August 21, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
There it is again. I keep running into this struggle and I don’t know how to deal with it. It is an attitude and I feel it says, “I’m better than you and what you are doing is sooooo not worthwhile.” It doesn’t seem to matter that we may be made differently, have different tastes etc. It is an attitude and sometimes it hurts.
I like to write, bet you didn’t know that? I love to write. I feel compelled to write. When we are in a faith journey with the Lord and you feel something this strong on your heart, well, you need to do it and it begins to consume you…. you can’t not do it. You have to do what is on your heart to do.
My book may or may not sell. That is what happens when you write. I’ve chosen to self publish. I wasn’t up to a ton of rejections. I prayed and sensed God saying, I need to self publish. So I have self published this book. If the book is going to sell, God will see to it that it sells.
My goal is to reach the “un-churched.” I may reach some, I may not. When I get to heaven and I stand before the Lord, I need to answer to Him. That also compels me. I want Jesus to say, “Well done good and faithful servant.” I want Jesus to be proud of me. So I am willing to do what is on my heart.
Sometimes I find a need to reach out to people in the community down here. One lady in particular can be seen as a “yuck” type of person. When I look at Jesus and His life, He often reached out to “those” type of people. For me, I have felt like that a lot. You know “one of those people.” Jesus loves ME, the weird, unlovable type of person I am. Jesus also tells me I am worthwhile. He tells me He wants me to put blinders on and begin to look past the distasteful parts of their personality and look at their heart. For me that has been such an awe inspiring moment. Jesus, looked passed my “strange” personality defects and into my heart.
Sometimes that means I may be seen in public with these types of people. I may even be looked down upon because I am seen with this type of person. Still if I am sincere about my faith journey, then I need to love as I am loved. I am not to love as the world does. I also believe God will “protect” me if I need to be protected. The lady I am thinking of here is not a person who will be my best friend. We are worlds apart in our general lifestyles. I can be a friendly face, a caring person in general. I am also not going to “give” her the shirt off my back, just to give her things. We aren’t really helping people if we just give for the sake of giving. Sometimes giving may be a listening ear, a smile or a gesture that says you are precious in God’s sight, give an occasional ride and on occasion it may be that I give money, food etc. I need to be discerning as I reach out to give.
I also think about Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was 100 when Isaac was born. God told Abraham to take Isaac and offer him as a sacrifice. As Abraham was preparing Isaac God told him not to sacrifice the child and a ram came along and that is what Abraham sacrificed. The lesson for me is that I need to “step out” in faith. I learn again that God is a God of action not in action. If I feel compelled to reach out to someone who is “strange to me,” to write a book etc. then I need to “do it.” If I don’t……I feel “not right.” Until I do what I am sensing God leading me to do, I will not feel any peace until I do it.
Another struggle I am having is my past. I have met people who can close the door to their past. I can’t. Part of the problems I had in my past was ignoring, pretending the things that were going on were not going on. Until I began to face the reality of what was being done, I could not move out of my pain. I had a counselor tell me one time that what was done to me wasn’t that bad. For me, until I admitted that I didn’t like it, I couldn’t move forward, I was stuck. Once I was able to say “I didn’t like that,” I was able to begin a journey of healing. I was able to forgive, to let go etc.
One of the most painful moments in our family was a child who died. He drowned on a school field trip. The adults were not keeping tabs on the kids. He got sick, fell into the water and drowned. The next year was the most painful year. It was hard to move forward and this child was talked about a whole lot.
As the years have gone on, the need to talk about it has decreased. We remember him though. He was a part of our lives for 12 years and we don’t really forget that he was part of our lives, even if it was only for a few years. I can’t shut the door to my “old” life. I was married to a man, gave birth to his children and even raised them with this man. How do I shut the door?
I hurt a whole lot as well. Through the years, I’ve been able to let go for the most part. I still bring up “old” memories, very painful memories from time to time. Part of me needs to remember so I don’t repeat “old” patterns. Closing the door so to speak, was part of what contributed to my dysfunction. Part of me can’t believe I allowed the junk that went on. Part of my struggle is called “post traumatic” stress. A lot of what helped me move out of my dysfunction was “talking” as in talking to counselors, to other women who struggled as I had struggled and so I “talk” still. Junior and I were in a couple of accountability groups through the years as well. We all talked about the struggles we had in our past lives and struggles we were dealing with in the present. As we “peered” into our lives we began to let go and move on.
I have been divorced for 13 years now. My need for constant “talking” is much less. I have “worked” through many of my previous feelings of hurt and rejection. I have a friend who was married for 5 years. It was a crazy marriage and then her husband left her. She was single for at least ten years before she married again. She has been married for 17 years now and her husband is the “love” of her life. On occasion, we still talk about those “old” feelings. We don’t dwell on it, but they come out. The “talking” helps her to let go even now. The talking also will from time to time help me. Sometimes when I am working through some old hurts, her comments help me. I learn my feelings are “ok.”
I wish I could shut the door. For me to shut it is to deny that part of my life never existed. To me it is like the child in our family who died. It is like any person we have loved who has died. Shutting the door means they never existed.
The Bible talks about having many parts in the family of God. One may be an ear. Another part may be a foot. Each part has an important role in the function of our body. Also the same goes on in the church. Each individual has a role within the body of Christ. One may be a prayer warrior, another may be a missionary and still another may write, talk, and reach out whatever.
As I write, I come up with another of my many questions. What is your role in the body of Christ? Is it time to begin this part of your faith journey?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet