November 25 2013

November 25 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am about as happy as I can get. Junior is working on renovating the kitchen! After that the bathroom needs a ceiling, the washer moved to the new laundry room he built a few years ago and a master bedroom and bathroom. Of course all of this will take another few years is my guess but we are one step closer to a finished rebuilt beautiful home. I have decided to give my extreme bouts of tiredness a name. It to me is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. By giving a name to my bouts of extreme tiredness and lack of energy I find that I don't get upset with myself when I can't do anything but sit. It lasts for a day at this point and then I catch up on my need for rest and have energy. I also find that Sunday's tend to be a day where I sleep most of the afternoon. It was bothering me for a while until I realized that even though I do have more energy during the week with vitamin b 12 supplements I still wear down and need to regroup. It is something I have to deal with. Junior built me a shelf unit for the bedroom and I have my clothes stored in boxes on that instead of a dresser. It makes room for a recliner for when Junior's back is in need of a recliner and we can be in the same room. The two dressers that were in our room are now on the back enclosed porch. That area is starting to have order to it as well. We want to use this area for a storage area. The dressers are great at giving us a neater look and making room for us to store various things. This December we will have been in our home three years. I can't say how exciting it is that life is finally settling into routines and the house looks more like a house instead of a renovation war zone. As order continues to take shape I find my life to be more in balance as well. I think divorce upset my equilibrium about as much as cancer, retirement, 2 moves in 2 years has. Now that order and routines are taking shape again I find myself being able to move forward. Part of moving forward is realizing that my body does not go like it did as a younger woman, even ten years ago. As I work through my day I begin to realize that my mother-in-law slowed down as well. She seemed to always be doing something when we stopped by. She stayed home most of her adult life because she had 7 children so being a homemaker was what she did. As I look back on those years though I start to see that she too slowed down. I remember when she died that her children commented on the fact that the kitchen cupboards had dust on the dishes which at one point would have never happened. When I realize that she also slowed down and did what she could when she could I find that I give myself more grace. When we stopped by for visits the house always looked picked up. That is the look I wanted forever and a day. These days I find that I tend to be happy with a neat home. Not a spotless home but a neat home. My standards are relaxing and I don't think it is all bad. Junior does not handle over neatness well. He has met me in the middle and we have a clean home over all. He does not hoard things in the living areas of our home like he would like to do. We have out buildings with "stuff" packed to the gills. At least it isn't in my everyday. I think the thought that keeps playing through my mind lately is "where I was" and "where I am today." I also tend to take the thought further and realize that I won't be "where I am today in the future." I also find myself comparing myself less and less to others. I am starting to accept "me" right where God has "me." I have fallen into the sin of comparison for a good portion of my life. It has driven me to the point of craziness. I wanted to be "normal" as I grew up. I knew that my family was dysfunctional on some level even as a kid. I wanted to live like "normal" people and watched everyone around me. I tried to "fit in." As I have gotten older I see where that has been too hard to do. I can't find normal because "normal" is a matter of perspective. As I have learned to look to God first and feel accepted for my quirky ways I find that measuring up to other people's ways don't mean they are right for me. As I entered into my faith journey I met a woman who is several years older than me. She is precious and so full of energy. She was always involved in awesome ministry. I wanted to be "like" her. As my energy levels kept going south I was more frustrated. I also started trying to "see" where God was taking me in my own life. I had cancer 9 years ago. It wasn't bad I only needed radiation but that radiation did me in. At that point my energy started leaving me and day to day things was more and more difficult. As I looked back and saw my waning energy a part of me realized that if I had not been slowed down I would never sit still and write. I have wanted to write for a lifetime but life and being busy has gotten in the way. As I continued to read my Bible and to pray I see that I have been on a journey of becoming a writer. I love putting words together. I love sharing my life's journey in the hopes of helping others. It is something deep inside of me that wants out. As I look at the process I realize God was working out my best way back "when." Moments of reflection help me to see the "big picture." I understand God's desire for me even more so. God had us move from MI to VA four years ago. He took me away from all that was familiar. He allowed me to get all jumbled up emotionally and as I come back to "center" again I find it amazing that God has been guiding me to the place I am in now.

I am writing, I am Junior's helpmate and life could not be sweeter. I marvel that I had the nerve to find a cousin I had never met. We are on a faith journey and we both enjoy writing and sharing our faith. Again I see God's hand on me.

I am not a missionary or I can't sing very well but I do know how to write. This is what normal is for me it is "writing" about my faith journey and sharing it with others.

Junior has been a stabilizing person in my life as well. Junior does not do "drama." I have learned to walk away from the need to be dramatic about everything in my life and find that I like Junior's stable day in and day out quiet ways more so. It took me a while to slow down the drama in my life but now I can say I don't need drama at all.

Junior encouraged me to start writing from the start of our marriage. He enjoys my ability and is not in need of being more or better than I am. That feels nice. As I explore "me" and find "who" I am in the Lord I find I don't desire to compare myself to the next person.

My hyper ways can get many people annoyed and many smile at my antics and love me just the way I am. I like accepting that I am "the person" God wants me to be and as I accept myself the way I am I find "my" normal.

I thought with this lack of energy I would not be hyper and in many ways I am not what I once was. Still I find myself talking a mile a minute and changing subjects about as fast as I chat. My body is slower but my mind still runs constantly.

I am always puzzling out ideas and ways to do things. It moves me. As Junior has understood this need in me he does not get irritated. Sometimes I stumble across a really good idea and he uses it as he renovates our home.

Some people play games. I puzzle through life situations and seek a more organized way to do them. That to me is the game playing others do. Sitting down and playing a game drives me nuts.

My desire is to keep listening to God and learning what God is directing me to be in life. As I allow God to direct me I find my "normal" and love it.

What is your normal.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.
Love
Janet