August 15, 2012 Greetings My Friend, As I was praying today I found myself repeating requests. I heard a Minister on the radio one time state that God heard the request the first time. I have pondered for some time my repeating requests. I have decided that I repeat myself not because I don’t think God hears me but because I need to keep focused on the problem. Each day when I get to the confession part of my prayers I often say the same sins. I ask God to keep me from role playing, pride, arrogance, impatience, intolerance, lust, greed, envy, bitterness, jealousy, anger, un-forgiveness, fear and anxiety. These are problems God has helped me with and continues to help me stay away from. As I repeat them I am reminded that they have been a huge burden in my life and I’d like to not go there anymore. Day after Day I also ask God to help me love those that I find difficult to love. In doing this I find I don’t hold anger in my heart and I think I deal with them better when I see them. If I don’t see them again well, I don’t have anger inside of me. It helps me so much not to hold anger. I am learning that I may be right in my anger but I need to let it go. If I let the anger go then my heart is calmer. The saying “Let go, let God” comes to mind. I also pray through the cross most days. For me seeing Jesus go through his last hours reminds me of the gift I have been given. As I think on this I also remember that God seemed to teach the Israelites to remember. In remembering they knew God would be their God. So I repeat myself and at this point I feel good with the repetition. It is what I need to do to stay focused. As I read the Bible I see where God parted the Red Sea for the Israelites to cross over on. I see God knocking down the walls at Jericho and I also see God providing manna for the people to eat. Then I see a few chapters later that the Israelites forgot the wonderful things God did. It is amazing and I often feel critical until I realize I’ve done the same things. Part of my prayers is remembering and being thankful. I try to thank God for what He has done for me in my life, that day. I have not always been tuned into God and how He is working in my life. I have gone years without understanding God’s presence in my life. Many times as I am praying I see God has always been there. As a young person I was a tattle tale kind of kid. I told every secrete I knew. In general this is not good. As I look back though I realize that this behavior saved me from sexual abuse. I see that God gave me this behavior and I no longer hate myself for being that type of kid. It is not good overall don’t get me wrong but in this instance it is what saved me. I see times where God placed a program on the radio and I listened and began doing what I heard and it helped me move out of abuse. I still see the hugs I’ve been given by God and as I struggle with health issues and depression I know that God has not left me. I know I will be able to face the current struggle. I now remember Mother’s Day weekend a year ago and again I see where God was talking to me, holding me and helping me. I prayed and the more I prayed I felt God putting things on my heart. I saw how people were using me and I also saw God telling me He saw what went on behind closed doors. For me the repeating helps and I truly don’t think God minds. The Minister also stated our tendency to say “Lord, God” etc. over and over. As I have pondered that I find that I don’t think God minds. Sometimes our words are repeated as we grapple with what is on our heart and the repeating is a way for us to form words as we struggle to bring the deepness of our heart out to the open. At this point I think of the time a sinner and a Pharisee are in the temple praying. The sinner is repentant and feels unworthy and tells God that. The Pharisee is arrogant and brags to God about how wonderful he is compared to the sinner. Jesus teaches that God is happier with the sinner’s prayer. I need to give God my true heart, even if it hurts to admit my fault. In that moment I find that God hears me and helps me. The more I am honest with God then the more I am able to move out of the dysfunctions in my life. As a Christian I often don’t want people to know those dark places I have in my heart. I don’t want people to think badly of me. Well for me, I’m the type that would tell the world as well. Still I don’t want people to think that I struggle with “that” type of problem. Well, guess what I do. So I take my struggles to God over and over. In the repeating I am learning that this struggle is part of who I am and I learn that God will take it away. I have stayed away from most of the sins I mentioned for years now and I will continue to repeat myself. I also ask God pretty much daily to teach me to be the wife Junior needs and again the repeating helps me to not be so self - focused that I forget that Junior also has needs. I am finding that when I am seeking Junior’s highest then God is also training Junior to be the husband I need. Junior is finally realizing that I am not a wimp and is more sensitive to his comments about me being lazy. Yup, I am not going to give up repeating myself. I think God understands and don’t mind. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet