September 5, 20 009

Greetings My Friend,

I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions. Moves tend to lend themselves to that feeling. Moving to a new state has heightened my emotions too. Gone are all my old standards and here are all new ways.

Again, I struggled with my children not wanting me. This time I saw in my mind’s eye some new things. Because my childhood family was so small and I did not know a lot of the relatives, I was related too – I found comfort in family objects. As I placed these objects in my home, I found a sense of continuity. I had a sense of belonging, a sense of “family.”

I have an antique traveling trunk. It was Grandpa’s first wife’s trunk. She died leaving Grandpa with a “retarded” child (my guess is she was Down’s syndrome – although I don’t know what her diagnosis would be in today’s terms). I have a gate leg table – it was Grandma’s and Grandpa’s, they bought it used in 1928 for $5.00. I have a wall of pictures – Grandma as a little girl with her Dad and siblings – her mother died when she was 7, there is a picture of her parents, and a picture of Grandpa’s parents. Mom and Dad bought a hutch – a cheap hutch when they were getting back on their feet after polio. Each time I look at the hutch, I remember and I find I treasure even this piece of furniture. These objects have been a part of my home for years and years. When I walk by them, I feel like I have “family”, roots.

I also remembered some other moments. I remembered how my ex-husband would tell my children that they were Polish and French – he discounted my heritage – German, Irish and English. I also remembered that there were times I wanted to run from my family. I wanted to NOT be like my parents. I did not want to be angry like Dad. I did not want to be like Mom either – she was always mad. I remembered that until I went into counseling the only feeling word I knew was, “That made me mad.” Counseling taught me that I could be sad, mad, glad etc.

We have way too much furniture for the house in Haysi. As I started to think about what I wanted to keep, I had a desire to give some of my pieces of “history” to my children. At that point the blue funk hit. I found myself telling God. I found myself near tears, only they would not come out. I also “heard” God tell me to not store up treasures on earth. Still the funk was not lifting. I prayed, I struggled and the funk was not leaving.

We had gone back to Michigan. I went to Celebrate Recovery. Boy was I glad to be with “friends.” It felt good to be with the familiar again. I talked about my intense sadness. Usually my mood will lift with a telling, a talking it out loud. It did not go away this time. I went home, prayed again and went to sleep. I woke up and tried to stay in bed. At one point I realized if I did not do something “soon” I was headed for a deep depression. I called the church – the minister’s were at lunch. Then I called an old friend – She has known the sting of a child not wanting to be in her life. I found myself coming out of my funk. My Celebrate Recovery Leader called me. We talked – she understood my struggle – she has walked the road I’ve been on. I talked to another friend from where I used to work. That did the trick, I found myself perking up again.

God placed these women in my path at a time I truly needed them. I always marvel at God’s provision. I needed to talk and to retell my struggle more than one time. God gave me that opportunity.

As I came out of my funk, I began to come up with ideas on how to deal with the “family” treasures. I will ask the nieces if they want some. If not, then I can always donate these pieces, someone will treasure them. I may even write up a “bio” and tape it to the item so the story can be passed on.

I also began to appreciate God telling me not to store up treasures on earth. Lately, I find myself longing for heaven. I don’t have a death wish, still, heaven sounds more and more inviting as the years go on. I ponder when the end will truly come and eternity will begin. In heaven there will be no tears, no sickness, and no death. Wow! I can deal with that thought. I also don’t worry about being bored. I believe in my heart that we will have work to do and it will be rewarding.

So, I get up, face the day. Again I am grateful for Jesus. I have something to live for and that makes life so much sweeter.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet