November 28, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

Thanksgiving was this week. I keep thinking about being “thankful.” Being thankful has been one of those things that have helped me a whole lot. I must admit as I began my faith journey there were times that I questioned what I was learning, later though, I found that what God was teaching me was so very foundational to my well being.

As I go through my prayers pretty much each day, I find that I include saying “thank you” to God to be an important part of my prayers. Saying “thank you,” helps me to see what I do have, not focus so much on what I don’t and to begin to trust God when life feels like a roller coaster.

I have felt that a good portion of my life was lived on a roller coaster ride. The older I got, the more I wanted off that roller coaster. As I learned to see what I truly did have, I have found that I did not need to get as emotional about what was going on.

My “thank you” taught me that God has never let me be homeless. It took me a long time to quit fearing that I would be homeless. As I thanked God for the home I had, that He was part of my home and for the provisions, I began to see that God is truly watching out for me.

I also thank God for my husband. I thank God each day for my husband. I also ask Him to teach me to be the wife my husband needs. I thank God for the gift of writing and then each day I ask that God would “write” what He wants me to say.

I thank God for my friends. I thank God that I was able to be a mother. I thank God for my children and grandchildren. As I find myself thankful, I find I also am prayerful for them too. I thank God for the church family I have been placed with and I also pray for that church. I also pray for our friends, for our families. I thank God for our neighbors, past and present and I also lift them up in prayer.

When I worked, I thanked God for my job, for my co-workers and I prayed for them as well. I still pray for my coworkers. It seems like whatever I find myself thankful for I also find a need to pray for that as well.

As I have been thankful, as I have prayed for, I also find that I can let go of fear, of anger and resentment too. As I let go….I find peace. In that peace, I find I can move on with life, the good and bad parts.

Sometimes, I get stuck. Sometimes, I need extra help. God will provide. He always does. It may mean He will point me to call a friend. It may mean I need to talk to a professional. As I keep giving my heart to God, I find that I am able to move forward. I am so thankful that I have found Jesus….He has been the healer in my heart.

As I come to a close…..I would like to ask you…..What are you thankful for. Is it time to begin your thankful journey?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

November 21, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

My thoughts are taking me back to some struggles I’ve had in my life. One of the reasons that I find jury duty hard is that both sides sound really good once you hear them. Proverbs 18:17 “The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.”

I have a tendency to believe people and have a hard time discerning when I am being handed a line. When I am accused – I tend to want to believe the accusation. Later after the quarrel I begin to question the accusation. I begin to see other sides and then I am questioning the accusation.

In my faith journey with the Lord, I find that I want to please Him. I am finding that being right just to win an argument is not satisfying. I want to be a peace maker, but I also don’t want to be a doormat for someone to trample on either.

I used to have the false belief, if someone hits me, then I must turn the other cheek. As I went through counseling, I found that God isn’t asking me to roll over and let people stomp on me either. Again, I have a hard time reconciling when to back off, back away and when to stand my ground.

In my heart, I would be ever so happy if I could walk through life with no disagreements, hard feelings etc. Real life isn’t that simple, so I attempt to learn how to love and to disagree.

If I am pushed into a corner - I have a tendency to come out fighting. I get to a point where I don’t care and I will fight. I would rather not, but push comes to shove – well the fighter in me will come out.

As I try to reconcile my past I try to learn how to fight. I have gone through years and years of counseling. I wanted to change the parts of me that hurt and also that had a need to win.

My sister, some days I marvel at her, her wisdom. For most of my life – I found her to be “strange.” We have lived very different lives. We have walked very different paths. As I went through my divorce, she came alongside of me. To be honest, I was leery at first. She continued to reach out to me. I began to reach out to her. As we came to love each other, we found that we had put our trust in Jesus. I am able to love her in a way I had never been able to love before.

Being from the North – well, I am prickly to the Southern people. Again, I try hard not to be over bearing. I am praying fervently, for God to show me how Not to be so…..rough, overbearing and have strong points of view. (The type that offends that is.)

As I think this out, I find that I am also what God created me to be – we are not all a cookie cutter mold of perfection. If God wanted robots – he would have created us to be exactly the same. God made prickly pears and warm fuzzies. My personality is ok and God continues to teach me to be what He is creating me to be for His purpose. So I go forward trying to grow, trying to love – sometimes differently than others.

I have one more thought…..this one involves my husband. When we went to Wales last year, I marveled at my man. Junior can be a tough guy. With me, he is gentle, but anyone who meets him soon learns that he has an opinion AND he is not afraid to share it. When we were in Wales, Junior was able to talk to the roughest people. He met them where they were at and he was able to “speak” their way. He gave the love of Jesus to people I cannot begin to reach. If we were all to be soft and cuddly then there would be whole segments of people that would not “hear” of Jesus’ love.

I guess my “strong” personality does have a place, learning how to use it for God’s glory….well I continue to learn and grow…..

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

November 14, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

As I write this, I’ve had a hard week. My son responded to a blog, with anger, bitterness and I have had to call friends, see my Minister to work through the hurt on his part, on my part.

As I come out of the fog of hurt I find again God speaking to me about forgiveness. This is probably the first lesson I learned in my faith journey. I continue to have to relearn it, each time it does get easier, quicker and over and over I find a freedom in it.

As I went through Divorce Recovery, I had to learn to forgive my spouse. It was a hard journey to forgive him. I also had to learn to forgive myself. I had what I call a February cry. I had a night after our divorce was final where I could not stop crying. The divorce was final in January. The reality hit me in February, thus the cry. As I saw the years of dysfunction pass before me, I saw our children and the junk they grew up in. My heart broke for them. My heart broke for me as well; I tolerated stuff I should not have. I also contributed to the dysfunction…..I stayed….I yelled….I threw things…..I clawed and I scratched my ex-husband as well. Our home was not a very loving, gentle home. I was so sad.

I was living with my Mother at the time. Mom was not good at “feelings” so she called our Minister and had him talk to me. As I relayed all the depth of my emotions to our Minister, he consoled me. My main topic was my children. I grieved so hard for them and the junk they lived through. My minister taught me that night to change my life right then and there. He taught me that as I “grew in the Lord” that I would give my children a valuable lesson. I could not go “back” and make things right, so I needed to become whole and in my wholeness, my children would have the ability to grow themselves.

I also attended a workshop on anger. I learned in this workshop that children, who grew up in abuse, often blamed their mother. They are angry that she stayed, did not get them out of all that JUNK! As I have talked with friends who have been divorced, I have found that the children also tend to want to be near the parent that was hardest on them.

With that information, I have tried to “let go, let God.” I went through counseling for several years. I continued to take relationship classes – to learn how not to live in dysfunction. In the process, I have been able to move out of despair.

To me the biggest help has been my faith journey with Jesus. I have learned how to pray and there are days I go to God and say, “I’m hurting Real Bad!” The more I read my Bible; I find times where I feel God placing a particular Scripture on my heart. Sometimes he tells me go sit on the porch….then he brings nature to me and for some reason I begin to feel comforted. As we went through the move process and that unsettled feeling hit, God gave me my girlfriends. I would call and they were available. As a woman, talking things out will help me move forward.

I began my faith journey with my divorce. I went to church before my divorce, but I have to admit that I did not understand talking to Jesus as if He were my best friend. Junior has insisted that Jesus be my best friend before him. I thought that was weird. I am grateful that Junior insisted that Jesus become my best friend because Jesus will Never let me down. I believe that my life, my marriage is where it is at is because Jesus is # 1 before anything else. Do we fall down and put things before Jesus – yes! Still, we try to listen to the Holy Spirit and change accordingly.

I don’t live with the intense sadness I had after my divorce. I find I can get up and face the day when I know that I am never alone, that I am loved and wanted. I do have people in my life who love me – God gives me people to love me AND He gives people to me that want my love.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

November 7, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

Our house – for the most part is in order. It is not the same “look” we had in Redford. I thought I would take you on a tour…. Our bedroom is to the right off the front door. That still needs some loving care. We have a picture of a garden above the bed. There is a beautiful wardrobe of Emma’s in the corner. There is one closet – no door – which is okay since I tend to not shut the door anyway… On the far wall are three dressers – two stacked on top of one. Next to these dressers is another wardrobe. Our Landlord did not want us to remove the dressers so this worked for us. They are the extra storage space we need since we only have one closet in the whole house.

The front room is right off the front door. Our leather couch sits directly across from the front door. Above the couch is a mirror – we hung. The mirror is a flat mirror with no frame. Junior has lovingly hung a collage of crosses from it and it is beautiful. There are some large crosses hung to the side – like framing the mirror and a picture a friend of ours drew as a frame too. On the wall next to the couch, a short wall is a mirror with our Mom’s pictures hanging from that. Over the door way is a cross with a plaque that reads,” Christ is the Head of this home”; next to the door on the other side of the short wall, the wall has another mirror with a picture of Jesus on it and a large wooden cross that Junior made. On the cross are pieces of paper nailed to it. When I have a struggle, I will nail my struggle to the cross. The corner has a corner curio cabinet in it – we have pictures of family inside that. The next wall near the curio cabinet has a table for plants and next is a desk – yellow with flowers. The next corner has Junior’s recliner and he is able to look out the window. The last wall has my glider rocker – above that is a picture of the Ten Commandments with a gold cross above it. Oh, the cat tower is on the window. The curtains are sheers with red flowers embroidered in them. The crosses – help us to remember – we are owned by Jesus now. They remind us that we have chosen another type of life – a life in Christ – this helps us stay on that path.

Next is the family room – right off of the front room. The room has a masculine décor to it. The TV and a long dresser are on the first wall as you walk in. A picture of a church in winter hangs above the TV. Next is Junior’s metal file cabinet. The door to the bathroom is next and on the other side is Mom and Dad’s hutch. Junior’s hats line the top shelf. Books and pictures line the shelves – Grandma’s big Bible is on the bottom shelf.

Across from the hutch is our futon – green with a quilt on the back. In front of the futon is an end table – coffee table effect. Next to the couch on the other side is an end table and next to it is the white hutch from the basement in Redford. The top shelf has pink, green and blue baskets lining it – filled with drawer type of stuff for my desk. Next to that is my desk – the one Junior made. A book shelf is across from my desk and on the other side of the kitchen door. The book case has a feminine touch to it. Girl things are in the center and books are on the sides. The top has a picture of tea cups and flowers and a cross. A paper chain that my niece made me is draped on it as well. A mask my niece made me hangs in the archway of the door. Below that is a picture of a garden table with flowers on it. Junior’s world map clock and world maps are above my desk. The windows have the same sheer curtains as the front room. Junior’s ability to think outside the box shows in the decorations and the way we decorate. I’ve come to love his flair.

The next room is our kitchen. It is an old fashioned kitchen. There are Lots of cupboards and countertops. A butcher block unit is in the middle – like an island. In one corner is a corner cabinet built with the house. The table has ceramic tiles inlaid in it.

The bathroom is cute too. It has a washer and dryer in it – first floor – so very nice, our first time ever. We have a white tri fold mirror and a white over the toilet cabinet – from our basement in Redford.

The front room, family room and bathroom each have a pretty area rug with bright colors to offset all the dark paneling and dark carpeting in each room.

We have a wrap- around porch which feels like another room at times. Off the kitchen is another porch which over- looks the river.

Our home feels comfortable – small but comfortable. God has blessed us with a beautiful dream. The woods around us are peaceful, beautiful and is a dream come true. The river is constantly roaring – still it is peaceful. We see wild life, feel peace out here. We have neighbors close – yet far enough away to not be on top of each other. The train comes through throughout the day and night – there is calmness even with that.

It is here that I am finding healing for the deep hurts in life. It is here where I can go to the porch and visit with God. It is here where I write and contemplate.

This dream started after the elections last year. Michigan decided it was ok to experiment on the unborn to be aborted. This really bothered us and we did not want to be part of a state that sanctioned this. This has had its challenges of coming to fruitarian – now though – we live our dream.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet