May 5, 2012 Greetings My Friend, There is that thought again….I keep pondering and then thinking how in the world can I write and explore this thought. It is embarrassing really. Anyway it is nakedness. My thought is about being naked and yet most of us are not willing to let others see us naked….emotionally or physically. My first thoughts tend to go to the cross. Through the years I have learned that Jesus was hung up naked on the cross. Many artists have a piece of cloth over Jesus’ private parts but in reality when people were hung up on the cross they were hung up naked. As I pray through the cross I tend to think of Jesus being naked and the humiliation he must have had. Shortly after that initial thought I tend to think of God’s love and the nakedness factor is there. God loves us enough to be naked for us, for us to know Him that intimately. It is a moment of amazement to me. My mind goes off from that point. Naked…Jesus was naked on the cross. That again is a marvel. For me….I hate showing off my body. I have had a few incidents in my life that embarrass me even now. There was the time when I was a child and we had a small pool outside and I went in to change into a bathing suit and there were some boys around. At that point in my life I felt we were the same that was before I began to change into a woman. Boys were flat chested and so was I. The boys were hankering to see me naked and I finally ran outside with no clothes on. Years later when the same boys saw me and mentioned that incident I remember I wanted to die. Then there was the time when my ex and I took the kids to the beach. I was watching them in the water and I was on the beach. My ex wanted me to go in to the water and I didn’t want to go in. my ex then drug me into the water. He dunked me under the water and as I came up and cleared the water from my eyes I saw people pointing at me. I looked down and my bathing suit top was around my waist. I was so embarrassed. I dunked down lifted my top and then got out of the water. It took me years to go into the water at the beach again. If I did put on a bathing suit I generally put a shirt or a towel over me. I was tiny for most of my life. People still tell me I am small although I am a good 20lbs heavier than I have been. I generally tell people that I now weigh more than when I gave birth to my children. For me I am real heavy. Being naked for me is uncomfortable. It means people may truly see the fat layers I have. Clothes can also hide a lot of the imperfections my body has. I can enhance my body by the different clothes I wear. I love small breasted women who push up their breasts with various products and then wear a top that makes them look big busted. We try to present ourselves the way we want others to know us. To be honest for most of my life I truly did not want to be big busted. In my way of thinking that meant those breasts would get in the way when I ran and I would rather run than have a lot of cleavage. My Dad was always making fun of my small breasts. He would tell me I needed to put hostess cupcakes in my bra because I was so tiny. After I had children I managed to have a little more cleavage. I still saw myself as the woman with hardly anything to offer. Junior was very happy with my breast size when I married him. To him I was a big breasted woman. I guess comparatively I was. Junior has made me feel good about my body even though I weigh more. He continues to look at me like I was the 110 woman he married. I love that. He does make me feel like a woman. With Junior I find myself more open and honest about who and what I am. I am not afraid to let him know that frightened woman I can be at times. One night we were snuggling in bed and Junior reached over and hugged me. He said I made him feel safe. I usually am befuddled when I hear that. I am about the weakest woman physically. I usually translate his feeling safe with him feeling he can be who he is and not worry. I feel that way with Junior. He loves me warts and all. I love Junior warts and all. So that means when he went through his curb side shopping days, I loved him even though I did not appreciate it. Right now I love Junior for fixing on our house. I often wished he would work in a more organized way. I want to see finished products, rooms. He does a project and then moves to a different room. He works outside the box so he feels he is organized. As I entered into my relationship with God I found myself being naked with Him. He knows all so to me pretending was not going to work. As I learned to name my sin I found God did not want to beat me up. I found God showing me how to move away from that sin. I also found more peace entering my life. I am continuing to learn how to be honest with God. I am amazed when I name my struggle and then God holds me so tenderly. Again I learn that God doesn’t want to beat me up but wants my highest good. Junior does not want to beat me up, he wants my best. I like this type of nakedness. May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet