August 11 2015

August 11 2015 Greetings My Friend For me journaling helps me understand life. I have been journaling as I do my Bible study and sometimes I find that what is on my heart does not line up with what I was reading. Recently I hear God say “ I will be your God and you will be My people” which is a passage in the Bible. This passage speaks to both my mind and to my heart and it comes to me as I am going about my day. I sense a deep longing in God’s heart is to have people who long to be with Him, to do those things that are good for them. I am reading a part in the OT where God has exacted judgement, a huge one on His people and I hear His longing for His children. For some reason today I keep hearing about my “heart”. I hear God wanting my heart, not only my acts of worship or service. I hear He wants me to do these things with my heart at the center of the project. Lately I very little energy. I have been waking up at night with major Chiari pain too. I desire to have energy to do my new normal and it is all I can do to move about slightly. I find myself at night pleading with God in regards to the pain I am having. My desire is to resort to using medications as a last resort. Many times I can calm the pain with ice, essential oils or even heat. Coffee works a whole lot too. So I talk to God and attempt to hear His guidance as I go through various things to make the pain go away. Again I come back to my heart. When I feel good I have a strong desire to reach out to other people in some form. I have a desire to be what Junior needs me to be as a wife. God often shows me the people He wants me to reach out to or a little something I need to do for Junior and over all I am content. Then I hit these I can barely think or move moments and frankly my heart is mainly attempting to function without being a burden. I realize that my taking my struggle to God keeps me focused on Him and His will. I also find myself in a rut of coping and fighting my way back to a level playing field. My mind is on my struggle and somewhere I sense that I am on auto pilot more than on heart pilot. I do sense God’s strength and comfort as I struggle too. The last entry I write in my Bible journal is “How can I serve others today?” To be honest some days it is all I can do to take care of myself much less reach out to help others. Sometimes I think my act of service is to not be cranky. Other times I strive to get back to my normal energy so I can reach out to others. And there are times I want to give up, sit in a chair and check out. I am thankful when God places a desire within me to work once more at getting better. As I start to feel better I am glad God pushed me to keep working. I am in awe of God’s awesomeness. I think I am learning to open my heart even in deep pain when I feel numb. I think there are so many ways to give God my heart and I learned to keep on working even when I would rather not. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet