May 15, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
For the longest time I believed that the way I was at home did not mean anything. It mattered how I was out in “public.” I swore like a sailor at home and out in public, I would not swear very often. I could be angry at home, in public though, I tried hard not to let my anger out. The double life style was hard to keep up and I was depressed a whole lot.
As I entered into a faith journey with Jesus, I found myself wanting to be the “same,” at home and out in public. One of my first prayers was, “Lord, teach me to be the same inside the house and outside the house.” This prayer was such a help for me. I soon found that it DID matter that I was the same “every place.” When I was the same, I did not have to “remember” how to be, what to say etc. As I embraced this new way, I found peace, contentment and life was so much easier all around.
Another lesson I was learning was that people are always “watching.” I knew as a mother that setting the “example” was important to raising children. If I wanted them to do something, then I needed to be doing it myself. Children learn by example more than what my words may say.
I had a co-worker who started in my department right after I was divorced. She tells me often that she was watching me as I struggled. For me that was the time I was beginning my faith journey.
I had another co-worker in my area that was an angry woman. If I asked questions, she would begin be-rating me, screaming at me and throwing things on my desk. For me…I was a “victim” all over again. I felt paralyzed and handling my work load, my work day to be a huge struggle.
I started taking myself for a walk on my breaks and lunch hour. Walking has always been calming for me. In my first marriage, walking was a way to get a hold of myself when life was falling apart around me. I took my children for walks. At times they would open up and talk to me on a walk when I could not get them to talk at home.
This time though on my walks, I started praying. Some days I cried. I told God that I did not want to go back. I wanted to quit my job. God did not let me quit. He hugged me. I always felt stronger after my walks. I went back and faced my day. A few times I started to “fuss” back. I called this lady on the carpet so to speak.
My friend was on the other side of the wall of where I worked. She heard the confrontations. She’d see me in the hall, downstairs etc. She’d talk nice to me, encourage me and it helped me as well.
My friend watched all those years ago. She tells me often how she watched me. As I was preparing to retire she sent me an e-mail. This e-mail took me by surprise. I felt like crying as I read it. She was being abused by her boyfriend. She is a grandmother and I wanted to cry all the more. Her husband had died. That marriage was a challenge for her and now she was being abused.
I took her to Celebrate Recovery. This wonderful group of people with “hurts, habits and hang-ups,” took us in, loved us and we both found healing. We weren’t berated for staying in a bad situation. We were encouraged, loved when we fell down and a wonderful sense of community and peace grew within us.
“People are watching” keeps coming back to me. As I live life, someone is watching me. I don’t know “who” is watching though. Again, I find that it is important to be the same, at home, in public, even in the bathroom if you will. I can’t be a pervert in private and a sweet innocent thing in public. What is hidden in darkness will come out in the light.
I have a young person in my life who used to tell me that they slept on the couch when they stayed overnight at a friend of the opposite sex. This person wanted me to believe they were “good,” and not into sex. They wanted to do what seemed like fun. They wanted to be perceived as “wholesome” as well.
We all come up with “stories” that make us look good. How many parents have heard, “It wasn’t mine, I was holding it.” Then I’ve seen adult children who won’t smoke in front of their parents…because they know that their parents aren’t smokers. Same goes with drinking, drugs and even crazy fast driving. More often than not, people see “past” the stories. The only one fooled, is the one telling the story.
At this stage of my life, I want to live as if God is my God and Jesus is my Savior. I find that reading my Bible pretty much daily and daily prayer time helps me to know what God likes and to live a life that pleases Him. When I did not read and pray, I made God to be what I wanted Him to be. I also tend to take the Bible as it is written and try hard not to re-interpret it. I ask God to open my eyes and heart to Him and teach me as I read.
My question is….Who is watching you? Would you mind people knowing “who” you are at home, in the bathroom, at work?
May God Bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet