Greetings My Friend,
No matter whether you are healthy or unhealthy/disabled you have to make choices in life, some will be good and some not so good. That is what I am processing in my thoughts. When I first knew I was disabled I had decided to make being in church on Sunday morning and evening a priority in my life, I also made a decision to not work or volunteer, I did not have the energy to be busy outside of our home but to use that energy to cook, clean, write along with doing some sort of crafting. I could make time to go to the gym, except the membership fee is not worth joining because I wear out too soon to use a gym. Last Friday we decided to go to the Johnson City Mall because we heard that there was an Apple store there. That is a 3 hour drive one way so when we head that way we know up front that it is an all day commitment, we never found the mall but we did find out that Best Buy could help me with my problem so I dropped my iPad off with the plan to pick it up on Saturday. I was too tired to make the trip and I wanted to attend church services so the plan was to head back on Monday. I found myself tired but we managed to get out of the house and onto JC again. My iPad had been recovered but the Geek Squad could not help me, I had hit another snag in getting my iPad up and running. All of these snags found me discouraged, it would have been easy to get angry but that would do no good and people are not as inclined to be helpful to an angry woman. I had pushed myself beyond my endurance, I am lucky that my Parkinson's symptoms did not start getting worse like my tremor's shaking harder or muscles tightening up. Many times when we with PD push ourselves to do too much we pay a price. I am struggling with Chronic Fatigue more so, usually I am able to manage Chronic Fatigue by spacing out my running errands, taking daily naps or resting for a couple of hours at a time between being active for a couple of hours. Since I have been divorced from my 1st husband I have developed a close walk with Jesus, through the years I have learned to spend time with the LORD each day, since retirement my study time has settled to the first 2 hours I am awake each morning. This time allows my mind to wake up, orient myself to start my day. In learning to do this I find myself accepting my chronic illness with peace. As I was first uncovering all the things wrong with me like allergy induced asthma, GERDS, insomnia and eventually PD I thought maybe God would heal me completely all at once. As time went on I am glad He did not heal me completely, I find that relying on God to be so helpful in keeping my faith strong. I come back to being grateful for choosing Jesus day by day. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Saturday, January 27, 2018
January 27, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
It took me 6 years to get a diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease. During that time frame I felt anxious, wondering why walking was difficult, why I was tiring out when I did walk for short periods of time even though a few years earlier I walked everyday on my lunch hour. As I say that I recall working and walking for years on my lunch hour around the parking structure but that last year, I wore out, hardly able to make to entire trip up and down the parking structure so I could say symptoms began earlier than the 6 years, anyway it took a very long time to find out what was going on with me. Those years of declining abilities to walk, being winded easily, chronically tired hardly able to move from one chair to the next were long and difficult. Drawing close to God helped, I felt Him guiding one health issue at a time, the walking though took so much longer to find out what was wrong. I also knew the day I had a diagnosis I would have a name to the problem and a fight in my spirit to cope. to make the best of this situation. In October of 2016, I received a diagnosis, almost immediately I found myself relaxing then I felt the battle I was facing. Since then I have researched PD, found help sites to join since there are no groups in my area to connect with my online support network has become a set of friends to share with. I have learned that exercise is of huge importance to be flexible, eating a healthy diet, and setting routines in place. Recently I have noticed people talking about down days and I figured out what they meant by that, I woke up late, took my PD medication late and I felt sluggish, my brain was foggy like I could not get my thoughts together. I used to describe this feeling as having a hangover without the alcohol. The next day, I was back up at my usual time, my routines were back and I was able to function rather well both physically and mentally. I was explaining all of this to my husband Junior, I could see he was not fully comprehending what I was telling him, he still tries to think in well body thinking. I struggled with this for a long time myself, like with the walking, I kept telling myself to keep pushing, soon I would be able to push past the sluggishness, the tiredness even the exhaustion I had. A Physical Therapist once told me that I needed to rest and not for 10 or 15 minutes but longer. Again that was hard although I soon learned to work for 2 hours rest for just as long even take a nap if I needed it then get up and work again for 2 hours doing that helps me stay flexible, pain free for the most part and productive. God has been teaching me how to live with this chronic disease, He gives me peace, then He takes me by the hand showing me answers on the help sites, on Pinterest, from my doctor, all over the place. My anxiousness has gone away for the most part mostly from God, some from anxiety/depression medications and lots of prayers, Bible reading. I have learned that my life span can be a normal life span for other women of my age range which means I can live with this disease for another 20 years or so since I am in my 60's. My goal is to have the best quality of life I am able to which means taking care of my health. As my friend Terrie says all the time "God's got this." May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
It took me 6 years to get a diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease. During that time frame I felt anxious, wondering why walking was difficult, why I was tiring out when I did walk for short periods of time even though a few years earlier I walked everyday on my lunch hour. As I say that I recall working and walking for years on my lunch hour around the parking structure but that last year, I wore out, hardly able to make to entire trip up and down the parking structure so I could say symptoms began earlier than the 6 years, anyway it took a very long time to find out what was going on with me. Those years of declining abilities to walk, being winded easily, chronically tired hardly able to move from one chair to the next were long and difficult. Drawing close to God helped, I felt Him guiding one health issue at a time, the walking though took so much longer to find out what was wrong. I also knew the day I had a diagnosis I would have a name to the problem and a fight in my spirit to cope. to make the best of this situation. In October of 2016, I received a diagnosis, almost immediately I found myself relaxing then I felt the battle I was facing. Since then I have researched PD, found help sites to join since there are no groups in my area to connect with my online support network has become a set of friends to share with. I have learned that exercise is of huge importance to be flexible, eating a healthy diet, and setting routines in place. Recently I have noticed people talking about down days and I figured out what they meant by that, I woke up late, took my PD medication late and I felt sluggish, my brain was foggy like I could not get my thoughts together. I used to describe this feeling as having a hangover without the alcohol. The next day, I was back up at my usual time, my routines were back and I was able to function rather well both physically and mentally. I was explaining all of this to my husband Junior, I could see he was not fully comprehending what I was telling him, he still tries to think in well body thinking. I struggled with this for a long time myself, like with the walking, I kept telling myself to keep pushing, soon I would be able to push past the sluggishness, the tiredness even the exhaustion I had. A Physical Therapist once told me that I needed to rest and not for 10 or 15 minutes but longer. Again that was hard although I soon learned to work for 2 hours rest for just as long even take a nap if I needed it then get up and work again for 2 hours doing that helps me stay flexible, pain free for the most part and productive. God has been teaching me how to live with this chronic disease, He gives me peace, then He takes me by the hand showing me answers on the help sites, on Pinterest, from my doctor, all over the place. My anxiousness has gone away for the most part mostly from God, some from anxiety/depression medications and lots of prayers, Bible reading. I have learned that my life span can be a normal life span for other women of my age range which means I can live with this disease for another 20 years or so since I am in my 60's. My goal is to have the best quality of life I am able to which means taking care of my health. As my friend Terrie says all the time "God's got this." May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Thursday, January 25, 2018
January 25, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
Since I take a daily nap, I find when I am first waking up, reorienting myself I generally like to look on social media for a bit then write something for this blog or my Facebook page. I also journal my thoughts as I do my daily Bible study, with these 3 things I find I am able to take stock of all the things going around in my brain. Recently my nap time kept being disturbed by our dogs barking nonstop, it was hard to rest with the constant barking. Junior had got up from his nap to see what the dogs were fussing about to discover there were some workers putting in broadband in our area. We will be able to have a wider choice with cable providers, internet providers and I believe even have a wider choice in cell phone providers. Since we live in a more rural area we have had limited services, our internet is slower than when we lived in the urban Detroit area, we have to have a landline phone because our cell phones are sporadic at best. Through the years we have gotten used to what we have and dealt with it. For the most part I have dealt with my PTSD from the abuse I went through for 40 some years as well, at one point Daisy was not quieting down, Junior knew I was struggling to get to sleep and stay asleep. I also know Junior will never hurt an animal or me intentionally. All of a sudden Junior came in the house walking at a fast pace, he had anger on his face, his finger was pointing at Daisy, as he drew near I found myself back in my abuse again. My ex used to kick our dog rather hard, punch them even and that is where my mind was that day when Junior came charging into the room. I said rather timidly "Don't hurt Daisy." As I watched holding my breath Junior spoke firmly, not loud, he tapped Daisy's head not brutally again with firmness and I exhaled with relief. When we first had puppies I had to make myself leave the area when Junior needed to correct the puppies, I would have fussed at him, then our dogs would never have learned to do their business outside, to stop barking etc. Slowly I learned that there are other ways for people to handle anger, disciplining etc. For me when I was raising my children I rarely spanked them, I hated the anger that was used on me when I got spankings. My siblings and I often had bruises on our bodies from the belts, sometimes from Dad's fists. My ex was not consistent with our children either, one time he thought what our child did was funny, the next time he gave them a spanking. I found myself attempting to make it easier on our children because of their Father's inconsistent disciplining. Both of our children were in their late teens early 20's when we were divorced. It was hard to look back at all that our children had gone through, what I had dealt with. I have told my son more than once when he questioned me on why I stayed, " I could not get better until I got better." Since the divorce 21 years ago I have turned my life over to Jesus more fully, have taken relationship classes and even found I need medication to help me leave the past in the past. Today I function rather well with occasional flashbacks. Jesus, has forgiven me for those things I did wrong and I have forgiven myself as well. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Since I take a daily nap, I find when I am first waking up, reorienting myself I generally like to look on social media for a bit then write something for this blog or my Facebook page. I also journal my thoughts as I do my daily Bible study, with these 3 things I find I am able to take stock of all the things going around in my brain. Recently my nap time kept being disturbed by our dogs barking nonstop, it was hard to rest with the constant barking. Junior had got up from his nap to see what the dogs were fussing about to discover there were some workers putting in broadband in our area. We will be able to have a wider choice with cable providers, internet providers and I believe even have a wider choice in cell phone providers. Since we live in a more rural area we have had limited services, our internet is slower than when we lived in the urban Detroit area, we have to have a landline phone because our cell phones are sporadic at best. Through the years we have gotten used to what we have and dealt with it. For the most part I have dealt with my PTSD from the abuse I went through for 40 some years as well, at one point Daisy was not quieting down, Junior knew I was struggling to get to sleep and stay asleep. I also know Junior will never hurt an animal or me intentionally. All of a sudden Junior came in the house walking at a fast pace, he had anger on his face, his finger was pointing at Daisy, as he drew near I found myself back in my abuse again. My ex used to kick our dog rather hard, punch them even and that is where my mind was that day when Junior came charging into the room. I said rather timidly "Don't hurt Daisy." As I watched holding my breath Junior spoke firmly, not loud, he tapped Daisy's head not brutally again with firmness and I exhaled with relief. When we first had puppies I had to make myself leave the area when Junior needed to correct the puppies, I would have fussed at him, then our dogs would never have learned to do their business outside, to stop barking etc. Slowly I learned that there are other ways for people to handle anger, disciplining etc. For me when I was raising my children I rarely spanked them, I hated the anger that was used on me when I got spankings. My siblings and I often had bruises on our bodies from the belts, sometimes from Dad's fists. My ex was not consistent with our children either, one time he thought what our child did was funny, the next time he gave them a spanking. I found myself attempting to make it easier on our children because of their Father's inconsistent disciplining. Both of our children were in their late teens early 20's when we were divorced. It was hard to look back at all that our children had gone through, what I had dealt with. I have told my son more than once when he questioned me on why I stayed, " I could not get better until I got better." Since the divorce 21 years ago I have turned my life over to Jesus more fully, have taken relationship classes and even found I need medication to help me leave the past in the past. Today I function rather well with occasional flashbacks. Jesus, has forgiven me for those things I did wrong and I have forgiven myself as well. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
January 23, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
Monday I slowed down for the first time this year it seems, I got up late, took an extra long nap before I started feeling like my new normal again. After dinner I even took Daisy my 7 pound poodle out with me to go hunt for kindling in the yard. For me this is a major endeavor although I love it. Slowly I have developed a way to move about the yard using my walking stick, pulling a wagon and using one of those sticks to pick up things with that have grabbers on the end. I have not been out in more than a week because of the recent snow fall and rain we have been having so it felt good wandering around the yard just before it got dark. I managed to find a couple big pieces of tree limbs so I hauled it over to where Junior cuts up wood with my walking stick in the other hand so I could get back to the wagon I was filling up. In the wagon I had 2 cat litter buckets so I can put in kindling, I also find a few good sized pieces of wood to toss into the wagon as well. When it got too dark to see much more I took the handle of the wagon to turn it around only to dump the whole wagon load of kindling! I got back into the house. told Junior about my mishap, so sweetly he went to retrieve the wagon gather up what spilled out of it. then bring it back to where he cuts up the wood. He is so proud of me being able to come back as far as I have come back in the last few years. When I retired I was in a major state of chronic fatigue, it took a few years to sort through all the health issues I had developed so now that I am once more able to help around the house he is very happy. God has been guiding me through all the problems I have like when I learned I now have allergy induced asthma, God taught me to get rid of all the carpeting in the house, to put more air purifiers in the house since we have 7 dogs and 5 cats. My doctor also has me on a maitance inhaler, Singular to dry up my lungs along with allergy medicine so today my flare ups with bronchitis are rare. A year and a half ago I found out that I have Parkinson's disease, God has been guiding me here as well. I am grateful to have regained a measure of the energy I once had, I am thrilled when I am able to challenge myself with new endeavor's as well. Monday evening I noticed this year Junior and I are rather settled into our home in Virginia in regards to the housework chores we each attend to. Now that I know he prefers to sweep, mop and wax the floors, do laundry and enjoys helping wash dishes when he is talking on the phone with special friends I am able to chart my day and chores accordingly. I make two meals a day for the two of us, mostly wash the dishes, make the bed etc. These routines feel rather nice knowing who will do what. For the longest time I was barely able to take care of myself much less our home, thankfully I was able to enter back into my routines as Junior finished renovating a room at a time for me to build back up to what I am able to do today. I also learned to do old things in a new way due to chronic fatigue and loosing my ability to walk right because of PD. Once the PD medication took effect I am now able to walk with the aid of a walker again, a walking stick if I am not going too far. God has been with me on my journey to be healthy, to live a retirement life and as a disabled woman. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Monday I slowed down for the first time this year it seems, I got up late, took an extra long nap before I started feeling like my new normal again. After dinner I even took Daisy my 7 pound poodle out with me to go hunt for kindling in the yard. For me this is a major endeavor although I love it. Slowly I have developed a way to move about the yard using my walking stick, pulling a wagon and using one of those sticks to pick up things with that have grabbers on the end. I have not been out in more than a week because of the recent snow fall and rain we have been having so it felt good wandering around the yard just before it got dark. I managed to find a couple big pieces of tree limbs so I hauled it over to where Junior cuts up wood with my walking stick in the other hand so I could get back to the wagon I was filling up. In the wagon I had 2 cat litter buckets so I can put in kindling, I also find a few good sized pieces of wood to toss into the wagon as well. When it got too dark to see much more I took the handle of the wagon to turn it around only to dump the whole wagon load of kindling! I got back into the house. told Junior about my mishap, so sweetly he went to retrieve the wagon gather up what spilled out of it. then bring it back to where he cuts up the wood. He is so proud of me being able to come back as far as I have come back in the last few years. When I retired I was in a major state of chronic fatigue, it took a few years to sort through all the health issues I had developed so now that I am once more able to help around the house he is very happy. God has been guiding me through all the problems I have like when I learned I now have allergy induced asthma, God taught me to get rid of all the carpeting in the house, to put more air purifiers in the house since we have 7 dogs and 5 cats. My doctor also has me on a maitance inhaler, Singular to dry up my lungs along with allergy medicine so today my flare ups with bronchitis are rare. A year and a half ago I found out that I have Parkinson's disease, God has been guiding me here as well. I am grateful to have regained a measure of the energy I once had, I am thrilled when I am able to challenge myself with new endeavor's as well. Monday evening I noticed this year Junior and I are rather settled into our home in Virginia in regards to the housework chores we each attend to. Now that I know he prefers to sweep, mop and wax the floors, do laundry and enjoys helping wash dishes when he is talking on the phone with special friends I am able to chart my day and chores accordingly. I make two meals a day for the two of us, mostly wash the dishes, make the bed etc. These routines feel rather nice knowing who will do what. For the longest time I was barely able to take care of myself much less our home, thankfully I was able to enter back into my routines as Junior finished renovating a room at a time for me to build back up to what I am able to do today. I also learned to do old things in a new way due to chronic fatigue and loosing my ability to walk right because of PD. Once the PD medication took effect I am now able to walk with the aid of a walker again, a walking stick if I am not going too far. God has been with me on my journey to be healthy, to live a retirement life and as a disabled woman. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Sunday, January 21, 2018
January 20, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
My laptop computer died, my tablet died so I thought why not get an iPad, I kept hearing that they are user friendly, the one I looked at seemed like I could condense down to using the iPad instead of having 2 things. It made sense at the time, so I asked my niece who works for Apple to order one for me, she did and boy what a week I had. My brain has been worked out to the max. Somehow I keep messing up the iPad with the codes and such then I need a recovery so I spent hours on the phone with Tec support. Finally Tec support walked me through things I was understanding somewhat and I felt it was time to explore my way around only to get locked out again. Having done a recovery a few times with Tec support my thought was to do it myself. I tried a few times only to discover that I need Tec support to help me. We got the bright idea to go over to Walmart because there aren't many places to go to in our area of small town America. They could not help me but suggested we head over to a place 3 hours from us. This is where we generally travel to when we need to see specialists, find a big name store and such. That is the plan for this coming week. Needless to say being on the computer, on the phone has been wearing at best. It can challenge my Parkinson's as well, and it did a bit, the week before I found myself getting agitated over nothing. God has been working on my temper for a long time to the point that I rarely get upset over things anymore so when I fussed at Junior I was surprised. I let it slide, apologized and thought nothing about it until I fussed at him again. By that time I had been reading on the Parkinson's help site that PD patients often have mood swings. My heart went to prayer asking God to help me not to allow this to take hold in me. My heart says that as time goes on I will need people to take care of me and the last thing I want to be is fussy. It also seems since the start of the year we are running to doctor's appointments more than usual and that our pace has not truly gotten back to the routines we have worked hard to put into place. I have also learned that routines are important for PD patients, I have always operated best with routines as well. I find myself tiring out more again, like last week with all of the computer technology stuff. Life is not stagnant so learning to move through life with its ups and downs is really normal as well. Parkinson's also deals with chronic fatigue a lot as most chronic illnesses, generally I have been able to manage my fatigue although sometimes lately I have had to push myself to keep going. I am going to stay in prayer asking God to guide me, next week I will see my PCP and I will let her know what is going on with me. Instead of using lavender essential oils only at night to get to sleep with, I will also use them in the diffuser during the day, I have started drinking chamomile tea to help quiet me and time will tell how well these things are helping me. God has been faithful to guide me this far and I know He will be there going forward. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
My laptop computer died, my tablet died so I thought why not get an iPad, I kept hearing that they are user friendly, the one I looked at seemed like I could condense down to using the iPad instead of having 2 things. It made sense at the time, so I asked my niece who works for Apple to order one for me, she did and boy what a week I had. My brain has been worked out to the max. Somehow I keep messing up the iPad with the codes and such then I need a recovery so I spent hours on the phone with Tec support. Finally Tec support walked me through things I was understanding somewhat and I felt it was time to explore my way around only to get locked out again. Having done a recovery a few times with Tec support my thought was to do it myself. I tried a few times only to discover that I need Tec support to help me. We got the bright idea to go over to Walmart because there aren't many places to go to in our area of small town America. They could not help me but suggested we head over to a place 3 hours from us. This is where we generally travel to when we need to see specialists, find a big name store and such. That is the plan for this coming week. Needless to say being on the computer, on the phone has been wearing at best. It can challenge my Parkinson's as well, and it did a bit, the week before I found myself getting agitated over nothing. God has been working on my temper for a long time to the point that I rarely get upset over things anymore so when I fussed at Junior I was surprised. I let it slide, apologized and thought nothing about it until I fussed at him again. By that time I had been reading on the Parkinson's help site that PD patients often have mood swings. My heart went to prayer asking God to help me not to allow this to take hold in me. My heart says that as time goes on I will need people to take care of me and the last thing I want to be is fussy. It also seems since the start of the year we are running to doctor's appointments more than usual and that our pace has not truly gotten back to the routines we have worked hard to put into place. I have also learned that routines are important for PD patients, I have always operated best with routines as well. I find myself tiring out more again, like last week with all of the computer technology stuff. Life is not stagnant so learning to move through life with its ups and downs is really normal as well. Parkinson's also deals with chronic fatigue a lot as most chronic illnesses, generally I have been able to manage my fatigue although sometimes lately I have had to push myself to keep going. I am going to stay in prayer asking God to guide me, next week I will see my PCP and I will let her know what is going on with me. Instead of using lavender essential oils only at night to get to sleep with, I will also use them in the diffuser during the day, I have started drinking chamomile tea to help quiet me and time will tell how well these things are helping me. God has been faithful to guide me this far and I know He will be there going forward. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Thursday, January 18, 2018
January 18, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
Brenda came over Wednesday afternoon, she ate dinner with us then went to prayer meeting with us and I introduced her to Pastor Joe. We all were in a playful mood before beginning the prayer meeting so I told the group about Brenda, her hoarding, her having cancer and then it hit me. Did I really talk about her hoarding, her needing to move to an apartment? I sure did! I apologized to Brenda, she said she needs to allow her ways to be made known so that she has to face facts, I still felt that was not something I needed to blurt out. Sometimes I have no filter between my brain and mouth, I keep working on it though with God's guidance. Afterwards we went home, got into our nighttime routines of taking medications, getting cleaned up and watching TV. Soon Junior went to bed, later I went to bed when we woke up Brenda was still sleeping, all of a sudden we heard her fussing and fuming in the spare bedroom, she came out all emotional, angry, spewing all kinds of angry words. Her son promised to pay the bill for the truck being repaired, he had not contacted her and she wanted to get her truck out of the shop. All of a sudden I remembered that Brenda is once more 19, acting like 19 and I feel clueless as how to deal with her. We loaned Brenda the van so later in the morning she packed up and went home. A few hours later, Brenda called she lost her apartment key, they charge her to open her place although this time it was done for free. Since she lives on SSI she has very little income so the fee seems rather large to her and she began hounding me to look for the key. Brenda always leaves something then she pesters us to find it for her so we did our usual kind of sort of look for the keys. Two texts later, a phone call or two later the keys were still not found and she is telling me how important it is that I find her keys. The light bulb went off as to why I had no filter when introducing her, I am the parent of a 19 year old again. That still does not make it right so I again ask God to teach me to put a zipper on my mouth. Brenda's keys are not my problem and I need to make her realize that she has to be better at keeping track of her things. Brenda also was mad at her son Jeremiah because he had not called her to pay for the repairs on the truck. She did not care that he might be busy dropping off a load, she felt since he did not unload the truck then he should be able to talk to her, she did not care that he might be sleeping or whatever else, when Brenda wanted to talk to him she expects him to drop what he is doing and talk to her. My mind kept asking "Where is the Brenda with the texts who is coming to her faith in Jesus, who is logical and almost sounds like she has entered into adulthood. It does not help that Brenda is Bipolar either, frequently forgets to her medications so her diabetes gets out of control, her blood pressure goes off the charts and her emotions are ruling her thoughts. As our morning moves along Jeff calls Junior, he too has emotional problems, major ones so the two of them spend time on the phone where Junior listens and Jeff talks. I find myself asking God to teach me to be what He wants me to be and what exactly does loving look like? Things quiet down, I finish my morning and begin to get ready for the day ahead. Brenda will be bringing the van back, Jeremiah finally called her so she can go get the truck. I think about making another batch of soup and my focus is on being active so that my body won't freeze up, attempting to be the wife my husband needs and the fur mom our fur children need. I am great full we have a home to live in, mountains to look out onto and I know that God is helping me be all that I can be, guiding me with my Parkinson's and teaching me to be the wife Junior needs. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Brenda came over Wednesday afternoon, she ate dinner with us then went to prayer meeting with us and I introduced her to Pastor Joe. We all were in a playful mood before beginning the prayer meeting so I told the group about Brenda, her hoarding, her having cancer and then it hit me. Did I really talk about her hoarding, her needing to move to an apartment? I sure did! I apologized to Brenda, she said she needs to allow her ways to be made known so that she has to face facts, I still felt that was not something I needed to blurt out. Sometimes I have no filter between my brain and mouth, I keep working on it though with God's guidance. Afterwards we went home, got into our nighttime routines of taking medications, getting cleaned up and watching TV. Soon Junior went to bed, later I went to bed when we woke up Brenda was still sleeping, all of a sudden we heard her fussing and fuming in the spare bedroom, she came out all emotional, angry, spewing all kinds of angry words. Her son promised to pay the bill for the truck being repaired, he had not contacted her and she wanted to get her truck out of the shop. All of a sudden I remembered that Brenda is once more 19, acting like 19 and I feel clueless as how to deal with her. We loaned Brenda the van so later in the morning she packed up and went home. A few hours later, Brenda called she lost her apartment key, they charge her to open her place although this time it was done for free. Since she lives on SSI she has very little income so the fee seems rather large to her and she began hounding me to look for the key. Brenda always leaves something then she pesters us to find it for her so we did our usual kind of sort of look for the keys. Two texts later, a phone call or two later the keys were still not found and she is telling me how important it is that I find her keys. The light bulb went off as to why I had no filter when introducing her, I am the parent of a 19 year old again. That still does not make it right so I again ask God to teach me to put a zipper on my mouth. Brenda's keys are not my problem and I need to make her realize that she has to be better at keeping track of her things. Brenda also was mad at her son Jeremiah because he had not called her to pay for the repairs on the truck. She did not care that he might be busy dropping off a load, she felt since he did not unload the truck then he should be able to talk to her, she did not care that he might be sleeping or whatever else, when Brenda wanted to talk to him she expects him to drop what he is doing and talk to her. My mind kept asking "Where is the Brenda with the texts who is coming to her faith in Jesus, who is logical and almost sounds like she has entered into adulthood. It does not help that Brenda is Bipolar either, frequently forgets to her medications so her diabetes gets out of control, her blood pressure goes off the charts and her emotions are ruling her thoughts. As our morning moves along Jeff calls Junior, he too has emotional problems, major ones so the two of them spend time on the phone where Junior listens and Jeff talks. I find myself asking God to teach me to be what He wants me to be and what exactly does loving look like? Things quiet down, I finish my morning and begin to get ready for the day ahead. Brenda will be bringing the van back, Jeremiah finally called her so she can go get the truck. I think about making another batch of soup and my focus is on being active so that my body won't freeze up, attempting to be the wife my husband needs and the fur mom our fur children need. I am great full we have a home to live in, mountains to look out onto and I know that God is helping me be all that I can be, guiding me with my Parkinson's and teaching me to be the wife Junior needs. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
January 16, 2018
Greetings My Friend,
Almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth I could "hear" the passage that the Apostle Paul wrote "I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do", my paraphrase. I have learned with Brenda I need to parent her, be rather frank and blunt with her, she even likes me talking this way to her because it helps her to face what she does not want to face. Even so this does not give me the right to take her to church and to tell everyone about how she is a hoarder, with her right beside me, it is not funny to use put down humor and there I was making jokes about her lifestyle. Afterwards before we left the pew I apologized to her, asked God in my heart to forgive me and to teach me to walk away from put down humor. Next I wanted to beat myself up for being such a bratty friend but I recalled Junior once more, I watch him get up after a fall and proceed with his life, no long bouts of self loathing. God wants me to see where I fall off the wagon then He wants me to get back up and start over leaving the sin in my past. Brenda now has bone cancer, she has been doing very well with accepting what the doctor's are telling her she needs to do, she is not trying to over research all the details looking for a flaw and putting off getting her treatments as she has with her breast cancer. Brenda is a fighter and is striving to fight this battle as well, the good thing is this time she is closer to Jesus, willing to take her fears to Him and trust He is right there beside her. Instead of insisting on cleaning out her house that she has literally abandoned due to her hoarding, she is letting go of the idea she will never live in that house again. I have mentioned more than once if she needs to sit in the peace of the mountains, the woods she can come to our place to find that peace. We can hang out and do things like bake, do crafts even write. These are the things she longs to do yet never seems to find the time to do. Both Junior and I have a heart for Brenda we want to step beside her for her good which means we have had the challenge of telling her about the "elephant in the room" her hoarding at home as well as when she visits, I usually need to tell her to go back after herself to pick up everything she has gotten out and left somewhere. Again she wants the truth in a firm straight forward way so I have learned to do just that. My way is to gently ask her to do things, she does not hear that gentle manner of talking and responds to the more direct approach. I have worked hard to soften up my speech and now going backwards is difficult, at the same time it comes back much too easily. My prayer has started going up asking God to show me how to be firm where I need to be and gentle where I need to be. As I help Brenda in her faith journey, I point out to Brenda that even though I have been walking with Jesus for 20 years now, I still have my moments where I need to learn and let go of strongholds I have. So I start a new day in walking with Jesus, I remember that He loves me even when I struggle and thankfully Brenda is able to forgive me, continue to allow me to be a friend in her time of need. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you. Love Janet
Almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth I could "hear" the passage that the Apostle Paul wrote "I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do", my paraphrase. I have learned with Brenda I need to parent her, be rather frank and blunt with her, she even likes me talking this way to her because it helps her to face what she does not want to face. Even so this does not give me the right to take her to church and to tell everyone about how she is a hoarder, with her right beside me, it is not funny to use put down humor and there I was making jokes about her lifestyle. Afterwards before we left the pew I apologized to her, asked God in my heart to forgive me and to teach me to walk away from put down humor. Next I wanted to beat myself up for being such a bratty friend but I recalled Junior once more, I watch him get up after a fall and proceed with his life, no long bouts of self loathing. God wants me to see where I fall off the wagon then He wants me to get back up and start over leaving the sin in my past. Brenda now has bone cancer, she has been doing very well with accepting what the doctor's are telling her she needs to do, she is not trying to over research all the details looking for a flaw and putting off getting her treatments as she has with her breast cancer. Brenda is a fighter and is striving to fight this battle as well, the good thing is this time she is closer to Jesus, willing to take her fears to Him and trust He is right there beside her. Instead of insisting on cleaning out her house that she has literally abandoned due to her hoarding, she is letting go of the idea she will never live in that house again. I have mentioned more than once if she needs to sit in the peace of the mountains, the woods she can come to our place to find that peace. We can hang out and do things like bake, do crafts even write. These are the things she longs to do yet never seems to find the time to do. Both Junior and I have a heart for Brenda we want to step beside her for her good which means we have had the challenge of telling her about the "elephant in the room" her hoarding at home as well as when she visits, I usually need to tell her to go back after herself to pick up everything she has gotten out and left somewhere. Again she wants the truth in a firm straight forward way so I have learned to do just that. My way is to gently ask her to do things, she does not hear that gentle manner of talking and responds to the more direct approach. I have worked hard to soften up my speech and now going backwards is difficult, at the same time it comes back much too easily. My prayer has started going up asking God to show me how to be firm where I need to be and gentle where I need to be. As I help Brenda in her faith journey, I point out to Brenda that even though I have been walking with Jesus for 20 years now, I still have my moments where I need to learn and let go of strongholds I have. So I start a new day in walking with Jesus, I remember that He loves me even when I struggle and thankfully Brenda is able to forgive me, continue to allow me to be a friend in her time of need. May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you. Love Janet
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