April 18 2015

April 15 2015 Greetings My Friend It is April and at some point I tend to reflect back on Mom and Dad and their passing and our history. Today Dad has been gone 23 years, last week Mom has been gone 16 years. Grandma, my mother-in-law, my nephew and even my brother are gone. Mostly I find myself relieved in their passing. Dad, I have a sense of closure and understanding, Mom I am coming to terms with the “junk” and I have an acceptance. In my own way I guess I have grieved and did not realize it because my main sense was of relief. With their passing though I am sad at not resolving those things that were never dealt with. With Dad I had begun to understand and accept but with Mom there was no way to ask the questions and to find the peace I longed for. In the last few years though I have learned and grown and let go. I have sensed that a lot of my personality and strength came from the abuse that went on in our home. I learned how to be a hard worker because polio seemed to make my parents work harder. I learned role differences before they became the norm with Dad being home more and Mom working more. I was able to grasp the “working mother” role a bit easier due to Mom working and Dad having a job as well. Being the oldest and the one to help Dad, to set an example to my siblings taught me to be responsible at a tender age. While Mom visited Dad in ICU I was to watch for a bit my younger siblings at age 4. It seemed an enormous job back then. Learning how to accept the pain of dysfunction has been a lifetime struggle and today I feel that door is closed with an acceptance and an appreciation of all we as a family dealt with. I also see generational growth as I look at my own family. I see that the line of physical abuse possibly verbal abuse is leaving our family line. I understand more fully the intense struggle sin in one generation brings to the next generations. I find a grateful heart in learning to turn such pain over to God and how He has taught me to walk away from things and to have peace too. Dad’s cruelness at making me talk to the bill collector’s taught me to pay my bills, to work hard and to save money. Yes it hurt and it was hard to let go of but in the end I see where this made me the hard worker I am today. Dad’s handicap has taught me to keep fighting and it is okay to relearn how to do things. He taught me that giving up is not an option. The reason I have been able to work through chronic fatigue, balance issues and all the other things is because Dad kept on keeping on. I remember Dad teaching himself to walk again. I see the times he tried, fell and scooted himself back to his wheelchair only to try once more. Being a child in their home was hard but today I see that this struggle has made me into who I am today. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet