September 19, 2009
Greetings My Friend,
The move is done. I was talking to a friend on the phone. This friend loves me and has helped me face life through the years. Friends have been concerned about me this past year and have tried to lovingly get me on track. I am grateful for this love.
The sense of failure has been wandering around my brain. To me success was a fancy career, adult children who revered you, a nicer than nice home in a nicer than nice community and an ability to travel. To be honest, I had not felt like I had arrived anywhere at all. My kids don’t like me. That to me means, I did a poor job raising them. Even though there were two of us – I guess I was willing to take the full blame. I had a decent career – not fancy. Actually, I chose to not work a lot of overtime because I wanted to be home with the kids, take Grandma shopping on Saturdays and stuff like that. I took the kids to their activities and at the time felt like I was connecting with them. I tried to attend their functions as much as I could.
I became a grandparent. I loved it. Two of the three grandchildren often spent a night at our house. We had tea parties. We let Andrew dig for buried treasure in our backyard. We read a children’s Bible to them at night. We prayed with them. We loved them. When we were going to move, I asked if the kids could come down for a week – no. That sense of failure struck me again.
With the move to Virginia, I am allowing myself to “let go.” We have a little house. The wonderful scenery is so freeing, relaxing etc. The pace out here is slower. People aren’t as quick to judge us. That feels wonderful. Emma, I fell in love with her – rather quickly for me. There are little ones around here – I sense that my grandmother need will find an outlet.
My friend shared how much she respected me. She feels that I have done a lot with my life. That surprised me. She has a “career”. She lives in a VERY nice house in a Very nice neighborhood. So, I was surprised when she told me that she respects me and finds that I have overcome a lot. I felt that she was “looking up” to me. That felt weird but wonderful at the same time.
God again amazed me. He knows me. He knew I needed a boost – some help. My friend was home when I called. We talked an hour and a half. Like the “old” days. I found myself wanting to cry tears of relief, joy. This is a woman, I love, I cherish and I found out again that she truly loves me – all of me – the parts that sometimes struggles with her identity. This woman saw my struggle many months ago. She pulled Junior aside and told him so. He has taken her advice and tried to bring me out of the struggles I have had this past year.
Again I marvel at God’s provision. He knew I needed help. He kept placing people in my path to help me along the way. I also sense God saying to me, “Janet, you are precious.” That feels good too. If my kids don’t like me – that’s their choice. I can’t do anything about that. Junior and I have enough money to do what we want – that’s great too. So if no one is impressed – really that’s okay. We can pay our bills. We can travel. That is a lot. Again I find myself grateful for Emma. She is a blessing. I’ve met Debbie and her two boys. I’ve met Lisa and her little one. I feel like I can fit in with these women. We have a church that is welcoming us – a huge blessing. My sister loves on me, her girls love on me – and once more I sense that I truly am precious.
My sister has been trying to help me get past this hurt. The nieces too and my friend was able to put into words, what I needed to hear. Again, I marvel at God. He gives me people to love, to be loved by. He truly knows what I need. So, I face the day because God first loved me – ME even when I feel unlovable. He tells me again that I am a loveable person. That feels great.
I am not a failure – that one I find truly amazing. I am precious – that feels good too. I am able to go forward and face yet another day. Praise the Lord.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
7 comments:
how about no apolages just the truth you choose this life i alwys welcomed you this is about poor janet no one else the last time you watched my kids you told me you dropped a gun at the shouting range when asked where the gun was you said i dont know mean while andre was taking a sword off the wall wen all this started to upset me jr came in to tell me he new where your gun was and took the swoard down poor you i said no to the kids going for aweek its not safe meanwile no jobs her for jeanette and im cut to 32 hours and 4dollers an hour less but poor you im 2 months behind on my morgege 2 car payments and im listing too you wine you tou you no help watching the kids when i needed it nothing day over you cant change history now my sister is helping jeanette to work at cacker barrel jeanette is taking madison too school on mondays so michelle can student teach and im picking the kids up frome school thank god for familie dad pyed for my fall class i fix his car but o i forgot poor you reterments hard your taking too maney naps poor you what im i supposed to say im sorry your sorry every things good lets take a vaction too see you get real your mom wasent as bad as you make her sound and your the one who walked out of your childern/grandchilderns life you were hear 12 times and didnt call or stop by your fault my kids love me and it will stay that way our world might crumble but we will servive ps ashley pitched her team into 3rd place out of 17 downriver jeanette couched fidelty can have my house but they cant take that
I guess one of my biggest pet peeves is when people can't let the past go. It breaks my heart that people only remember the bad in others. I just don't understand how cruel people can be to their parents. My parents weren't the best, but for the times they lived in they lived, and disciplined the only way they knew. Unfortunately, I lived the wrath of Gert and Shorty, all the beatings, etc. I have learned that as time goes on and we get older, that we all change. I wasn't around my parents much as an adult, but I do know that time changed them as well.
To Mike, all I have to say is shame on you. You should NEVER talk to your mother that way. You need to learn that ALL creatures are made new in Christ, as your mother has been made new. Yes, she is goofy and very forgetful. So what. What happened in the past needs to stay there. Someday I hope you and Michelle can forgive her for whatever she has done. You both need to realize that in your so called crappy upbringing, your father was just as much a part of it. I'm sorry St. Leo isn't much of a saint. Get off your pedestal. For far too many years you and Michelle have treated your mom like crap. Shame, shame and more shame on you.
Mike – Thanks be to God – you have responded. I have been waiting for one of you to respond. I remember all the fun times we shared and my heart breaks when I think of you and any members of the family hurting. I still love you all. I smile when I think of your silly, mischievous grin. I moan from loss when I think of Michele hugging, snuggling up to me. I hurt when I think how lonely Leo may feel at times. I have remained in contact with your Mom. She needed me, reached out and grasped unto me during those changing times. It feels good to be needed and rewarding if you think that you are helping someone. Ask Leo, he is always helping someone out. I come from a broken home too. I am a product of all my life experiences which include hurt, anger, disappointment and shame. My faults show that I wasn’t able to conquer or control all my negative traits, but I learned one very important thing that has served me well over the years. At a very young age I learned to dissect people’s actions and seek the answer hidden beneath. Your response to your mother’s blog was angry, painfully so. If you have been reading your mother’s blog, and you get beyond the personal attacks you feel, you will see that your mother is searching for whom she is and how can she improve. She is writing the blog about herself, which is why it is very easy to interpret that life, is all about her. The messages are written intentionally so. It is her diary, through her eyes. Everyone knows that there are two sides to every story, which you refer to as the Truth. Her messages are not about defining the accuracy of the journey, they are about sharing her inner being, her soul; broken, weak, climbing upward towards Jesus. Within the messages, if you read between the lines, she loves you and Michelle so much that in order to stop hurting she is trying to resolve that it is not in her power to control someone else. There is not a day that goes by that she does not include you in her prayers. There is not a moment that goes by that she questions what she did wrong. She spends countless hours conversing in pen and spoken word asking questions that the only answers lie within yours and Michelle’s heart. You mentioned that she visited MI 12 times. I can tell you with each visit she became more depressed. I knew the depression stem from the fact that she was afraid to reach out and be hurt again. The trouble is, you are hurting just as much and you interpret her actions as rejections, thus closing the door even more. I spent many years watching you grow into an adult. I am so proud of you maintaining a job, a house, a family. Whether you realize it or not, you learned your values from your parents, the good, the bad and the ugly. No matter how dysfunctional you think your parents may have been, I also witnessed love within that family unit: the same love that you are now sharing with your beautiful family. I have now reached the point of tears. I am scared because I don’t know if the outcome of my words will caused more harm, but I pray that my love for you and Michelle will shine through. I don’t know who, if anyone will take that first step to open the door. The three of you, Mom, Michelle and you are in different emotional states but sharing a common thread– nobody wants to hurt more then they are and blaming someone, something for where they are at. Pride is displacing humility. You may be feeling that you’ve tried to open the door, only to be met with obstacles. With any relationship, it takes work and accepting the person for whom they are – flaws and all. I lived my life by believing that within every soul on this Earth, there is goodness. If you focus on the goodness, it starts to outshine the negatives.
I offer your anger to my Jesus on the Cross. He is our teacher of unconditional love. You are absolutely right when you said you can't change history, but with each breath, you are making it.
Marilyn
What beautiful words and how true they are. My heart breaks for Janet every time she goes through one of these spells. Unfortunately, the only way I've been able to help is through harsh words. I know that one day my Jesus will help me to help her with kinder words. Until then, she has you, and what a good friend you are.
I agree, the problems with Mike and Michelle go much deeper than just this incident. Janet had come a long way, but again, you are right, the depression got worse with each trip to MI. She was just at a loss as to how to handle the whole situation. I would have done it the same way, not wanting to be rejected again.
Thank you for being such a good friend to Janet...she needs your kind of love.
May God bless you.......
Mike,
I am ashamed at the way you talked to your mother, I understand your hurt as I have been there myself but to think that you could hold that much anger for something that is in the past. WOW that just shocks me. Shame on you. Shame shame and shame Just like my mom said You know your doing this is teaching your children { who your mom wants to desperately see and talk to more, trust me I know she talks all the time about it }
Well this is just teaching them that its okay to do it just like you learned.
Next, I know that you are hurting but so is your mom. She is trying her best in every way she can to cope hoping that you guys will come around.
Im sorry about the finicial situtation but sometimes theres not much to give.
There are others out there who have a whole lot less. Believe me go look in Detroit. People without cars or living in the alleys using a grocery cart to store their belongings. Some don't even have that. Just a bag of clothes and a blanket. You need to remember that in these times family should the ones that you are thankul for. Also each day is a new beginning. Why not apologize for the way you are treating her, after all the phone system works both ways.
I know you and Michelle are hurting but have you thought about how your mom is to. I mean shes goofy at times but we all have our quirks. Some good some bad. It all washes out in the end. Be thankful for what you have and let the rest go.
Your mom isn't always going to be there you know. And one day you are really going to be sorry for the way you are treating her. I not only think you need some counseling but so does Michelle and your mom.
I love you Mike and I hope I didn't do anymore harm than what is already done. And again as M said this is your mothers diary. If you want a diary why not start one that you can make about you.
Shame on you people for judging Mike. You only know one side of the story and unfortunately it is a warped version of the truth. Mike is a wonderful and loving person who is repectful to people who deserves and earned it. And just for your information we are raising our childern to be kind, compassionate individuals who can make up their own minds and their own judgement calls. All they know is one day they were told that Gigi and papa are moving and they never saw the again not even a visit or a phone call since. Andrew is always asking us how come he doesn't get mail anymore. One birthday check that was super belated does not make up for the lack of letters before that. He wants to see them. All the issues that Mike has with Janet are current not from the past, god knows that would be excuse enough for him to be angry. If he was holding that against her, then he would have to hold that agianst leo too. but his relationship with leo is great because they both work on it. His relationship with Janet is because of the way she behaves now, not then. I have no problem with Janet keeping a diary. You are right it is theraputic. The problem is she is doing it online for all to see. A diary is ment to be kept private in a book stuffed under your mattress, where it will hurt no one. That way if the authors view is more fiction then reality no harm no fowl.............So i am only going to say this once do not judge my husband based off of someones warp view, that is sinful, how dare you judge him.......As for you Janet DO NOT mention my family in your blog any more and that includes Michelle, leo and maddie. You are slandering their good names. I am sorry this has to be said online but you created this problem by blogging, maybe you should just keep a diary the old fashion way and stop talking about people behind their backs, if you have something to say to any of us say it to our face or on the phone ,not in a blog
Wow...lots of hurt feelings here. I'm definitely not posting to take sides and my goal is not to involve myself in the drama.
I only want to offer three simple words of advice to everyone: Life is short. Find out what matters most to you, and let the rest go. You never know when your time (or someone else's) will be up.
Love you all. :)
Post a Comment