November 21, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

My thoughts are taking me back to some struggles I’ve had in my life. One of the reasons that I find jury duty hard is that both sides sound really good once you hear them. Proverbs 18:17 “The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.”

I have a tendency to believe people and have a hard time discerning when I am being handed a line. When I am accused – I tend to want to believe the accusation. Later after the quarrel I begin to question the accusation. I begin to see other sides and then I am questioning the accusation.

In my faith journey with the Lord, I find that I want to please Him. I am finding that being right just to win an argument is not satisfying. I want to be a peace maker, but I also don’t want to be a doormat for someone to trample on either.

I used to have the false belief, if someone hits me, then I must turn the other cheek. As I went through counseling, I found that God isn’t asking me to roll over and let people stomp on me either. Again, I have a hard time reconciling when to back off, back away and when to stand my ground.

In my heart, I would be ever so happy if I could walk through life with no disagreements, hard feelings etc. Real life isn’t that simple, so I attempt to learn how to love and to disagree.

If I am pushed into a corner - I have a tendency to come out fighting. I get to a point where I don’t care and I will fight. I would rather not, but push comes to shove – well the fighter in me will come out.

As I try to reconcile my past I try to learn how to fight. I have gone through years and years of counseling. I wanted to change the parts of me that hurt and also that had a need to win.

My sister, some days I marvel at her, her wisdom. For most of my life – I found her to be “strange.” We have lived very different lives. We have walked very different paths. As I went through my divorce, she came alongside of me. To be honest, I was leery at first. She continued to reach out to me. I began to reach out to her. As we came to love each other, we found that we had put our trust in Jesus. I am able to love her in a way I had never been able to love before.

Being from the North – well, I am prickly to the Southern people. Again, I try hard not to be over bearing. I am praying fervently, for God to show me how Not to be so…..rough, overbearing and have strong points of view. (The type that offends that is.)

As I think this out, I find that I am also what God created me to be – we are not all a cookie cutter mold of perfection. If God wanted robots – he would have created us to be exactly the same. God made prickly pears and warm fuzzies. My personality is ok and God continues to teach me to be what He is creating me to be for His purpose. So I go forward trying to grow, trying to love – sometimes differently than others.

I have one more thought…..this one involves my husband. When we went to Wales last year, I marveled at my man. Junior can be a tough guy. With me, he is gentle, but anyone who meets him soon learns that he has an opinion AND he is not afraid to share it. When we were in Wales, Junior was able to talk to the roughest people. He met them where they were at and he was able to “speak” their way. He gave the love of Jesus to people I cannot begin to reach. If we were all to be soft and cuddly then there would be whole segments of people that would not “hear” of Jesus’ love.

I guess my “strong” personality does have a place, learning how to use it for God’s glory….well I continue to learn and grow…..

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet