November 20 2014

November 20 2014 Greetings My Friend, During the last year or so I have that familiar feeling I found from time to time as a child. The memory is something stored way back in the past. Our bedroom is the memory of a bedroom from long ago, not mine but my Grandmothers. I also fast forward to my mother in law’s bedroom. These rooms were clean, neat, the bed made. I never knew such neatness in my own childhood home. I strived to recreate that neatness in my children’s home, I wasn’t able to bring the peace into that home. It was fairly clean, I had smells of baking but the peace wasn’t there. Today as I walk by the bedroom I understand that comfort I felt way back then and I know it deeply now. Our home is clean again now that I have overcome. I don’t have the rushed feelings of keeping things in order that I did when I worked, went to school and raised a family. My heart is deeply satisfied being a homemaker today. I love making life comfortable for Junior, even our fur children. I know the fur children could live in chaos and not mind but I love that they have a picked up home, food to eat and lots of love. I believe this is the deep seated need within me to nurture. I have traveled a long way to get to this point in my life. I no longer think that by being clean I will automatically have love and devotion. I felt as my children were growing up that they’d relish the smells of their childhood and clean sheets on their bed every week. Those things were lacking in my growing up years so I tried hard to make sure they had that. I learn again that life isn’t learning the things I do but the deep giving from my heart that is felt. My children had more than I had financially. I was afraid to leave abuse partly because I feared poverty more so. I lived in both and poverty scared me more so I stayed and fought and cried and life was miserable. I did not know what peace looked like or felt like. I knew that I did not feel happy at all. For some reason I thought I was too stupid to figure out such a simple thing, how to find peace. My peace truly came when I gave up and quit trying to figure life out on my own. I gave my broken pieces to God and one step at a time God taught me what love looked like, healthy love. He taught me that quiet times are okay that it doesn’t mean a prelude to another bout of hurt and anger. These days I can sit quietly next to Junior and I don’t panic. I’ve truly learned that men don’t tend to have a constant dialogue going in their brains. They like quiet. When I get to be rather talkitive I wear Junior out. I have learned to use up my words throughout the day in other ways. I have conversations with Facebook friends, I have phone conversations and there have been times I just talk and talk to God. He doesn’t mind that I haven’t used up all my need to use words so I give Him my excess I can’t hold. I sense He laughs with me, pats me on the back and sends me into the next moments. God doesn’t mind teaching me a lesson more than once. He doesn’t call me stupid or berates me. He mainly repeats Himself and I begin to “hear” and change or learn. Next God put Junior in my life and he teaches me much like God does. I love that Junior also looks to me to teach him some things. He doesn’t only tell me that I am smart or pretty he respects me in a way that I know he believes what he says. In some ways I am a late bloomer and that is okay, I’ve learned that I have value and worth and those that did not see it in me have missed out. I go forth into life with confidence, not mine but confidence that God knows more than anyone else my worth. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you. Love Janet