January 28 2014

January 28 2014

Greetings My Friend,
I've gone through my writing time, Bible time, prayer time and a bit of housework. It is time to
catch Dr. Phil on TV and begin my evening TV time. Dr. Phil is not on today due a game instead.
So I think about writing another blog....maybe another bit of housework etc. I will catch the news
at 5:00 and start my evening at that point.
I had a talk with P and I felt like I was the mother with all the advice. I wasn't liking "me" but I
also knew she needed to "hear" what I was telling her. It is a struggle I've been dealing with so I  must say
I feel her struggle in a deep way.
We both have been active women in our younger days. P is way more involved than I am at present. The church
knew P because as she visited back home this was the family church. They knew her abilities and have asked
her to fill in, be the leader and such. I love when I am asked to do things so I feel the tug on her.
Her Dad is 86 and has lost the use of his legs. As he becomes more handicapped P needs to fill in for Dad at
home etc. Her husband is in the first stages of Parkinsons and is needing her support. To top it off she has
fibromaylgia and a host of other problems. She had knee surgery a few weeks ago as well so she needs to take
time to heal.
She and I both have burned the candle at both ends and also at times in the middle. Now that we are in our
60's we find we flat out "can't" anymore. We want to and we long to but our bodies continue to remind us that
we "can't". It hurts to have to say "no" to a need within the church. I long for the days of working with the
youth, re-marriage classes I helped with and the like. She is in the choir, the praise choir, a teacher, the
women's mission leader and more that I can't recall. She needs to slow down. It is taking a toll on her health.
Part of me also sees that as we step back we open the door to a younger generation to come alongside us and
learn the lessons we have learned so that they and their children will have an example to follow. God's message
from Christ is a good 2,000 years old. From Adam and Eve it appears to be another 5,000 years old approxiamtely.
I marvel that generation after generation has had the message given to them. It has happened because God taught
way back in the Old Testament to teach our children as we walk along the road, as we live at home and the like.
That fact alone amazes me that God's message has been passed down from generation to generation. It has never
gone the way of say the Roman Empire. It was once a mighty nation and then it was gone after a few hundred years
or so.
I remember watching my mother-in-law care for her Dad in his older years. Her husband had retired and the two of
them went to his house regularly. They cleaned, made him food, took him to the doctor's and such. I watched my
mother-in-law care for her husband as he died as well. She was near, comforting and doing for him. I watched her
and when Dad had cancer I began my journey to help in his care. Same for Mom. Even Grandma was important to me
to help where I could.
I don't know why but with both Mom and Dad I was at their side holding them when they took their last breath. I was
sad but also gratefull to be there as well. Our lives were not pleasant at times. Dad was abusive and Mom often
looked in the other direction as Dad beat the daylights out of us for the smallest infraction. I have had a lot
of anger but in the end I was glad I was near them and we worked out many of our differences. It took a lot of
work at times but I did it.
God has had to help me even after their death to deal with anger issues steming from those childhood years. God
has helped me to be at peace. I had to learn how to parent my children because my up bringing did not train me
for that job. I read everything I could, I took a few college classes on child behavior and I went through years
of counseling. At times I was not a great parent and at other times I was spot on. In the end I know I tried and
that is all I could do.
With my children's generation of children it appears that abuse has left the family line. I feel like I played a part
in removing that horrid stigma from our family line. My children had much misery and I can't take that away. At
present I keep talking to God and allowing God to direct the changes I need to make. I am always sad but a faith
journey is just that a journey and I have grown. It is all I can do.
Gone are days of beating myself up over the fact that such ugliness reigned in our home. I mourn even now but I mourn
for a bit and then I blink and begin a new once more. I have introduced Jesus to my children. First I took them to
church and then as I began this journey I tried to be the Bible they may not have read. I try to live my faith
day in and day out.
Part of that has also been moments where I fell down. God picked me up showed me how to get on track again and I
have done it. I am still not perfect but I accept "me" and the crud of my life and I now live in the hope of
Jesus. If other's can't accept me then or now I need to let it pass. God gives me the reason to get up and go.
I sense a deep hurt is inside of my daughter. She pulls away from me, from her brother, her Dad and now she is
pulling away from her daughter. I am sad beyond words. I can't take the hurt that she has in her away. I do pray
daily for her, her daughter. She is never far from my thoughts but I also know that I must move on. Crying all
the time, waiting for her to return seems to do no good. So I long for the day where we will ultimately forgive
each other and become friends. It is all I can do at this point.
As I wait for her to return I continue to open my heart to God, I continue to place her in God's hands and then I
live day to day for the Lord. It is all I can do and in that my life has direction and meaning and a purpose.
The older generation must teach the younger generation. I am doing what I know best for those I am in relationship
with. I give comfort to other parents that have this tremdous loss. I give a child comfort at times and I find
ministry in writing, in giving of my means. It is not the "at church" business I once knew. Hopefully the
younger people are watching and God's message goes on for another generation.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.
Love
Janet