January 7 2014

January 7 2013
Greetings My Friend,
My girls are near me as I sit in my recliner and write. This is one of those sweet
moments for me. Junior went to church without me since it was 11:00 before my eyes
saw the light of day.....2 am was the time I finally fell asleep. It is what it is.
I soak in the quietness and reval in it. I long for a new computer that won't die within
a couple of weeks of getting it. We are researching a better brand and hopefully soon it
will come to pass. I miss my editing buttons.
We had another blast of warm weather and of course I relished it. It is now getting colder
again and it is what it is. These months will pass and spring and summer even fall will be
here and I will soak up the warmth. For now I focus on the warm fuzzies I get with a fire
in the fireplace, a warm snuggle blanket and warm fur children.
My mind focuses on "remembering" again. I strive to remember the good things in life to ponder
them and to enjoy those pleasant things. I strive to remember the times God has drawn near and
walked with me through a struggle.
As God walks with me through struggles I find myself remembering His guidance, His love and His
paitience. When life is boring, hard and such the remember game is sure to soon bring those happy
moments. I remember accomplishing things I never knew I could accomplish. I remember a hug or a
kind word. The more I am able to remember happy moments I find that the very painful moments of my
life tend to stay in the past.
This remembering the good times, the times God stood beside me has been a long hard journey but these
days I can remember the good stuff and I am able to keep the bad stuff in the past. If I do walk into
a bad moment I do not stay there very long any more. I like that.
I can even look at Junior and remember more good stuff than annoying stuff about him. At first I started
leaving him a note each day as I left for work. He came home a few hours before I did so this was my
hug to him when he came home.
Each day I tried to tell Junior all the wonderful stuff he did. I marveled at his patience with me and his
artistic abilities. I marveled at his intellengence. If he was annoying me I tried hard not to notice those
moments and slowly I found myself not focusing on his annoying habits.
It isn't like I don't know they exist it is I'd rather see the good in him. When he steps over the line once
too often I will point out the fact. Junior is a good man and will "hear" what I have to say and then strive
to stop. I respect that in him. The more he is able to "hear" my struggle I find that I want to meet him
half way and I strive to walk away from my annoying to him traits.
God gives me confidence in "who" I am. Between God and Junior I find that I am truly a good person. Gone are the
days where I feel lower than low and just taking up space in life. I matter. My feelings matter and as I find
that I matter I find myself walking away from a need to be seen and heard. I am seen and heard and in that I
find value and worth.
These days I tend to go to God first. He has always been at my side encouraging me and stroking me when I need
it the most. These days my goal is to please God first and in that I find confidence, joy and peace. We were
watching a film with Jody Foster in it the other night. Junior told me he thought that I looked an awful lot
like Jodie Foster. He loves my long nose, my long neck. I have always felt ugly with them but Junior finds
those traits very attractive.
He does that often for me, makes me feel beautiful. I even joke with people that Junior married me because I look
good on his arm and that is what he wanted. I feel that pretty. Junior also likes my brain. He is not intimated
when I have a thought or two. He often will go with my thought and maybe even expand on it from time to time. I
love it.
These days I feel beautiful and smart and accepted for the person I am....in the Lord. As people respond to my
writings I tend to not hear my families message that I am a dork. I don't believe them anymore either. I find
a special place in the world and life could not be sweeter.
That is something I noticed way back when and often times I find myself reflecting back on it. I remember in high
school that there were some real dorky kids. They weren't liked much. As I watched them though they seemed content
in their personhood. They had friends and hung out with people. I was on the outside looking in often but I was not
on the fringe either. I was somewhere in the middle. Little Sister has pointed out what a dork I was from time to
time. I remember liking the kids I hung out with and feeling content. I look at little Sister and see she hung out
with the kids who smoked, did drugs in the bathroom and the like. I felt that those kids were not the ones I wanted
to be in life. They were ok to talk too and such but they were not my good friends. So Little Sister thought I was
strange because I hung out more with the "middle class" type kids. I would go back to that crowd in a heart beat
so if I was strange....I'd rather be strange than hanging out with the smokers and druggers. Is one right and the
other wrong....well if that is what they wanted to be that is their choice to an extent. It is not who I wanted to
be and for the first time I find that I am ok with the crowd I hung with. I even made the same choices as I graduated,
married and had a family.
Little Sister continued on with her crowd of people. One day she seemed to change and started doing life in a different mode.
She and I still live in different realms. It is what it is. I keep finding that we each find our own way. For me my
way is coming from God. Little Sister has met the Lord and she relates to those that relate to her life style and the
same goes for me. Yup I am content where I am these days even if it is different than some.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.
Love
Janet