January 30, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
My thoughts are taking me to a “line drawn in the sand.” There have been points in my life where I felt the need to draw the line, to say enough…. That moment generally comes with a lot of thought. It is not one I like, yet I find that sometimes it needs to be done. I no longer want to “go on” the way that relationship or situation is going.
The most obvious one would be my divorce. My husband asked for the divorce, I had asked for it and he wanted to reconcile. We did and then he asked for the divorce. For me, I wanted off of the roller coaster. Our whole marriage was a constant roller coaster ride and I grew weary of it.
Since I drew the line in my divorce, I’ve had to draw that line again three times. Each time it has been painful. Still, continuing on in that relationship was going to be more painful and not really bring any peace. I felt that letting go was probably the best. In my younger years, I would have held on for dear life. With Jesus though, I have had the courage to “let go, Let God.”
We moved to Virginia because we were discouraged with Michigan allowing pre born to be experimented on and was to be aborted. We were really troubled by it. As we settle here though, I find that our move had several purposes. We did not know this as we moved; it came as we settled in.
Over and over I sense that I need to leave the struggles I had in Michigan…in Michigan. Virginia seems to be a call to a new life, a new beginning. Part of our being here is it is quiet. During the summer, the porch was where I did quiet. I felt God hugging me, being very tender with me. Another part of quiet for me is it gives me time to “think.” As I “think,” I tend to reflect and then these reflections come out in written form. I feel God has called me to write about my discoveries and share.
Some of what I share is deep and personal. Believe it or not, there are times I’d rather feel in private and not share. As I journey along with God though….I find I want people to come to know the God I love. Part of the God I love is the way he helps me face each and every day. I am able to get out of bed, face each day now. At one point….I could not. I remember when my children were little, I felt so hopeless. Only Grandma caught my despair. She told me over and over that I mattered and I needed to quit thinking “those” thoughts. Because she got honest with me and met me where I was most desperate, I never did anything rash. I felt her love and I moved on. At that point I did not have a personal walk with Jesus. I knew who He was, had no idea of how to connect.
As a young girl, a young woman, I wrote my life story in my heart. I was going to grow up, get married and have children. I wound up having a career…still my heart was on being a mother. Many people for years did not realize that I had a career. I talked about my children and husband first and foremost. As my children grew older, I pictured that I would be “grandma.” Life has not worked out that way.
God has been very kind to me. As I have let go of dreams….God has given me new dreams. After my divorce, I prayed. I asked God to allow me to be married again and to give me a healthy relationship. I wanted a man who took his faith seriously. God granted me that request. My marriage has been a very satisfying relationship. We have had moments to be sure. Junior’s retirement….curb side shopping….my retirement and a general falling apart have been struggles we needed to work through. Still, we love each other deeply. I believe God teaches us how to love each other and it is through prayer, Bible study that we find many of our answers.
Writing is another dream. That one started out early in life. I’ve started and stopped a couple of times, this time I am seeing it through. I enjoy when I can put words down and I truly love giving God the accolades. I find joy in writing. I am grateful that I can have the quiet time to be reflective and share what I find.
I was able to retire young….I loved it. I retired at 54. When I married Junior I wanted to be retired with him. God has allowed me to be retired with Junior. God pointed us to a great Financial Planner. He helped make retirement a reality and we listened to him. To be sure, we are now on a fixed income, still we are doing ok. Another part of our move is that it is very cheap to live here where we are at. We can continue to live fairly comfortably, not extravagantly but comfortable.
So the “line in the sand,” was hard to do. I wish I did not have to make it. I look to a day where there will be a reconciling peace. That would be awesome. For now though, I look to God to lead me, guide me and direct me….well I want that forever at this point.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet