April 9, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

An old story of my Dad is playing out in my thoughts. As you know, Dad had polio and taught himself how to walk again when no one thought he’d be able to. That was a miracle. Dad had asked for a back brace and our church provided him one. With this brace, he taught himself how to walk using the muscles in his back. Dad had a strange walk, he looked like he was a drunk, but Dad was able to walk. Stairs were a struggle for him. He bent over almost in half and that is how he got up the stairs. Amazing!

While we were at school and Mom at work, Dad would spend hours teaching himself how to walk. Many times he would fall and have to crawl back to the wheel chair before he could get up again. I believe in my heart that is where I get my dogged determination to see things through. Actually, I see that all three of us kids seem to have adopted this determination. As I play this thought out, I see Mom standing by Dad. She told me one time that she was planning on leaving Dad and when he had polio and Grandma and Grandpa walked out on him, Mom stayed with Dad. The three of us kids have a strong sense of loyalty as well. We tend to not give up when things are going rough, we stick it out. I believe in my heart that is why I stayed married for 24 years, I didn’t always have the sense to call it quits, even when life hurt so bad.

The story I’m thinking about happened one time when Dad went to the strip mall near our house. It was cold out. Dad tripped on a raised crack in the sidewalk and fell down. He fell and struggled so hard to get back up. While he was struggling a crowd formed to watch him. He kept hearing about him being drunk, which he was not. No one offered him a hand to get up either. Dad eventually found a way to get himself up and left the scene very humiliated.

He told that story many times as I was growing up. That hurt him deep in is being. Dad left home at 14 and never returned. He’d stay in area garages and earned his keep by helping out. Dad had a nasty temper. Dad stole. Dad was not the best of kids. I often heard him talk about being able to overcome his delinquent youth. As a father he tried to live a wholesome life. He tried to make a reputation for himself, one of being a good man. He worked hard at it. He was proud to have walked away from his past. Dad would often admonish me with “remember you are a Rogers and that is a name you don’t want to tarnish.” He knew what a tarnished reputation was about and didn’t want us to have to overcome that.

I was Dad’s confidant. Many times when I got home from school, Dad was getting up. Dad worked nights, Mom days. Dad sat at the table smoking his cigarette and often confided in me. As a kid, I loved it. Some of what Dad talked about, he should not have talked with me about. I didn’t grasp that till I was older and had kids of my own. I believe I may have even tried to talk to my children in ways I should not have. It was what I knew and I wound up repeating, not knowing.

At some point in my adult life, I could not face life. I thought that counseling would help me. I knew I grew up in dysfunction, not that I could put a name to it at the time. I’ve spent a good portion of my adult life trying to figure life out. For me life hurt. I could not figure out how to be accepted. I wanted to be normal, whatever normal is. In school I learned that frequent bathing was important. I learned to brush my teeth. We weren’t made to do these things at home. Dad’s philosophy was you only needed a bath once a week. More often was not healthy, in his opinion. I remember I would wait till Dad would go to bed and then jump in the shower. My hair was very oily and it needed to be washed every day.

Counseling did help. I would not stick with it though. It cost money and money was tight. I’d go for a while start to feel better and then quit. My ex and I started counseling yet again before the marriage ended. As we went through the divorce and for a couple of years afterwards I stuck with counseling. I finally started to feel whole. This time though I began a serious faith journey with Jesus. I believe the combination of Jesus and counseling was one of the best things I’ve ever done.

Counseling has allowed me to say, “I didn’t like that, that hurt and such.” Once I was able to voice my feelings, I began to feel whole and alive. Counseling taught me to look back and to see where different hurts arose. My one counselor taught me about deep wounds. They heal from the inside out and he taught me that was how I was going to fully heal, from the inside out. I believe he was right.

Jesus also taught me the importance of forgiving others. Through the years I’ve learned that in forgiving others you really are letting go of the hurt. I tend to see my hurts nailed to the cross. If I begin to dwell on the hurt, I look at the hurt nailed to the cross and I am able to let it go. I go to prayer a whole lot as I am hurting. Sometimes I need to talk to a counselor to begin to let go of the hurts. When I truly forgive, I find peace. I tend to beat myself up a lot when I make mistakes, especially if I’ve hurt someone. God has taught me to bring this to Him. As I let go, peace begins to reside in me. Mom and Dad had a lot to deal with and raising us was hard. I’ve learned to let go, let God and in that I can then begin to see the struggles Mom and Dad had AND have compassion.

Here is my oft asked question again, have you forgiven? It is good for your soul.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet