November 4 2013

November 4 2013 Greetings My Friend, The flash drive I thought had my posts on it did not, my computer is at the shop so I ad lib again. My energy level is coming back from a trip to MI and to CO and slowly I am entering into the new things I learned last week in CO. Each day since our return from CO I have mastered for the most part one more thing on Hoot Suite. The vitamin b 12 I've been taking daily is also helping me to do more. I still wear out easy but I am able to rest and get back into things more often throughout the day. I just gave Daisy her bath in the kitchen sink. She handled that fairly well. She takes her eye drops fairly good also. She is such a joy in a quiet calm kind of way for me. Mindy hogs the attention like a puppy does and we love on her as she needs. I am grateful for the older dogs because they run her and play with her a lot throughout the day. As we left for CO we stopped by Verizon to upgrade our droid and get Junior a new phone. I am able to have a Bible app on that along with a memo app and I am enjoying having a bigger keyboard to take notes on. I am not good at texts and find I'd rather talk on the phone. Having a larger keyboard on the droid is nice. I used to take notes in longhand but my hands shake a lot these days so keyboarding is easier for me. This is part of my birth defect struggle. I got up and went outside without my cane the other day and I felt real unsteady that I wobbled back to get it. I am able to move about the house without the can though for now anyway. As we traveled in the airport I found myself wearing out. I remember at one time I could walk and walk. When life was hurting a good walk would quiet my mind and help me to move on through my struggle. I still walk these days but I can't go as far as I once did. The other thing vitamin b 12 is doing for me is helping me to concentrate again. I am able to stick to mental tasks longer and that feels real nice. As I get better at concentrating I hope to read more. Right now I can read small amounts and then I need to move on. A book has always been a good friend to me through the years and I long to get back into a book. I come back to my faith in my thoughts. I find these days that Jesus is what gives me the confidence to do day to day life. It surprises me that I have confidence since I've never been sure of myself. It is not my own confidence it is God. Now that I know I am a loved woman of God I tend to be willing to face the hard things in life. I don't need to bluster my way into being strong. I feel strong in the Lord. I face declining physical limitations with a calmness because some where inside of me I know that God is there showing me how to deal with each new problem. I face old age because God helps me accept the limitations life is dealing with me. I trust that God will guide me day by day to be Junior's wife, the one he needs not what I believe is what he needs. When I can let go of myself and let God lead me I find that I reach Junior in deep ways. That feels real nice. I have always believed in God but the low point in my life taught me to trust God. I find thoughts coming to me and I change the way I do things and that brings a peace I had never met before in my life. Sometimes I am so sad that I did not know God more intimately as a young person a mother raising her children and a wife to my first husband. I did all those things as I thought was right. They weren't but I thought they were and these days I see how wrong I was. I don't feel bad for long because I also believe that God took me right where I was at and He has changed me through the years. These days I like "me" real well. I don't try to change with every passing wind to make people happy. The more confidence I have in being "me" the more I don't worry about how I am perceived. These days my thought is "will God like what I am doing." If God is happy then what others think of me does not really matter. As I accept "me" for "me" I find a calmness residing within me. Marrying Junior has also taught me that a man and a woman can truly be friends. Prior to Junior I had never seen a man and a woman that was happy together. I felt they just pro created and that was about it. These days I know a man as a best friend. I run life through the filter of Junior. He knows me deeply and I also know he wants my best so he isn't going to steer me in the wrong direction. I also give Junior my thoughts from time to time on things he is dealing with and he listens to my thinking. That makes me feel real special. I still have a few close woman friends. I love to be with women from time to time as well. I help out on Fridays by folding bulletins at church with a few other ladies. I enjoy the fellowship. I love the female Sunday school class I attend. I share my struggles from time to time and they help me. I often help other women out from time to time as well. I find church to be more than a Sunday event. I develop friendships by being involved in various ways. Sometimes it is volunteering and sometimes it is the potlucks that churches are famous for. It is easy to be involved only with church family but these days I find that the church family helps me to go out into the world and share the Good News. One of the joys I have is acting silly. I love to get silly for the retail people I deal with as I shop. I feel that as I bring a smile to a harried clerk that I brought a moment of peace in a hectic day. The last few years Junior has had a young man in the community helping him. The young man has never held a job and is a second generation on assistance. It would be easy for him to stay on assistance so Junior had him help with the renovating he could not do. The goal was to help give him a few skills so he could find a job. Our need for him has come to an end and at this point we've done what we can. I have been learning a lesson. Giving of time and money is not always associated with a church. For me that is the way I thought I was serving God. Yes we can serve God at church but we also serve God outside of church. As I visited my cousin last week I also realized that my writing is a way to serve God. I have felt for a long time that I was to write. I started out with a mentor and then helping with a newsletter. As I retired I had the idea for "Letters from Janet." I wanted to share a day to day walk the good times and the hard times. For the longest time I felt that if you said the sinner's prayer then life would automatically turn around and life would turn into a cake walk. That is not the case. Sometimes it is real hard. Cancer was scary. Divorce was horrible. As I learned to talk to God as honestly as I could I found God coming beside me and guiding me and at times holding me so tenderly. The more I learned to listen to God I found peace within me even if what I was dealing with was hard. I often think of Jesus in the Garden praying before His death. He prayed "Father take this cup of suffering from me, not my will but Your will." Jesus prayed that 3 times and the 3rd time God sent angels to comfort our Lord. As we read we see that Jesus did indeed go on to a horrible death. I keep pondering His pain level. It was large. He hurt mentally, physically and spiritually. Each area hurt as much as the next. At this point I find myself so thankful for the gift we have in Jesus. At this point I want to do my best to continue to grow and learn all that I can for God and His kingdom. Will I ever be perfect? No but I can see a huge difference in "me." I am not the angry woman I once was. I am not the terrified woman I once was. I have confidence - not in me but in God. Yup give me Jesus! May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet