November 14, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

As I write this, I’ve had a hard week. My son responded to a blog, with anger, bitterness and I have had to call friends, see my Minister to work through the hurt on his part, on my part.

As I come out of the fog of hurt I find again God speaking to me about forgiveness. This is probably the first lesson I learned in my faith journey. I continue to have to relearn it, each time it does get easier, quicker and over and over I find a freedom in it.

As I went through Divorce Recovery, I had to learn to forgive my spouse. It was a hard journey to forgive him. I also had to learn to forgive myself. I had what I call a February cry. I had a night after our divorce was final where I could not stop crying. The divorce was final in January. The reality hit me in February, thus the cry. As I saw the years of dysfunction pass before me, I saw our children and the junk they grew up in. My heart broke for them. My heart broke for me as well; I tolerated stuff I should not have. I also contributed to the dysfunction…..I stayed….I yelled….I threw things…..I clawed and I scratched my ex-husband as well. Our home was not a very loving, gentle home. I was so sad.

I was living with my Mother at the time. Mom was not good at “feelings” so she called our Minister and had him talk to me. As I relayed all the depth of my emotions to our Minister, he consoled me. My main topic was my children. I grieved so hard for them and the junk they lived through. My minister taught me that night to change my life right then and there. He taught me that as I “grew in the Lord” that I would give my children a valuable lesson. I could not go “back” and make things right, so I needed to become whole and in my wholeness, my children would have the ability to grow themselves.

I also attended a workshop on anger. I learned in this workshop that children, who grew up in abuse, often blamed their mother. They are angry that she stayed, did not get them out of all that JUNK! As I have talked with friends who have been divorced, I have found that the children also tend to want to be near the parent that was hardest on them.

With that information, I have tried to “let go, let God.” I went through counseling for several years. I continued to take relationship classes – to learn how not to live in dysfunction. In the process, I have been able to move out of despair.

To me the biggest help has been my faith journey with Jesus. I have learned how to pray and there are days I go to God and say, “I’m hurting Real Bad!” The more I read my Bible; I find times where I feel God placing a particular Scripture on my heart. Sometimes he tells me go sit on the porch….then he brings nature to me and for some reason I begin to feel comforted. As we went through the move process and that unsettled feeling hit, God gave me my girlfriends. I would call and they were available. As a woman, talking things out will help me move forward.

I began my faith journey with my divorce. I went to church before my divorce, but I have to admit that I did not understand talking to Jesus as if He were my best friend. Junior has insisted that Jesus be my best friend before him. I thought that was weird. I am grateful that Junior insisted that Jesus become my best friend because Jesus will Never let me down. I believe that my life, my marriage is where it is at is because Jesus is # 1 before anything else. Do we fall down and put things before Jesus – yes! Still, we try to listen to the Holy Spirit and change accordingly.

I don’t live with the intense sadness I had after my divorce. I find I can get up and face the day when I know that I am never alone, that I am loved and wanted. I do have people in my life who love me – God gives me people to love me AND He gives people to me that want my love.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet