August 4 2015

August 4 2015 Greetings My Friend I understand the strangeness of PTSD more so. I knew when I was afraid years after the divorce that it was my fear that took over. Recently I see other strange subtle things that seem to play into it. Only in the last year have I felt comfortable enough to clip my nails in front of Junior. I could not let go of the absolute anger my ex had whenever he heard me clipping my nails. I knew it wasn’t rational but I could not let go and do it. Eighteen years later I have finally pushed past that silly struggle. I realize that my cognitive abilities had slipped but it occurs to me I have struggled on another level as well. Junior has worked hard at attempting to find a contractor for some of the work he needs help with. I have insisted he do it and the light bulb went off that I was afraid I would do this wrong too. I listened to Junior attempt another call yesterday and I realized I could do this. I spent a few hours calling and such and hopefully this week we will have a guy stop by and talk with us. Next I saw I could be a huge help to Junior by doing some research calls on propane services for us. This realization hit me as we were at the bank transferring accounts. The loan officer was helping Junior with a set up and a coworker with something else. She dialed SS and asked me to wait on hold. I did so and when someone came on the line I was able to answer the questions without much effort. I realized I used to do this sort of thing in my job and frankly it felt good. When Junior called a contractor he had the speakerphone on and it is at that point I understood that I had the ability to do this. Sometimes Junior gets a little over upset about a small thing and this too shows me that PTSD is not always rational. I understand on a different level now. As I reflected on these things I saw that getting out of my dysfunction was a long time in coming. It was so slow it may not have been seen by many at all. For me I knew I was unhappy but what did “happy” look like? I began going in and out of counseling. I would feel better for a minute only to be depressed a short while later. As my divorce happened I once more was in counseling and this time I made it a priority to stick it out. That helped me especially since I was seeing a Christian counselor who kept bringing me back to seeking God. I stayed with him for a few years and then I was good for many more years. Junior and I joined a support group for remarrieds and that also helped me. After retirement I found I needed help again and counseling wasn’t doing enough. Praying was helping but I knew I needed more help. I asked my doctor about some medication and along with my faith journey I have been going great guns. I learned that once we burn up those little synapses they stay burned out. Medication works as long as it is your system but once off the medication you will be depressed again so I stay on it. With childhood abuse, an abusive marriage I believe I have burned those little things out thus I need extra help at this point and I am okay with that. I can hear God more so now and that is my comfort. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet