January 17 2015

January 17 2015 Greetings My Friend I feel the warmth of the heated throw on my back and the comfort of my neck pillow on my neck. A mid morning nap is tugging at my thoughts and I am contemplating that I may give in to it. For some reason I am back to sleeping 5 -6 hours and then I am wide awake. Lately I finish out my nights sleep with these mid morning naps. I keep thinking my sleep pattern will settle to more of a routine than a week or two one pattern and then another. Today I go with it since I know that I will gain momentum to enter into the day once I feel well rested. I over did it yesterday and I admit I scared myself a bit. I made two pots of soup then decided to move the chairs and clean behind them. The bending over to pick things up and the pulling out the chairs caused me to have a blackout and I felt the room spin. I managed to stay on my feet and I gained my stamina fairly quickly so I sat down and rested. Even though I have gained the ability to push myself to work for longer periods I find that I need to stop more often anyway. Junior and I were talking to a lady from church the other day. Her family is in crisis and she was telling us about some of the stuff going on in her life. A few times I said that “I would…..” I relate because I once was caught up in this muck and mire. I often will state how hard it was to get away from being a victim and claiming my own life. I also state that God is how I was able to fully walk away since I know I would still be there left to my own devices. I heard Junior mention to her that he understands that she doesn’t want to change but needed to vent. I heard it and did not absorb in my mind that people prefer to stay in the pain they are in. It took me a lifetime to finally walk away but I also know I kept learning lessons along the way to be able to fully leave. I am surprised to learn this so as we chat I believe that the person wants to let go. I keep telling my story in the hopes that they “hear” something to encourage their journey. I do this because I wanted someone to step beside me and help me to walk away and felt there was no one who would guide me. So the thought that someone does not want to walk away from the pain is hard for me to absorb. I now also understand that abuse victims tend to leave their spouse a good 7 times before it will take. This was true for me also. We believe all the tears and comments the abuser comes up with that they will change, won’t do it again. We go back thinking that this time they will truly stop only to find that nothing has changed. For me one day my heart turned hard and I no longer believed him. I asked for a divorce, he stalked me until I relented and then 6 months later he asked for the divorce. When he asked for the divorce I knew to run and not look back. I wasn’t stalked etc. so I was able to break free and begin rebuilding my life. I know how hard all of this is and for some reason I believe people will walk away. At this point I am attempting to see the help I give like my journey at sharing the Gospel. I learned that we need to be in relationship, show the love and patience God has shown us. In this I believe I am planting a seed of faith that may grow as another person comes into their life to water the seed and growth comes from the warmth of love and nurturing of the water. In this I can let go of the need to expect change immediately, it isn’t going to happen. I keep learning and growing in God’s love. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet