September 26, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

Thoughts at large:

I went to the DMV to register to vote. When I walked in…I saw behind the desk a lady I go to Sunday school with. A familiar, friendly face – that felt good. We talked like friends – that felt real nice. Another day – I went to the grocery store– I met another lady from my Sunday school class and we talked for a few minutes. Again I felt REAL good. Later we went to the park in our area to get a pass AND I met a lady from our neighborhood. She had stopped me on one of my walks and asked to walk with me. Now I feel like I HAVE ARRIVED!

Junior is back too. Boy I have loved getting Junior back. I went to give him a letter while he was in his favorite chair. He grabbed me and pulled me to him. That felt good. While driving around…our humor was playing itself out. I loved it. We were bantering back and forth – something we haven’t done in a while.

The front room has taken shape – maybe not the final look, still it has a shape to it. That feels good. We put up the hutch and I am so tickled. It looks nice, and as with most of our furniture it serves more than one purpose now. It will hold books, and things in the drawers. The white cabinet that was in the basement in Redford when we moved in came south with us. I have it on the wall near my desk. I have pretty colored baskets on the top shelf and am using them like a desk drawer. I have pens and pencils in one; little scissors in another and each one has its basket filled with drawer type stuff. It is colorful and functional. I have found some boxes and folders so I can file my papers as well – all very colorful. I like color. We brought the tri fold mirror from our basement in Redford and hung it up in the bathroom. We also brought the over the toilet cabinet from the basement. Both are white and they brighten the bathroom up very nicely.

Lesson I should have known and had to learn again: Don’t drag the plastic trash bag on gravel – IT WILL BREAK and it DID! Boy that was a mess to clean up! I wound up taking a nap when I got done!

Slowly our porch is getting emptied. We will have a yard sale soon. A great way to meet our neighbors and hopefully our excess stuff will find a home.

Junior again his humor is back. We have the white U-Haul truck we bought. He found some spray paint and has started to color the box. There are two stick figures – a man and a woman - painted on one side. He makes me laugh more often again.

Another lesson learned: ticks and such live out here. If we let the cats out to wander while we work – we should probably rub them down with flee powder. My legs look a lot better once we did that and sprinkled it on the floor.

I am starting my day off with a cup of coffee – real coffee! I love it. The caffeine helps with the neck pain. I am learning to pour a cup, go sit – usually on the porch and drink it and drink in the view. I wake up slowly, peacefully – wonderfully. Now after the coffee – I am a challenge – I love to talk and talk and talk and talk. Junior is used to me. My sister doesn’t know how to deal with the hyper Janet. So it goes.

Again I think of the Michigan – Ohio line. Again I find that I have let go of stuff. Does it hurt? Yes, but that state line helps me keep the Michigan stuff in Michigan. My sister and Junior have been patient while I have grieved, let go and now I move on.

Our new life has begun. I am excited. Soon, I will begin writing my book – a little off schedule – not bad though. Michigan I have loved you – Virginia I am now your child. Let’s see where life will take me/us. Prayerfully, I hope that we continue to grow in the Lord and find His will for me, for us.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon youl.

Love

Janet

September 26, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

Thoughts at large:

I went to the DMV to register to vote. When I walked in…I saw behind the desk a lady I go to Sunday school with. A familiar, friendly face – that felt good. We talked like friends – that felt real nice. Another day – I went to the grocery store– I met another lady from my Sunday school class and we talked for a few minutes. Again I felt REAL good. Later we went to the park in our area to get a pass AND I met a lady from our neighborhood. She had stopped me on one of my walks and asked to walk with me. Now I feel like I HAVE ARRIVED!

Junior is back too. Boy I have loved getting Junior back. I went to give him a letter while he was in his favorite chair. He grabbed me and pulled me to him. That felt good. While driving around…our humor was playing itself out. I loved it. We were bantering back and forth – something we haven’t done in a while.

The front room has taken shape – maybe not the final look, still it has a shape to it. That feels good. We put up the hutch and I am so tickled. It looks nice, and as with most of our furniture it serves more than one purpose now. It will hold books, and things in the drawers. The white cabinet that was in the basement in Redford when we moved in came south with us. I have it on the wall near my desk. I have pretty colored baskets on the top shelf and am using them like a desk drawer. I have pens and pencils in one; little scissors in another and each one has its basket filled with drawer type stuff. It is colorful and functional. I have found some boxes and folders so I can file my papers as well – all very colorful. I like color. We brought the tri fold mirror from our basement in Redford and hung it up in the bathroom. We also brought the over the toilet cabinet from the basement. Both are white and they brighten the bathroom up very nicely.

Lesson I should have known and had to learn again: Don’t drag the plastic trash bag on gravel – IT WILL BREAK and it DID! Boy that was a mess to clean up! I wound up taking a nap when I got done!

Slowly our porch is getting emptied. We will have a yard sale soon. A great way to meet our neighbors and hopefully our excess stuff will find a home.

Junior again his humor is back. We have the white U-Haul truck we bought. He found some spray paint and has started to color the box. There are two stick figures – a man and a woman - painted on one side. He makes me laugh more often again.

Another lesson learned: ticks and such live out here. If we let the cats out to wander while we work – we should probably rub them down with flee powder. My legs look a lot better once we did that and sprinkled it on the floor.

I am starting my day off with a cup of coffee – real coffee! I love it. The caffeine helps with the neck pain. I am learning to pour a cup, go sit – usually on the porch and drink it and drink in the view. I wake up slowly, peacefully – wonderfully. Now after the coffee – I am a challenge – I love to talk and talk and talk and talk. Junior is used to me. My sister doesn’t know how to deal with the hyper Janet. So it goes.

Again I think of the Michigan – Ohio line. Again I find that I have let go of stuff. Does it hurt? Yes, but that state line helps me keep the Michigan stuff in Michigan. My sister and Junior have been patient while I have grieved, let go and now I move on.

Our new life has begun. I am excited. Soon, I will begin writing my book – a little off schedule – not bad though. Michigan I have loved you – Virginia I am now your child. Let’s see where life will take me/us. Prayerfully, I hope that we continue to grow in the Lord and find His will for me, for us.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon youl.

Love

Janet

September 19, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

The move is done. I was talking to a friend on the phone. This friend loves me and has helped me face life through the years. Friends have been concerned about me this past year and have tried to lovingly get me on track. I am grateful for this love.

The sense of failure has been wandering around my brain. To me success was a fancy career, adult children who revered you, a nicer than nice home in a nicer than nice community and an ability to travel. To be honest, I had not felt like I had arrived anywhere at all. My kids don’t like me. That to me means, I did a poor job raising them. Even though there were two of us – I guess I was willing to take the full blame. I had a decent career – not fancy. Actually, I chose to not work a lot of overtime because I wanted to be home with the kids, take Grandma shopping on Saturdays and stuff like that. I took the kids to their activities and at the time felt like I was connecting with them. I tried to attend their functions as much as I could.

I became a grandparent. I loved it. Two of the three grandchildren often spent a night at our house. We had tea parties. We let Andrew dig for buried treasure in our backyard. We read a children’s Bible to them at night. We prayed with them. We loved them. When we were going to move, I asked if the kids could come down for a week – no. That sense of failure struck me again.

With the move to Virginia, I am allowing myself to “let go.” We have a little house. The wonderful scenery is so freeing, relaxing etc. The pace out here is slower. People aren’t as quick to judge us. That feels wonderful. Emma, I fell in love with her – rather quickly for me. There are little ones around here – I sense that my grandmother need will find an outlet.

My friend shared how much she respected me. She feels that I have done a lot with my life. That surprised me. She has a “career”. She lives in a VERY nice house in a Very nice neighborhood. So, I was surprised when she told me that she respects me and finds that I have overcome a lot. I felt that she was “looking up” to me. That felt weird but wonderful at the same time.

God again amazed me. He knows me. He knew I needed a boost – some help. My friend was home when I called. We talked an hour and a half. Like the “old” days. I found myself wanting to cry tears of relief, joy. This is a woman, I love, I cherish and I found out again that she truly loves me – all of me – the parts that sometimes struggles with her identity. This woman saw my struggle many months ago. She pulled Junior aside and told him so. He has taken her advice and tried to bring me out of the struggles I have had this past year.

Again I marvel at God’s provision. He knew I needed help. He kept placing people in my path to help me along the way. I also sense God saying to me, “Janet, you are precious.” That feels good too. If my kids don’t like me – that’s their choice. I can’t do anything about that. Junior and I have enough money to do what we want – that’s great too. So if no one is impressed – really that’s okay. We can pay our bills. We can travel. That is a lot. Again I find myself grateful for Emma. She is a blessing. I’ve met Debbie and her two boys. I’ve met Lisa and her little one. I feel like I can fit in with these women. We have a church that is welcoming us – a huge blessing. My sister loves on me, her girls love on me – and once more I sense that I truly am precious.

My sister has been trying to help me get past this hurt. The nieces too and my friend was able to put into words, what I needed to hear. Again, I marvel at God. He gives me people to love, to be loved by. He truly knows what I need. So, I face the day because God first loved me – ME even when I feel unlovable. He tells me again that I am a loveable person. That feels great.

I am not a failure – that one I find truly amazing. I am precious – that feels good too. I am able to go forward and face yet another day. Praise the Lord.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

September 12, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

As I write this, it is our last hours in our Redford home:

Another chapter of my life is closing. We are going to leave our Redford home in a little bit and another person will be moving in – renting it for now. I have wandered around this home a few times and memories come – not like I thought, but still I have remembered a little bit.

Junior has made living with him a safe endeavor. In my prayers lately as I get to thanking God, I try to thank Him each day that I have a home to live in. I must admit for a good portion of my life I feared being displaced and having no home to live in. For most of my life I have lived in fear within the homes I have lived in. I remember living in fear at home as a child. Dad told me often that he “gave” up on me. Dad was always pounding on someone – my sister mostly. Mom was always leaving to be away from home, from us. She found it easier to volunteer than to be home with us. It is a habit I picked up in my first marriage.

I was afraid too as an adult. Money was always tight in my first marriage. I was afraid that we would lose our home. I was afraid of my first husband. Home and fear that’s what I knew and lived with.

When I married Junior, I walked into his house and for the first time in my life, I felt safe. It is strange because I only knew Junior for 5 months before we got married and I felt safe with him.

As I prayed my prayers of thanks to God, I began to realize I am going into the third home where I have felt safe. I also marvel that all the years that I worried about being homeless, I have never been homeless. I realize again that God is watching out after me.

So, I stroll around the empty house. There is the plug that Junior put in, it is in the hallway and when I vacuumed the carpet, I never needed to unplug the cord. In our bedrooms Junior redid the closet doors – he made pocket doors so the doors would slide into the wall instead of out in the way. Junior, I smile he made holes in the one closet so that our cats could come from another room and the bedroom door could be closed. On the landing, Junior made a special spot to hang up jackets. That’s the hard part about moving – the special things that made our home unique.

Outside there are our marks as well. Junior has done the gardening for the last few years. Again, I see his style, his mark and I will miss them. In the new home, I am sure that we will have our new mark – for now though, I say good-bye.

In a few short hours, we will leave to truly live in Virginia, no more a home in Michigan and a home in Virginia. It is time to go into the community and grow where we are at. My heart asks God again, “What is our purpose in Virginia? What work are we to do?”

In a year, we will try to sell our home again. Hopefully, we won’t have to take money to the closing like we would if we sold now. Hopefully, we can get a little profit – that would be nice.

As I say good-bye, I pray. I pray for the lady who will be renting our home. I pray for us as we settle in Virginia. I pray that I will also remember this home and the wonderful lessons and moments we had here. The memories come again. Five years ago, Junior retired – back problems. I had cancer. This home was a comfort during that time. Oh, the first year we were here – Mom died. I remember that time as well. We welcomed our beautiful grandchildren here. We had tea parties and Andrew and Papa dug out in the yard for buried treasures.

It is time to say good-bye. It is time to let go. It is time to make new memories in a new home.

May God Bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

September 5, 20 009

Greetings My Friend,

I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions. Moves tend to lend themselves to that feeling. Moving to a new state has heightened my emotions too. Gone are all my old standards and here are all new ways.

Again, I struggled with my children not wanting me. This time I saw in my mind’s eye some new things. Because my childhood family was so small and I did not know a lot of the relatives, I was related too – I found comfort in family objects. As I placed these objects in my home, I found a sense of continuity. I had a sense of belonging, a sense of “family.”

I have an antique traveling trunk. It was Grandpa’s first wife’s trunk. She died leaving Grandpa with a “retarded” child (my guess is she was Down’s syndrome – although I don’t know what her diagnosis would be in today’s terms). I have a gate leg table – it was Grandma’s and Grandpa’s, they bought it used in 1928 for $5.00. I have a wall of pictures – Grandma as a little girl with her Dad and siblings – her mother died when she was 7, there is a picture of her parents, and a picture of Grandpa’s parents. Mom and Dad bought a hutch – a cheap hutch when they were getting back on their feet after polio. Each time I look at the hutch, I remember and I find I treasure even this piece of furniture. These objects have been a part of my home for years and years. When I walk by them, I feel like I have “family”, roots.

I also remembered some other moments. I remembered how my ex-husband would tell my children that they were Polish and French – he discounted my heritage – German, Irish and English. I also remembered that there were times I wanted to run from my family. I wanted to NOT be like my parents. I did not want to be angry like Dad. I did not want to be like Mom either – she was always mad. I remembered that until I went into counseling the only feeling word I knew was, “That made me mad.” Counseling taught me that I could be sad, mad, glad etc.

We have way too much furniture for the house in Haysi. As I started to think about what I wanted to keep, I had a desire to give some of my pieces of “history” to my children. At that point the blue funk hit. I found myself telling God. I found myself near tears, only they would not come out. I also “heard” God tell me to not store up treasures on earth. Still the funk was not lifting. I prayed, I struggled and the funk was not leaving.

We had gone back to Michigan. I went to Celebrate Recovery. Boy was I glad to be with “friends.” It felt good to be with the familiar again. I talked about my intense sadness. Usually my mood will lift with a telling, a talking it out loud. It did not go away this time. I went home, prayed again and went to sleep. I woke up and tried to stay in bed. At one point I realized if I did not do something “soon” I was headed for a deep depression. I called the church – the minister’s were at lunch. Then I called an old friend – She has known the sting of a child not wanting to be in her life. I found myself coming out of my funk. My Celebrate Recovery Leader called me. We talked – she understood my struggle – she has walked the road I’ve been on. I talked to another friend from where I used to work. That did the trick, I found myself perking up again.

God placed these women in my path at a time I truly needed them. I always marvel at God’s provision. I needed to talk and to retell my struggle more than one time. God gave me that opportunity.

As I came out of my funk, I began to come up with ideas on how to deal with the “family” treasures. I will ask the nieces if they want some. If not, then I can always donate these pieces, someone will treasure them. I may even write up a “bio” and tape it to the item so the story can be passed on.

I also began to appreciate God telling me not to store up treasures on earth. Lately, I find myself longing for heaven. I don’t have a death wish, still, heaven sounds more and more inviting as the years go on. I ponder when the end will truly come and eternity will begin. In heaven there will be no tears, no sickness, and no death. Wow! I can deal with that thought. I also don’t worry about being bored. I believe in my heart that we will have work to do and it will be rewarding.

So, I get up, face the day. Again I am grateful for Jesus. I have something to live for and that makes life so much sweeter.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet