December 10 2013

December 10 2013
Greetings My Friend,
Because someone took the time..... It is a thought I am toying with today.
Because I found a few counselors through the years I learned ways to control
my anger. Because my Mohter-in-law came beside me I learned how to be a wife.
Because a friend held me in grief I learned tenderness.
It often is those moments that mean little or nothing to us but often mean
a huge difference to someone who is hurting and we don't even know the depth
of their hurt. Sometimes years later we may learn that moment of reaching out
and its impact.
I felt that a lot through the years. I wanted desperately to walk away from all
the junk that kept happening in my life. Until I was in my 40's I never knew that
men had tender sides.
I did not learn how to keep house as a child. I was expected to know how even
though our home was a hoarder's paradise. As I became a young woman I met a
few women who began to teach me how to pick up frequently and at that point I
began learning how to clean my home.
When I think about joy I often find it is those little
moments that I reached out
and took a chance. As I helped on mission trips to make someone's life a bit easier
I often found those people reaching back touching me and making a difference in my
own life.
The older I get the less I find material things to be of importance. I have often heard
that on our death bed we will not be focused on all of our achievements in life but on
those that touched our lives. I think this is very true.
The more I learn to love God the more I find my focus in life is changing. I am no longer
searching for approval from man. I no longer care if I have an important job, a fine home
or a fancy car. As I feel God's love I find that I am learning to love differently and my
life's desires are so different.

The Greek's had many words for love. I only remember a couple. There is eros love which is
sexual love. Philos love is friendship love. The one I hold onto is Agape love. It is seeking
another's highest good. I feel this love from God often. I sense God wants my best and will
keep pointing me in the direction that is best for me. I learn to go the way I am shown and
at that point I am giving God the glory.
I find myself requesting things from God often. These days I follow up with "Your will Lord." I
mean it as well. Sometimes God takes me down another path that makes no sense at the time. I am
learning to "just do it." When I can I often find that this new path is much better and more
rewarding than the direction I was headed on.
I often thought that a faith journey was a cake walk in the making. It is not. Many times I am
taken down a path that is long and difficult. Depression, deep depression for many years has
plagued me. My health kept falling apart. We were told to move when my health was not capable
of being a help mate to Junior. I found that I could not sleep more than a couple hours at a
time and I spent most of the day trying to get in 8 hrs. of sleep.
My brain was fogging out and making the simplest decisions became a chore. I have been stumbling
for many years now. I thought that it was because I had put on weight for the first time in my
life. Nope I rolled down a hill. I broke a verterbrae and had to have an MRI. On that MRI my
docotor discovered I have a birth defect. My brain stem is growning inside of my vertebrae which
is causing my balance issues.
My doctor had me do a sleep test and I have a devated septum which is causing me to not breathe
well so I can't sleep. Cancer I had that 9 years ago. Since then I find that I have no energy at
all. In that mix I have had my gall bladder out and my appendix out. So I went down way down. Now
I am on the other side of many of these struggles.
Some will be with me for the rest of my life. I have discoverd B vitamins and I am gaining more
energy. I also have set backs. We ran to Kingsport this week. Two days later I am still struggling
to have a measure of the energy I have on a normal day. I could not get up to run to the Chiropractor
this morning.
Through each of these struggles I have felt God's hand on me. At times a problem was revealed to my
doctor who then put me on a path. As I kept fearing my ex and I prayed and could not let it go I asked
God if I needed to be on an anti depressant. I kept praying but my thoughts kept taking over. I felt
God say it was time to take medication and these days I can go days without fear.
One by one I have walked through this journey. One by one I have learned and grown. God has held me tenderly
when I needed it. He has pushed me at other times. The constant in this mix is God. I find myself
turning over each and every thought and action to God.
These days I am so full of "thank you's." I know where I was. I know where I am now and it amazes me to no
end. At times Junior thought I was being lazy. He told me so often. God has opened his eyes to my struggle
and I don't hear about my laziness these days.
I am excercising more. I love that. I am cleaning house again and frankly I love that as well. I am cooking
more frequently and I like that too. My joy is the little things, like cleaning our home, cooking a meal or
loving my fur family and my husband.
As I have set backs these days I find myself accepting them. I no longer fear that there won't be an end to
all the down time. I know that if I rest and start over that soon I will be enjoying each day again. God keeps
reminding me that I matter. That feels so precious.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.
Love
Janet