December 9 2014

December 9 2014 Greetings My Friend Anger, that burning red anger is hard to let go of. Anger with people who have hurt me beyond reason is hard to forgive. I had good reasons to be angry to not want to hurt like this anymore. The hardest lesson has been learning to pray for the anger I have had and to forgive myself along with those I feel have hurt me deeply. One of the things I have learned in my faith journey that it is hard to stay mad at someone you are praying for and I find this to be so true. I try hard to not complain when I am struggling with a person. I have found admitting that I do struggle with loving people and what loving them looks like so I have learned to to admit my disdain for a person to God and then ask Him to help me to love these people. For some reason I find myself walking away from anger and a need to hold onto an unforgiving attitude. Sometimes I can even see the other person’s pain. God is also teaching me that forgiving doesn’t mean I say the word and that is the end of the matter. He teaches me that forgiving comes in deep layers and can be a huge process to heal from the inside to the outside. In this I am forgiving of my attitude. I learn that forgiving does not mean I allow the person to keep on hurting me. These days if someone wants to engage in harsh words I am able to walk away. I don’t have to buy into a person’s anger. I have even hung up on people who refuse to speak to me in a respectful way. I am learning I don’t have to use unrespectful words when I am talking to others about someone I am struggling with. I can say something to the effect that I disagree and leave it at that. I have not gotten to this point of having a forgiving nature on my own. My prayers have been the healing that I needed the most. When I do a review of what hell is from reading the Bible I find that I don’t want even my worst enemy to end up in hell. If I can learn to forgive, to let go and let God and possibly open a door to a faith journey for my enemy I am grateful all the way to the heart level. I have someone who abused me fairly severely. I know when I do see this person I find it hard to not enter back into all the nasty words with them. These days I keep my distance by not showing up anywhere near this person. In my heart though I have no animosity anymore, I do know I have a weakness and I don’t want to go back to those days anymore. The other thing I am learning in this very long hard process is I knew what I knew and it has been a journey learning how to retrain myself. Counseling started me on the process but I believe prayer has been the piece that has allowed me to let it go all the way. Sometimes I even hear God tell me to stay away. I believe He knows my weak area so He warns me. I do grieve that I did not know all of these techniques years ago. In the end though I am proud that I have learned no matter how late in life so I forgive myself for those years that I did not know any difference. As the Christmas season draws closer many people find the stress to be out of control hard. I believe that tiny baby we are celebrating grew up and taught us of the hope we have in a Savior. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet