September 9 2014

September 9 2014 Greetings My Friend, I am enamored with those tiny hummingbirds like crazy. I can’t get over their tiny size, their busy ways as they flutter around the feeder. As I gaze out the window I can sense a “releasing” of junk within me. I may be feeling good and content but I always have a “settling” feeling also. As I stare out the window at the hummingbirds I begin to let my eyes wander outward towards the trees and the woods. Sometimes I move in a bit and notice green grass and some flowers. A day to day wandering with my eyes whether in my comfy chair or out on the porch keeps me settled like I have never known before. Sometimes I can even conjure up the smell of a fire burning wood in a fire pit even if there isn’t a real fire going. This too brings peace to my soul. As I retired and moved to a new state I found myself missing the “girlfriend” time I had entered into when I worked. I am a social person by nature and the quietness of country life was new to me. I knew I loved it but I also missed time to socialize. I missed long phone calls like crazy too. People out here tend to be social sort of. They are social at church but not so much in other ways. They came to my bedside as I had my appendix removed in a way I had never been visited before. I loved it. But with country life there is a lot to keep the things at home going along with life in general so the “getting together” is not the same as when we lived in the bigger city. All my health problems kept slowing me down until one day I found being quiet was really nice and socializing wasn’t the need like it used to be. My cousin D entered into my ministry by setting up a special Facebook page so I could share more of my faith journey and in the process I am gaining a group of friends to share my day with. I enjoy dropping by for a chat online throughout the day with more people and it fills me like the old days of phone calls and times spent socializing. Add to this my Chiari Support group friends to share the craziness of my birth defect with and life continues to be precious to me. This group tends to let me be me, let me vent when I am discouraged and I am able to minister to them as well. It is an awesome fit. I again ponder on a statement I read “I will pray for a complete healing”. My heart usually begins a quiet discussion w/i my mind. I am learning that many times there won’t be a complete healing in the sense that a disease will be wiped completely out of my system. I look back to Dad’s healing with polio. He did not die and when the doctors thought that he would never walk again he did. His walk was like that of a drunk. When he crossed his legs he had to lift one up with his hands and place the leg on top of the other leg. The muscles that died did not come back to life but Dad survived and walked. As I look at the healing in my life I see that the emotional scars from abuse aren’t completely gone. Sometimes they come roaring back in a flash. I also have to say that I am healed. This journey to wholeness has been a long and winding road. Today I am grateful for each step of this journey. On the road I wound up irritating people with my constant fear that would not leave me. When I could not enter into depression one more time and suicide was not the way I wanted out I asked God to help me. I felt that anti anxiety medication was in order and kept asking God as I began walking toward the use of medication. With each step God said “Go on.” I did and today I am fairly free of the fear and when it does try to consume me I now can ask God to take it away and He does. Without the medication I could not let go of the fear. God has healed me but it is not so complete that it doesn’t come back from time to time. These days though the “asking for help” and the quickness it leaves is amazing and if God had healed me so completely I would never have learned to rely on Him so fully. Today my focus is on managing several health issues, big ones. I enter into this journey assured of God’s love, presence and guidance. With each step of healing that I have gone through I also know that I will continue to grow and heal with God’s love. I also know what a failed marriage feels like and I feel God’s hand on me even in this marriage. I have learned to keep asking God to “teach me to be the wife” Junior needs and He does. I now know to not over fuss with Junior’s handicaps. I know to not fuss b/c he is moving slowly in the renovation process and I am good with more years of the process being a part of our lives. Only with God’s help in teaching me I have been able to let go. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet