August 27, 2011

Greetings My Friend,
Thoughts at large:
Tomorrow I go back to the surgeon about my ultra sound. At first I was a little scared. As I talked with the women in Sunday school, I found that the doctors out here tend to overdo the testing. I began to relax. I went for my repeat ultra sound last week and the technician did not see anything. So I am anticipating that this is the end of this problem. I do have to say though that each year as the mammogram time comes around there is that hold my breath moment.

At one point as I was going through radiation I found myself thinking that I’d like to live. My doctor told me that we caught the cancer very early and I was not going to die from the cancer. I found myself thinking “well if I did die I’d be home with Jesus and if not then I can see the grandchildren grow up, live with Junior longer.” To me that was a freeing moment. I felt at peace with whatever happened. I am grateful to have lived.

For quite a few years now I have been afraid that I would be put to the test about my faith and I would fail. I think of Columbine at times like this. The one girl was asked about her faith and she said she believed in Jesus and then the kid shot her. I was afraid I would back down at a crucial moment like that. Lately though as I pray through Jesus’ last hours I see Him go into the garden to pray. I can almost see Him sweating drops of blood as it says in the Bible. I feel His anxiety at facing the final hours. Then I hear Him pray “Father take this cup of suffering from me, not my will but yours.” Jesus prayed that prayer three times. The third time God sent angels to comfort Him. At this point I begin to “get it.” God does know our struggles. He understands our fears. I also realize that if Jesus struggled and prayed then I need to even more so.

I have also begun to learn that God won’t allow us to go through things if we can’t handle it. That brings me comfort as well. At this point I begin to realize that if God is allowing this struggle then He knows I am capable of handling the struggle with His help. This makes me want to be in prayer even more so. If I am staying connected to God then I will be able to face whatever comes my way.

As I think on this I realize that is where I have been these past many years. I have faced some hard struggles in my life. I have faced rejection. I have faced my family not wanting me. There is a young man going through a divorce in the family. His wife is being friendly with the family and he does not feel supported. The wife is supported but his own family is not supporting him. I felt that way as well after my divorce. My ex became everyone’s good friend. I often felt alone and it hurt. God though has been there beside me through the trails of divorce. He has comforted me, dusted me off and sent me back into the world.

God has sent me precious friends who have held me as I have hurt. He gave me Junior who consistently shows me a tender love. God has sent me to the porch and brought nature to me when I hurt. I don’t know why but that was a wonderful hug in its own way. God put Junior and I into a Sunday school class for re-marrieds and we found some very precious friends. We have attended marriage seminars and have grown so much. He gave us a seminar on anger management and in it I learned that children of abuse often blame the mother for not getting them out of all that mess.

Oh yes, there are the pets. Alex has been with me since just before I was divorced. He claims me as his own and he loves me when I am down. These puppies….I can’t tell you how wonderful their little warm bodies feel. Of course their puppy messes are a bit trying but their warm love tends to make up for their bad behavior.

Junior is starting to work inside more with the heat of summer. He has all the walls in the bedroom paneled and it looks awesome. I can walk around the outside and see some of the finished product and it looks real nice. He is putting up a new door for the utility room. We have a new door for the front door and soon that will go in. Oh….I watch DIY a lot these days, always looking for new ideas as we fix on the house. Anyway they showed a wall for a kitchen where they used blackboard paint for a wall. Junior has painted a board with the blackboard paint and it is fun. So we continue to move forward on making this house our dream home.

I am cleaning up more and more. I like that too. As I enter into Bible Study, volunteering I am gone three days a week now. As I run, I pick up before and after like I did when I worked. The house is more and more like I’ve been with housework and that feels real good. I’ve kind of quit doing dishes though. My hands broke out some and I want a dish washer and Junior doesn’t want to spend the money….so I let him do dishes….. I never said I was a saint…

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet