December 19 2013

December 19 2013
Greetings My Friend,

I have made a concious decison in life not to notice things. I truly don't
try to notice skin color. I want more than anything to see the "heart" of
a person and not base decisions on the color of the skin. Martin Luther King Jr
taught me this one. He taught that a man should not be judged by the color
of his skin but should be judged by his character.  I generally can't
tell if someone is homosexual. I don't want to know. I want to meet these
people at the heart level. Out here people add to the truth. It is what they
do and they don't think it is wrong. I choose to not decide until I need to.
Junior does help me I must say because at times I am too trusting. It isn't
that I am stupid but I am working hard at meeting people at the heart level. I
attempt Agapae love with everyone and sometimes it means turning a blind eye
to the things I see that aren't perfect.
I am thankful that God over looks my flaws. Because God will look past my flaws
and into my heart and in that I am able to grow. I am leaving things behind because I know
that God wants my best. I confess my sins because I know God will teach me how to
walk away from that sin and not beat me up over my flaw. That feels real nice if
you ask me.
Sometimes I play stupid. I don't want to enter into an argument so I fluff off the
comment rather than arguing with a person. It often is a decision. I don't do this
as much as I did at one point in my life. I do find though I will come back to this
if a situation seems threatening to me in some way.
I also don't have a need to be the "smartest" person in the room anymore. Gone are the
days where I want to be "seen" I have no desire to be better than the next person any
more because I am content in my skin.
Someone likes to be in charge that works too. I will voice my thoughts if something is
immoral or illegal other than that I truly don't mind. I have a friend who conned me
into going to a concert one time knowing I would be terrified. I was but because I chose
to try to make her happy I went. I am glad I got conned into that event because after that
I was able to find my way as I drove with more confidence.
I do have a problem if someone wants to control me. I have had enough people trying to control
me to last a few life times. I get obstinate and I won't do things just to show them they
can't control "all" of me.
I was accused of playing stupid again the other day. As I keep looking at the situation I was not
playing stupid. I made a concious deciussion. I chose to ignore something rather than to allow
myself to get worked up over something incindental.
This may appear to be stupid but it helps me not to cave into my anger over stupid life things. I
don't have a need to be angry. I've done that enough in my life. My true goal these days is to be
who God wants me to be.
I keep reading my Bible and learning how to be a woman. Sometimes I even get it right. Proverbs 31
talks about a woman. She is the most awesome of women. As I read it I can get intimated. Then I realize
it is a general account. Not all women are the same. I also notice that the woman works. She sells her
land and such. A perfect mother can work.
I think if I had it to do again I'd still like to stay home even longer than I did. I think I'd want to
work a part time job. For me that would be the easiest way. I worked full time and then as I went along
I went back to school. Our income was very low and I worked to help out.
As I accept myself as I am I find that my need to be seen as the smartest, best person is not so strong.
I like me. I like my reasoning abilities just fine. I accept that I try to walk away from potiental anger
or from those who have a need to control.
My dumb routine will not go away completely. I like me. I love God and again my goal is to listen to God so
until God tells me to quit the "dumb" routine, it is here to stay.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine upon you.
Love
Janet