January 14, 2012 Greetings My Friend, Since being married to Junior my life has settled in so many ways. Long gone are the days of anger and screaming and throwing things. My need to be right at any cost is gone. My need for constant attention is gone. I no longer wake him in the mornings with “can we talk”. I am not who I once was. I have continued with counseling and accountability groups through the years. They have helped me not be over needy when I’d rather be. As family has rejected me I have found that life can still go on and for the most part I can find life enjoyable as well. I believe my faith journey is what truly sustains me along with the counseling in conjunction with my faith journey. Counseling will help me see what I need to do to change. God though is number one in my healing. One of the hugest struggles I tend to have is “who am I?” If I listen to my family then I am self-centered, not very bright and annoying to no end. If I listen to my friends then I am caring, compassionate and funny. So who am I? This is something I am consistently trying to process. Especially given the fact that I am not wanted by family I find myself struggling. To be honest that is what I desire way down deep in my heart to be part of a family. As a young woman I tended to gather around me old family treasures. There was the trunk that was our Grandfather’s first wife. There is an old book shelf that was handmade by some past distant relative. There are the tin type photo albums and of course there is the gate legged table that Grandpa and Grandma bought used back in 1928. I asked a guy one time and the guess is the table was probably made in the 1890’s. These old treasures became the family I did not know. On Dad’s side of the family I had only met my grandparents a few times. I never met my Uncle and his family. On Mom’s side there was her brother and his family and a couple of cousins. As we grew up we basically lost touch with each other. So these family treasures are what linked me to the past. Through the years God has given me some very loving and caring friends. They tend to step in and have become the family I long for. ML that woman will talk to me, hold me when I struggle and we have known each other since we were children in Sunday school. K and I were Sunday school friends as well. There is M now who I know from work and we have maintained contact since I have retired. We share the sting of abuse so we hold each other up as we process an abusive past. There is p that I have truly gotten to know in a deeper way since moving down to VA. In MI we knew each other but we traveled in different circles. Down here we have had the opportunity to grow this relationship and I find I marvel at the similar paths we are on and have been in. There is B who is my cohort in mischief. So I have surrounded myself with women who love me and let me love them. The church family down here continues to astound me. They “get” me. They allow me to be silly and they tend to see I have some intelligence as well. As we have settled I have immersed myself into the community. It feels wonderful when I am out and about and I am greeted by someone who knows me. I was driving one time and someone started honking and calling my name. I was so surprised because I had gotten used to not being known. That was fun. I was startled though. I was contemplating this “who am I’ and wrote on FB. I went through my growing up stuff. My life in general and at the end I said “my family thinks I am self-centered, insufferable and not too bright. Then I said that my friends tend to think of me as caring, compassionate and funny. Then I asked “who am I?” As I said I struggle with this a lot. I also realize that we do not have to become what others see us to be. I learned that real well as I left a life of abuse. My fear was going into another relationship of abuse. I wanted to leave that life behind. My counselor kept telling me “healthy finds healthy.” That saying really motivated me into getting healthy. It motivates me to get into counseling when I am struggling. It took me a while to find a counselor out here but now I have one and I am going. The real nice thing is I generally only need to go once a month. I need an assist if you will. My conclusion on FB was that I am a child of God the most high God, a child of the King. It is in my faith journey that I have found ‘me’. I find if my heart is in God and I listen to God then life moves along fairly well. When those very painful moments come then I talk to God even more so. I talk to God most days. I start at bedtime. As I wake up in the night I talk to him and then finish in the morning. As I go through FB I find people to pray for. I like that a whole lot. I have even put on FB in the evening’s people that I know of who could use prayer. I started this with my nephew who got burned and at this point it may become a permanent nightly request. One lady puts out before she heads to bed ‘may the angels dance around your bed.’ Who are you? Have you thought about this question? May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love