June 26, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
Today I am feeling grief. Missy our baby kitten we found on a porch down here died. Part of me is walling it off so I won’t feel the pain and part of me is remembering those precious moments we have shared. She loved curling up on my lap. When she first came to live with us she was so feisty. Alex our oldest cat was like that when he was little. He was into everything.
Missy has had us concerned for some time. She would lose weight. You could feel all her bones. She would choke when she ate. We kept taking her to the vet and he would give her antibiotics. She would perk up and then she was struggling again. This last time we felt she might overcome because we saw her playing like she used too. The vet said she had a virus, was probably born with it. He felt she should be able to overcome it.
As I sit here thinking, I also remember other times of grief, times where close family members died. Grief does that, it seems to bring back other moments. The hardest grief was when my nephew died. He was 12. It is so hard to lose a child, harder still when he goes to a school retreat weekend and never comes home. We had so much anger, all of us. For me I never wanted another family to experience that. I tried to go to the school and have better methods of watching out for the children implemented.
I was attending a church and our Minister committed suicide. Again that was hard. Our spiritual leader, a man many looked up to killed himself. As we waded through the events, our emotions, we learned that he had struggled as a young man. Our church was going through a period of change. He tried to do it all and became over whelmed and……
Ten months after my nephew died, Dad died. He had bladder cancer. It was hard to diagnose because of Dad’s polio. We as a family came together and Dad was able to stay home. We took turns helping Mom. Mom was still working so my sister-in-law came by during the day. My siblings and I took turns after work. Even my daughter took turns with Grandpa. Those last months with Dad were precious. We had talks. Dad was open to talking. We sat quietly. Dad helped us as much as we helped him. I was with Dad in his final moments. I was helping clean him up. He was in my arms and he died.
Next I remember Grandma. Grandma was my port in the storm. She was my comfort when life was out of control crazy. When my son was little, he was hyper, he had trouble hearing and I struggled trying to figure out all the intricacies of his problems. He was allergic to different foods. He had trouble seeing. As I tried to weed through his problems, Grandma was there. We drank tea and ate cheese curls in her kitchen. We talked. We went for walks – I get my love of walking from Grandma.
The day Grandma died was really the final unraveling of my first marriage. The three days of her wake were a night mare and at this point a blur. Suffice it to say that I struggled to get through each moment and feel safe. My tears were mainly fear for my life and not for her passing. At some point I realized that I had not really said “good-bye” to Grandma. She was gone. I was trying to learn how to be single. I was trying to live life at the most basic level.
Mom, hers was hard too. Mom, one of the care givers said one time, “it is hard to suffer the wrath of Gertrude.” When the end was inevitable Mom said, “Give me a pill and let me sleep till it’s over.” Mom did not give us a chance to say good-bye, to have our last words. She did not let us in on her final moments.
As I look back on grief, I find that I haven’t learned how to grieve. Part of me tries to not feel it. Part of me has spent time trying to cope with day to day life and grief was not a luxury I could give into. To be honest, there are times I feel relief and that makes me sad as well. With the passing I find relief, because I won’t have to “perform”, be perfect and of course there won’t be any more arguments. Again, I feel sad because I feel relief instead of sadness.
The hole is dug. Junior just picked her up and carried her ever so lovingly outside. I say good-bye and a few tears try to come. I sat here writing with her in front of me. I was frozen in place. Missy has loved me these last months when life was a jumble of emotions. She sat on my lap letting me pet her head, her body hurt to be petted. My heart again says good-bye and now I must get up and go into the day.
Thank you Missy for choosing us, for loving us and being the precious baby you were. We love you.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet