to stay. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet