July 31, 2010

Greetings My Friend,

My weddings vows come back to me again. “For better or for worse,” urrrrrr!!!! So I am married to my best friend in the whole world and today he is annoying me to no end. He has been short with me now for a couple of days. At first I thought he was tired, he has been working hard, some days not taking an afternoon nap. He needs his naps, his pain level tires him out, so he needs his naps. Today I hit the ceiling so to speak. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! Several people I talk with are short with me. LEAVE ME ALONE! I know I am annoying, really I am not trying to be but as people love to point out that I am annoying. LEAVE ME ALONE!

I take my shower and I shout my frustrations as loud as I can in the shower. I have gone over the edge so to speak. People don’t mind telling I am annoying and don’t seem to care that sometimes they annoy the day lights out of me. I need some peace here. I have my own struggles I am trying to work through. That does not seem to enter anyone’s mind either.

Father God, I need you! He seems to point me to my prayers. Again I learn “Father, help me to love those I find difficult to love.” Right now I feel a need to argue with our Lord. “Lord, I’ve been praying this prayer. It helps me. Lord I am not trying to be annoying and yet everyone around me is annoyed with me. This is HURTING!” Now our Father points me to the cross. This one hurts. I see our Lord Jesus bloodied, bruised and in pain. This hurts so very much. It seems that I need to realize that our Lord did suffer. He suffered for me, for all of us. He dealt with the pain of what others had done. He had done none of those things and yet He suffered much, for what we do to ourselves, to others. My heart begins to settle down. “OK, Lord.” I find myself going to the porch. It is sunny and warm. I see different views I love and try to take pictures. I feel the warmth and it feels nice. So now I ask, “How do I move on and out of this moment?”

One of the first things I do is writing, I’m writing my blog. Writing helps me move past things. As I write, I find my thoughts are starting to settle down. My husband has laid down for his nap. This helps too because he is tucked away some place and won’t do or say any annoying things for a while. That helps me to move forward. I begin to “let go.” I begin to focus on his good qualities. He has a generous heart which I adore. He is a hard worker I really appreciate that. He is creative and that means he goes about projects in a way that is “outside the box” which tests me greatly. I like to color inside the box. I like things done in an orderly fashion. That is my comfort level. I am married to someone who cannot do anything “inside the box!” I can allow myself to be continually irritated or I can learn to live with this man’s way of living. Slowly my heart is turning.

Then I think, “It’s not fair! I learn how to accept him and his ways, why can’t he accept me and the way I am?” Father God then reminds me of our Savior again, all bloodied, in pain. “Ok Father my heart says, I get it, sometimes I need to be the ‘whipping post’ for people. “ So I ask, “Lord help me move out of all of this anger.”

I look outside. The sun is shining. It is pretty green everywhere, I love green. I see a butterfly flit by. Slowly again I find peace settling into my being. Alex is curled up near me. He is always close to me. Sometimes he sits in my lap as I keyboard. That is a huge comfort. The quietness of the house fills me. I LOVE the quietness. There is peace in it for me. I sense my anger is leaving me again. This time I find I don’t need to argue with God. This time I feel ok with the world, even with the man I am married to.

He gets up from his nap. He is outside working again. I see him as he wanders by the window, the door and I am not upset. He has left me alone now for a good period of time. He hasn’t given me any more of his comments which help. Slowly I find a need to go out to “ooo and awe” over his latest project. He likes when I appreciate his work. Once more I am reminded that he may go about his work in a haphazard fashion. In the end we will have a pretty front yard, porch. He is very creative and it will be pretty of that I am sure. Getting there may be a challenge, when it is done, it will be so pretty.

It is time to go. We are going to a charity event. I need to get dressed. My heart is happy that we will leave and be friends. I hate going places when there is tension between us. The air has cleared and we are truly friends.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet