April 16, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

I’m having a rotten few days. Right now life sucks big time. I want to love God with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength. I’m praying a whole lot trying to hear God’s direction and frankly that is hard right now.

If there is a problem then go to the person directly. If that doesn’t work go with a witness and then if that don’t work, let them go – I think. This is something I have read throughout the Bible. It makes a whole lot of sense to me too. Now I’m in a situation where I want to say “stop it, I’ve had enough and that doesn’t feel good.” I feel backed into a corner and when I get backed into a corner the fighter in me comes out.

I don’t feel heard. I don’t understand the other person’s perspective either. As hard as I try, I’m not getting it. I am totally missing the point. I’m spending lots and lots of times in prayer saying Lord help me and I am not hearing His voice.

Two or three friends tell me not to send a note I have written. I don’t. They say if this situation is eating at you this much why don’t you just take them off the friend list on Facebook. More than one tells me that and I think this is a sign, maybe it is time to walk away so I take that person off of Facebook. My desire was, take them off, several other people so this person won’t see my stuff all over the other peoples stuff. The person sees I’m not out there and figures out that they’ve been deleted and asks about it. I tell them, that I’m trying to not be such a bother and a whole blow up ensues.

In my mind I feel like I’ve gone person to person with how this is affecting me. I do hear that I am rough. I’m not trying to be. Still that backed in a corner feeling is front and center in the emotion department. I try to tell them and they don’t hear, I can’t seem to hear either. I know that the emotions on both our parts are real raw.

More praying, lots of praying and still I am not getting the idea of how to deal with this hurt. How do you tell people to stop? How do you tell them and be nice? How do you tell and hear? The questions continue to bombard me. The pain is about as raw as it gets. I want to love but I also don’t want to continue on the way things have been.

I eat some chips and dip, comfort food for me. I take myself for a long drive. I feel a little more settled but I don’t find an answer. I finally come up with a “nice” note in my opinion. I send it off, a rebuttal comes back. Ok, now I answer every line in the note and it is not pretty. Finally, I start a new note and it is kinder. Nope I’m still not heard, still told I’m too dramatic and the reason I’m not wanted in the family is because I shut them out. Ok, now what to do. Time to shut the door, the pain is now unbearable.

In the recent past, I have found that I needed to be direct. I felt the air clear some and felt the direct approach worked. No it did not really, at the time though I thought it worked. I felt peace afterward. The problem was not really resolved and the festering boil of emotions continued to grow. The boil of emotions finally opened up into oozing pain. So now what?

The girl friends have been helpful. They have let me say “ouch.” They have told me to write it out, I’ve been doing that. I still have no peace. I know the person has had a lot of struggles. I know they are not touchy feely and my touchy feely ways are totally uncomfortable and they want to shut the door, move on and say it is what it is. I find no solution in this approach.

I can’t sleep. I’m up half the night, up fairly early the next day and no solution as to how to pop this festering boil from my system. In my mind it is time to walk away. Enough is enough. They see me as overly dramatic, all about me and have no clue as to what I’m trying to say.

My friends love on me. They let me talk, try to find a solution. We are not gossiping although I’m sure people think that is gossip. The goal is to find that middle ground and I can’t find it in my thought life. Out loud works for me and so I try to stay focused on the struggle and how to relieve the boil within my heart.

As I was driving I thought, oh I need to ask for prayer on this whole situation. I need to ask if someone would go to prayer with me beside them and help me find God’s voice. That begins to settle in me. So I will find the friend who will pray for me and with me.

I want to love this person. I also want them to stop a few things, I can’t take it anymore. I understand that life is tough for them. I understand that being a prickly pear is how they cope. I understand a whole lot of things but right now……I need some relief.

So, I will continue to pray until I hear what I’m to hear. God will quiet my heart, my thoughts eventually. I’m guessing as I quiet down, I’ll start to hear and know how to respond with love, right now though……I will pester God until I can feel me settling down. He will settle me, open my eyes, my heart and I’ll be able to put this in the right perspective.

The biggest lesson for me is not to wait till the situation is out of control. I may need to ask God to help me sooner the next time.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet