October 8, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

Don’t tell on me. Sometimes I like to go back to my favorite childhood cereals and eat them. I love Sugar Pops and Cocoa Krispy’s. For the most part I eat healthier cereals like oatmeal, Special K etc. Once in a while it seems to be fun to eat what I enjoyed in the past. Then on occasion I eat old favorites in the candy department like $100,000.00 candy bars and Milk Duds. Sometimes I don’t know if I really taste these things in the now – it is a memory for me.

I remember as I was becoming an adult thinking things were definitely not right with my home situation. Of course I understood Dad’s polio and our family learning to adjust our way of life. Beyond that there was still a lot of dysfunction. I remember not liking it a whole bunch. Somewhere along the way I seemed to come up with this phrase and I believe I repeated it even as my children were coming of age. For me it helped to move through life. The phrase was something like “We spend our childhoods enduring the junk and the rest of our lives overcoming our childhood.”

On one level I knew my parents did what they could with all the junk of polio and little income. On another level I just didn’t get it and to be honest a whole bunch of life hurt. My family did anger. That is the way we processed life. You get mad and then in mad you respond to what is happening.

One of the things I enjoy doing is watching family dynamics through the generations in my family. It seems to be a hobby for me. My Dad’s father was a very angry man. His anger displayed itself often on his family in his abuse. I have focused a lot on the physical abuse of anger – another thing I know deep down. I know the anger and that this type of anger often is also rough on the emotional wellbeing of those who are near. I know it and yet I’m not as aware of the emotional devastation it can cause.

I also know that words tend to hurt more than a broken bone in anger. Many of the hurts from my past are the words not the bruises. I tend to recall the words more often than the beatings. Still I find myself reliving the physical moments and the fear that raged through me. I guess I tend to combine both the words and the abuse in my mind’s eye.

Anyway recently I’ve been in contact with people within my family and I hear of anger from some of them. There is a huge unforgiving attitude that seems to play along with the anger. There is a “what is right is right” type of thinking and if you aren’t doing what is perceived as right the anger seems to manifest itself even more.

As I talk to a cousin on my Dad’s side I am learning a lot about my family dynamics. I met this cousin a little over a year ago. Dad walked away from his family. He didn’t want a thing to do with anyone in the family. From what I learn from my Cousin Dad’s reaction was not uncalled for. Grandpa was an absolute tyrant. From what I am learning my Uncle tried to stay close to our Grandparents. Grandpa continued to wreak havoc on my Uncle and his family. He swindled my Uncle out of property etc. Like I said Grandpa wasn’t a nice man. Finally my Uncle walked away as Dad did. Dad was 14 and my Uncle was married and had children before he gave up and walked away.

I know for me it has taken a life time to let go of being angry at the drop of a hat. I believe I’ve let it go finally. I also believe it has been because I’ve asked Jesus for help. I just don’t get as worked up like I once did. As the saying goes “Life is too short to let anger get in the way.”

So at this stage of life I find that eating cereal from my childhood is a way of remembering those good moments not the anger that ruled my life. It is a way of putting a smile on my face. It is a way of being a child in my mind’s eye, a child that had happy moments.

I loved to do cartwheels. I just remembered that. See when you take your mind there it will search for those happy moments not the sad or scary moments. I would cartwheel all around the front yard all summer long. Oh I remember Mom and Dad’s ashtrays. They had colored glass ashtrays and I’d take a clean one outside and walk around looking through it. It was fun seeing the trees and what have you with a green or yellow tint to them.

Long gone are the days of reliving the moments that were painful. Do I relive them? Yes I do, just not as often or as long. Now more often than not I like to take my mind to those happier moments. As I see my granddaughter on FB with all her young self-stuff I find that sometimes I remember back to when. She is a texting addict. I then begin to remember we had a princess phone with a long cord on it. We’d squirrel ourselves in a room with the door closed so no one could hear our conversation.

As I read the Bible I sometimes hear God say “to the third or fourth generation.” As I read that more often than not I am starting to realize when we let a dysfunction/sin into our lives it will display itself in the generations and often grow worse. When a family member begins to take the sin to God and ask for help then I start to see a healing within the family/community. Counseling has taught me that the first step to healing is to admit there is a problem and then you are able to be open to learn how to resolve the problem. For me counseling has helped but Jesus is the way I tend to understand and to let go. I need both Jesus and counseling.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet