September 17 2015

September 15 2015 Greetings My Friend Learning to mourn is hard. Sometimes I try to skip past the mourning cycle only to find out the hurt doesn't go away. When I finally grieve that is the point I start to heal. When I divorced after 24 years I found myself grieving. It was at this point I began to understand that grief is not for the death of a person or beloved pet.I mourned the dreams I had when I first married. I mourned the familiar routines the loss of being a part of holidays with our family and extended family. I moved out of the family home so I mourned seeing neighbors. Recently I have found myself mourning the loss of my youth and health. For me I was surprised that I could no longer sweep through the house getting the house in order and then go volunteer or even have a part time job. After having cancer I started to struggle with Chronic Fatigue only I did not have a name for my extreme lack of energy and tiredness. The fatigue kept getting worse and when I retired I kept going down hill before I bottomed out. I found a doctor who help me work through the many problems I was struggling with. We tackled the insomnia and chronic fatigue and then moved onto my digestive issues and after discovering my Chiari Malformation she has sent me to specialists and I learn to understand, to work with my limitations. Lastly we worked on asthma. Today I struggle but not like I did. Through this process I found myself feeling scared, sorry for myself and finally a sense of acceptance which on hindsight looks like grieving was the beginning to work back to a semblance of health, a new way of living my life. I can honestly say that I am content today. I am learning the triggers for my asthma and I am accepting that will have periods of time where I need to lay low and move about slower than usual. I am learning to live with progressive disability with CM. I also have got my digestive upsets under control to an extent. At first all the setbacks in my health bothered me. I would start to gain headway only to struggle again. Today I understand that these setbacks are part of the journey and I am learning to lean into the down time realizing better days will come again. I also understand to slow my day down more so and move throughout the day as I can. I now take time most afternoons to nap or to be quiet and work again a bit in the evenings. Giving up my socializing has been hard but today I am able to be content at home for days at a time. I find that social media is helping socialize these days and I am grateful for the friendships I am making. As a former drama queen today I don’t fret and worry all day every day. I am able to grow mentally and spiritually. I no longer view exercise a routine but a way of life. I bend and stretch, I use my chair even to do some exercises. With this I am once more at a good weight and I feel better. God has been my anchor, my director in all of this and I am so grateful to have a good life again. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet