July 30 2015

July 30 2015 Greetings My Friend Making a change is about the hardest undertaking there is. Understanding that what you know is dysfunctional and moving to functional ways is hard too. I think I was willing to stay in the “known” than venturing into the “unknown”. I know for years I hated what my life was and at the same time I did not know how to reach out and begin that long winding walk into something new and different. Many years latter I saw those tiny first steps that led to the next and the next step until one day I found myself leaving my old life behind and entering into a brand new life. It was exhilarating and frightening at the same time. At this point I had no idea of how to not repeat what I had already lived for over 40 years and it was then it occurred to me to talk to God about this new struggle I was facing. People did not understand why I stayed why I tolerated what I tolerated and why I was the way I was. Neither did I frankly but God made me take a long hard look at what made me the way I was not for me to stay stuck in pain but to open new doors. The more I understood why I was the way I was I found myself not enjoying the “old me.” I wanted to have a friendship with a man that was more back and forth then the one I knew. I was in counseling and my counselor taught me to understand how men think, how they don’t understand innuendos and needed straight forward comments. Next I learned to negotiate the things I found important such as not in debt, he worked and had no need to hit a woman. As this became ingrained into my being I was attracting a healthy way to be in a relationship. Some of this started with friends, new friends and even learning how to deal with my own mother. I find that all the years I kept going in and out of counseling was the stepping stones for the new foundations I was lying. I learned to say “don’t, that hurts and I don’t feel good.” As with all first steps I find I did some great forward movement only to fall down, start over again and in time these new changes were part of the woman I am today. Part of my faith journey was starting to read my Bible. Until this point I did not think I was educated enough to absorb God’s Word. I was amazed the first year I read all the way through the Bible. In those first years I learned that one read through is not enough but day in and day out year in and year out was the way I was going to keep growing. I learned no one will ever be perfect here on earth but only when we get to heaven will we know that perfection. My old examples of older generations showed me how lonely it was to be old. God teaches me that does not have to be the case. He shows me that “yes” my body is changing but that doesn’t mean my work is over with yet He moves me into new and different directions and when I allow myself to be redirected I find a fulfillment in life. Right now I am recovering from congestion, fatigue and more imbalance issues. For a minute I want to stop and bemoan these events when I hear God whisper “go for it.” As I embrace all these new things I find a satisfaction in life. God is good. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you Love Janet