January 1, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

Another New Year, why is it I feel such hope each New Year? I have a feeling that this year….fill in the blank. I don’t think I’m alone either. People do New Year’s resolutions. They have goals such as lose weight, stop a bad habit etc. We start the New Year with a lot of anticipation and excitement.

One of the things I try to do is look back at the previous year and ask “Am I closer to God than I was at the start of the last year?” It is a time of reflection and in that I begin to formulate the goals for the next year. I learned this precious lesson from a Minister, teacher that led my Sunday school class for many years.

I also look at life with “hope” again. Hope is what helps me get out of bed and out the door. Without hope, I find I’d like to curl up in a ball and not participate in life at all. Many years ago now I had a period of time where I did not want to get out of bed or off the couch. I found myself sitting on the couch with a blanket wrapped around me. I had lost hope. Marriage was not what I thought it was to be, my kids needed more than I knew how to give, I lost hope, all sense of being needed wanted etc.

I eventually worked my way out of that despair. It took me a while, but I found a reason to move through life. Grandma, she sensed my deep pain. When I’d see her she told me often that I needed to quit thinking “those” thoughts. Her eyes lit up so big whenever I came to visit. She truly enjoyed me. That helped me tons.

I went through life after that, one day at a time. I found a job and the people there were so helpful. They showed me I was precious, wanted even intelligent. I started growing and feeling productive and wanted and it felt awesome. Eventually my marriage ended. That was hard, yet I also knew that I could move forward. I met Junior, boy he thought I was beautiful. He was so excited when I let him hold my hand, when we kissed the first time and he was thrilled when I said “yes,” when he asked me to marry him.

Junior encouraged me to deepen my faith walk. He encouraged me to read my Bible and he told me that I needed to put God first in my life – a wonderful and precious lesson. As I learned to love God, to find out who God was, I found hope residing within me all the time. I found myself facing life for the first time in my life with “hope.” I found that I am truly wanted. I discovered that was a feeling I’d had and never knew how to name. I had felt un-wanted a whole lot. With Jesus though, I felt wanted, valued and even lovely. Junior mirrored these things to me. He was constantly showing me I was beautiful. The man loves my long nose, the nose I was made fun a whole lot. He thinks I’m beautiful even with weight on. He thinks I’m smart and is not threatened by it.
As we moved through life, I had hope. I didn’t care if I was liked by everyone. Jesus wanted me and that is all that mattered. As I came to retirement, I struggled with many issues at one time. I never fully re-gained my energy after I had cancer. I began to have health problems, hypoglycemia, and arthritis in my neck. These were a struggle to learn how to live with. I had a fight with a loved one where a split seemed to be what was needed. We decided we needed to move to another state. We did. In all of that I began to lose sight of hope. It was all I could do to face the next round of life changing events.

I was falling asleep all day long and sleeping all night. I loved to sit on the couch, looking at Facebook, reading e-mails. Housework, I had pretty much given up on that. Going for a walk was a major challenge. Me who loves to walk did not even want to walk. I had a scare, I had break through bleeding and needed to get that dealt with. I met a wonderful doctor. She helped me face that struggle. That problem was resolved and we moved onto life in general. I mentioned to her my tendency to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. She took some blood and everything checked out fine – such a relief. She suggested I see a counselor.

As I move through counseling, I once more realized that I had lost all sense of “hope.” I began to believe the people in my life who thought I was negative, self absorbed, too talkative and the list goes on. I heard only my flaws and never once gave thought to my talents and abilities. I had lost sight that I am a child of God and a child of the King and in that I am precious, just the way I am. That is what I love about God. He loves me the way I am, right where I am. Until I am loved and accepted where I am, I find it hard to change. With that wonderful love though, I have courage to face my flaws, my defects. I am able to change if God asks me to. I also learn we are not all the same.

God has called me to do many things, write a book, be Junior’s wife, move, to let go of relationships at times and to reach out to those God puts me in contact with. When I am doing what I am called to do…..I find hope residing within me again. I cannot “just do it.” God doesn’t want me to be that way. He has made me to be a questioner, that’s ok. I do talk a lot, that’s ok too. In talking, I find my mind exploring, in exploring, I find a need to write what I am learning. At this point again, I realize I am to write, to share what I’ve learned. Another person is to “just do it.” That is ok too. God did not make us all the exact same way that is the beauty of God. We are all members in Christ. One is a hand, another a nose and still another a foot.

I’ve had a few comments that I am negative about my life, my family etc. I try to be honest, respectful but honest. For me to pretend life was ok because Mom and Dad are gone is closing the door. I can’t close doors. God has had me look into the layers of life. He made me that way. I respect those that can close the doors, for me though, I can’t.

I respect what my parents went through. Dad was abused terribly. His anger of being abused, having polio played itself out on us kids. I was able to reconcile my hurt with Dad before he died. I am ever grateful we were able to overcome the hardness of life. Mom on the other hand, I shut the door for most of my life. I am sad because I never got to “work” through things I should have and now it is harder since she is gone.

Again I have a deep respect for my parents. They dealt with a lot of horrible things. I am amazed at what they accomplished. As I get older I begin to look back all the way to Adam and Eve. Sin entered into the world and ever since each generation has to work through life and its hard knocks.

My oft asked question comes to mind again. Is there someone you need to forgive? I also want to ask, where is your hope? One last question, are you closer to Jesus than a year ago?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet