November 30, 2017

Greetings My Friend,

After Sunday evening Bible study I was hungry, another friend was hungry so we headed to McDonald's to share some food and to chat. The usual crowd did not go because the Choir is practicing for the Christmas Cantata which means many members of the Bible study go to choir practice instead of heading home or to McDonald's. Junior and I knew this lady although we have never had the opportunity to chat with her much more than greeting her when we saw her. She is divorced as Junior and I are and she also shared her story of abuse. I find it strangely wonderful that I have had 2 people to share my story with in 2 weeks. When I got up on Monday morning I was contemplating how God continues to bring healing into my life when the thought came to me that at this point in my healing I don't have the need to talk about everything for long extended periods of time. This is rather new in my faith walk, the need to not share the painful details of hurt over and over. Once I started taking anti anxiety/depression medications Junior started telling telling me that I needed to let go of the "talking" about my hurts, mainly from the past. He taught me to take that hurt to God and to let it go. This has been a difficult process for me because I love to talk, I did not realize though that much of my talk is about how people hurt me, my feelings. The more healing I have had the less I needed to tell others or to talk about it on and on. God has been teaching me to tell Him, to feel His love for me then to get up and enter back into life. The more I do this the better I feel emotionally. I am finding this even with my disease Parkinson's as well. I acknowledge that I have it, I share from time to time things I learn and experience with PD but my need to live it, talk it day in and day out is not as intense as life's major upsets have been for me. I have found a couple of people who have some knowledge of PD who let me explore with my questions so I am able to live my life as fully as I am able. I also have a couple of help sites I refer to so I can be as pro active as I am able to be. This disease is with me 24/7 so I need to think about how to cope quite a bit but I don't have the need to talk constantly about it. I am also learning to take the time I need to stop and rest and not feel guilty if I can not be counted on to do things I once was able to do. Over the Thanksgiving Holiday I over did the visiting and running, when Sunday morning came I got sick and I needed to stop and sleep most of the day. I allowed my body the time to rest and I was able to go to Sunday night Bible study at church. Come Monday after Thanksgiving we had to make a run to Johnson City, I have learned to take my nap in the truck on the trip or in the parking lot so that I am able to function. On Tuesday I will stay home which will be a day for me to catch up on my rest, to move slowly but allow myself enough activity so I don't become stiff. God is giving me the confidence to do what I need to do so that I am able to be effective for His calling for my life. It is hard when I have to sleep major portions of my day but if I listen to what God is telling me to do, I am able to do much more than when I was trying to rest for 10 minuets at a time before getting up and going again. Today I take a daily nap anywhere from an hour to 2 hours and on occasion even more. By allowing for a nap though I have been doing even more work than when I only rested and nodded off throughout the day. God has also encouraged me to use a walking stick, then a walker to get around with, by using these devices I find I am able to walk for longer periods of time, my shoulders are not pulled up near my ears as much and my spine has straightened out making me walk more upright which means I am having less back pain. I still get a lower back ache though when I walk around the house too much without my walker. All of this is possible because God has taught me what I need to do so that I can do the work He calls me to do. He does not take the disease of PD away, He has brought healing to my past life and I am grateful He walked with me through the trials instead of making it all go away. He is my testimony in all areas of my life. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 28, 2017

Greetings My Friend,

Recently I sat enjoying the sounds and sights of morning in our home. As I heated water to make tea I looked out the kitchen window to see the night sky turning into daylight which was a quiet beauty to behold. Next when I had started writing in my journal, I listened to Junior doing things around the house and was comforted with his quiet presence in our home. When Junior wakes up he greets each fur child, feeds the cats and the dogs before he begins his day. Daisy gets some of the cat food as a treat and she lets Junior know if he does not come in to the TV room soon enough. These morning moments are how most mornings in our home start our day and I love it. Gone are the days of getting out of the house as fast as I can. These days, I relish the chance to wake up slowly, peacefully. I find myself thanking God for these precious moments then I start my own routine of taking medications, making a protein shake and finally Bible study writing my thoughts and findings in a journal. I remember dreaming of  the day when I worked when I would be able to wake up slowly, do my morning time in the Word of God, now it is my every morning. After my quiet time, I check out Facebook, Twitter the emails and check the stats on my blog and Letters From Janet, Facebook page. If time permits then I write before I enter into the day fully. By the time I get up and moving I have engaged my brain, made a mental plan of the things I want to get done and my body is then ready to being moving about. Once more I know in my heart that God has given me a brand new life through His precious Son. I see all the 2nd and 3rd chances I have been given in my life and marvel. I am thankful for my walk with Jesus these days and as I encounter the struggles of life, I now turn to Jesus to help me face my day. In  the past I attempted to deal with each day, each struggle on my own and I was never fully satisfied. Today I find myself thankful for the littlest of things and discover that living a simple life is what I have yearned for all of my life. The new van I had to have got old, the pretty house cost me too much in emotional drainage so today I relish the sounds of our household. I am thankful for the faith walk I entered into as I left my long term first marriage. It is finding Jesus and opening my heart to Him that I have begun to truly enjoy these quiet times in my life. I had not baked a loaf of bread in some time. We found that we did not eat bread that often, so the other day I made a loaf with the idea of cutting it up and freezing the packaged individual sliced bread. That felt good since we enjoy sandwiches from time to time. This way we thaw out what we will eat when we do want the bread. With fall and cooler weather I am back to my soup making each week. This soup is our lunch for the next several days. In the evening for dinner I make mostly meat and potatoes for dinner. Through the years I have discovered that I need the protein at the start of the day and at the end of the day. I tried for a time making the heavier meal at lunch time with the lighter meal at dinner now however I have switched this around and I am able to wake up better, more rested. Junior is getting used to me being the cook in our marriage. He used to be the main cook for his family in his previous life. Today he works on renovating and I work at keeping the house in order and cooking. It has taken me a long time to get back to keeping house and making meals. Mom cooked for us when I moved in with her, then Junior often had dinner ready for me when I got home due to my late shift but now I am the cook, house keeper I have longed to be. Again I see God has given me my hearts desire, of taking care of our home and cooking our meals. When Junior went up to Michigan this past summer, I found I was ready to help keep the dishes washed. Prior to the trip, Junior did the dishes for me. I am sensitive to soaps, perfumes in the soaps so I have not done them. With the trip though I found I finally was ready to tackle this job as well. I have finally gotten used to wearing gloves and have had the energy to keep up washing the dishes along with doing housework. God has been helping me regain my energy levels and I am grateful for all He has given back to me. I am not the energetic woman that I was in my 40's but I am able to do much to keep our home in order and I am grateful for each day's work. I am grateful for a 2nd chance at marriage and I love being a mom to fur children. Life is good when I am able to see all that I truly have been given. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 25, 2017

Greetings My Friend,

Debbie and Boogie have become our family down here in Virginia and Clintwood Baptist Church is our church family, truly wrapping their love around us and in this love we are softening the hard parts of our personalities. As I write it is Wednesday the day before Thanksgiving, our plan is to celebrate with Debbie and Boogie and I already feel the warmth of their home surrounding me. Watching them work in the kitchen as they finish preparing the meal is amazing. These two women move about one doing this and the other doing that and then dinner is finished for us to partake of. Sometimes after we eat we go into the front room, to talk and visit, the TV is usually on QVC as background noise to our conversations. Once in awhile we will stop to watch something that is of interest to us then we proceed with our conversation. I don't know how these two women have warmed our hearts so, but it feels extra special to us. We went to the Thanksgiving service for the community Tuesday night, afterwards there was some finger food for us to eat and allow us time to talk with each other. The church family has helped Junior feel like he belongs, this is the one church that has truly accepted his rough speaking ways and softened them a whole lot. Our church family has come beside me, believed my stories of the abuse I endured, was patient as I finished growing out of abuse, accepted my over active ways, and then my over silly ways until today I believe I am fairly even in my personality. They have shown Junior and I that we have value and are interested in who we are and what we are able to give to the church. Boogie and Debbie are the same way with us, accepting our warts and wrapping their hearts around us. Brenda has said that she would like to come over later in the day, I am guessing she may even spend the night with us, she has not done much of this for a few years now. Lately, I see Brenda making some changes in her life, two bouts of cancer does that to a person. She is deepening her faith walk with Jesus more, learning to clean up after herself instead of trying to con someone to help her clean her home. She has come a long way and I am proud of her. Friday we will go buy my sister's place so we can see her daughter and their family. This holiday is shaping up to the most active holiday we have had in awhile and it feels good. The people we gather with people who are interested in us, wants our company and are not fulfilling an obligation. God is behind all of these changes, softening the rough parts of our personalities, opening the hearts of people to help us grow and enjoy us being in their lives. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 23, 2017

Greetings My Friend,

For a week or so now God has been working with me about my past of abuse. He has opened a door for me to say out loud without being told that "I am in a better place now, put that behind you or why do you hang onto those memories so long?" First God showed me some of the abuse I dealt with, I saw the scenes flash through my mind and I was amazed, I felt like I saw but I did not feel the old pain. Another time God showed me the Lord Jesus on the cross, battered and crying huge tears rolling down His cheeks, His mouth wide open in a scream of pain with blood flowing everywhere. That scene startled me and left me wondering. Later God showed me those were the tears He has for me and all that I endured. The whole scene became complete at Church Sunday night before we went into the Sanctuary for Bible study. A group of us were talking and as the group started to walk away I mentioned to Jenny, Pastor Joe's wife that I believe I have 2 things going on in my body, I feel I have Traumatic Brain Injury and Parkinson's Disease. Jenny said "I hate that you had to endure that" and the flood gates of memories opened up and I began talking. We worked our way to the stairs, I sat on the stairs and she sat in my walker. I told some of the awful things that went on in my home as a child and as a married woman. Jenny did not stop me from talking, she had a compassion that I have longed for and she shared about people in her life that have been abused and how hard it is on them. She knew, she understood and she let me talk. I felt acknowledged for the very first time in my life. Today I realize if someone would have allowed me to state the ugly facts in a loving environment I would not spent half of my life trying to tell my story, being depressed, being overly silly and playing the dumb blonde roll. I wanted someone to tell me that what was done to me was wrong and not right or point out how hard I am to deal with. I have had counselors tell me what I endured was not that bad when I began to scratch the surface of what happened to me. I never wanted pity, I still don't what I needed was the acknowledgement that the pain was real which would have helped me heal so much faster and the need to talk as much as I did. God is the one who brought healing to my soul, gave me the love and the woman who did not shy away from my pain. Our church family has indicated they believe me and have asked me often if I thought my PD is due to my abuse. God has opened this church family to wrap their love around Junior and I and I feel that as we feel the love we will continue to heal and even be able to have a purpose to help others who have or are dealing with the pain we have known too intimately. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 21, 2017

Greetings My Friend,

It has taken me a very long time to get to today, God knew when He put me with Junior that I would be safe and have the time to grow out of the abuse dysfunction I had lived in for a long time. Generally it is not advisable to meet then marry within 15 months of divorce. I was preparing my heart that it may take many years for me to be healthy enough to be in a relationship when I met Junior six months after my divorce. I was in his group at Divorce Recovery where he was the facilitator, after Divorce Recovery ended Junior took a group of us newly single's to a dance for singles then he danced with each of us. Our relationship grew and we married 5 months later, 15 months after my divorce. My ex wanted the divorce then began playing the nice guy bringing over things like my bike that had been broken for years fixed up and cleaned up. He met me at the church door each time I walked in and after my marriage he kept inserting himself into my life as we gathered for our grandchildren's events and such, even my mothers funeral service, he stood upfront greeting people. All of this is what Junior inherited when he married me, a broken, scared woman. He joined me in my counseling sessions so he could help me work through what I needed to work through, we took remarried classes, relationship classes and went to marriage seminars all which helped us grow close as a couple. Recently we were finishing a Sunday School Bible study lesson when we began to have a conversation about how we have grown as a couple. Junior opened up about how difficult it was for him to deal with me, my feelings were easily hurt and I had times where I was rough with him. He perceived that I wanted him to work on something else so he would change what he was working on. I learned that he worked way slower than I had thought he needed because I am hyperactive, my family was hyperactive and I did not know how much slower disabled people needed to work. Once we moved to Virginia I was able to begin to process all that I had been through, we both marveled at how the renovating has helped us individually and as a couple. Medication for depression and anxiety has quieted my fears, disability has slowed my body down and L-Tyrosine has helped slow my brain down to where I now am able to allow Junior to work the way he needs to work, to hear him when he talks to me and so much more. I see God working all of this out for my good for our good as a couple. Junior had to learn I am not faking my illnesses as his first wife did, that I am able to tolerate pain and how damaged I truly was. We have discovered that most people do not recognize the first signs of a chronic illness, mental traumas and even how to deal with PTSD. Junior often felt no one understood his struggle with disability and PTSD, the anger flare ups he can have. Now that we know I have Parkinson's Junior realizes that I was not lazy and the extent of the trauma I dealt with in my abuse both as a child and as an adult. God set us up as a couple, provided tools for us to strengthen our marriage and then had us move to Virginia so we could learn more lessons as he renovated our home. He mentioned how hard it was to stay with me but he felt compelled to stay, today he is happy with our marriage. I am in love with Junior even more in love than when we married, I have learned not all men need to hurt women, God truly loves me and is not out to harm me. We have worn off the rough edges within ourselves and in our marriage and are content because God knew what He was doing. I have grown to trust God, to see the gift of the cross and Junior had fallen away from daily prayer into popcorn prayers only to find out there needs to be time alone with God. Since his return to prayer and private time in the Word we are growing once more. We realize that we have weathered much and come out for the better. As we begin to enter into our 20th year of marriage, we are stronger, more connected and very dependent on God and each other. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 18, 2017

Greetings my Friend,

Junior and I are not rich, we are not poor either although people seem to think we may be poor. Neither one of us have a need to wear the most stylish of clothing and we are as at home in a thrift store as we are in a department store so we buy what we choose. We rarely will pay full price for clothes at a department store always seeking the discount rack first. Our SS and Junior's retirement pension from the VA allows us to be comfortable. With the sale of our house in Michigan our finances are once more manageable and life is good for us. We are grateful we can support our little fur family making sure they are spayed and neutered and getting their check ups as they need which makes us happy that we can provide for them. I am grateful that God has given us a comfortable retirement and I find when people point out who is rich in our community we are under impressed in general. The last thing I want to do is to beholden to someone with a lot of money. Through the years we have been able to interact with people who are from a lot of money, me with my job in Commercial Loans, I often talked to CEO's and CFO's from companies like Ford Motor Company and such. We have had friends that were doctor's and investment bankers so we have been comfortable around people who have had money. We tithed a tenth of our income for many many years of late God has told us to donate our money elsewhere because we have been too comfortable saying we were tither's thinking that as tither's we would be accepted into the church. God has been showing us that it is not our tithe that prompts Him to meet our needs and I am grateful. For me I often tithed my time as well for the church because I wanted to be known as a dependable worker in the church. I am saddened that I don't have the energy to do much of the work in the church anymore although God is showing me that He has a lot of work for me to do behind the scenes. I am learning to love not being the center of the goings on in church but to come worship, fellowship and be loved for who I am. Last Sunday was Junior's birthday, his name was on the birthday list in the monthly newsletter along with other November birthday's. Many people spoke to Junior one on one to wish him a happy birthday. It was also Veterans Day weekend so the people who served in the military were asked to stand, as usual Junior refused to stand due to the way he was treated when he returned from Vietnam. People know this at church and each year want him to stand, mention it to me, to him and Junior refuses to stand. This year we were recalling the nice day Sunday was for him, he felt extra special with the one on one acknowledgement of his birthday. Junior also mentioned that next year he might stand because he feels very respected for being in the service. He relates a whole lot to Pastor Joe because they both lived a crazy childhood and respond to life in much the same way. For the first time since he was a young child and a Catholic Priest took Junior under his wing, Junior has made friends with a minister. For me Pastor Joe and Jenny feel familiarly comfortable, my parents were close friends with the Minister at the church I grew up in. There is no need to put on pretense on either of our parts, we are who we are. We are fitting into a church family in a deeper way than we have in either of our lives. I am acknowledged as Junior's wife but also I am known in my own right as well which feels extremely nice. We are also seen as a couple who love each other and are a good fit for each other, I love that too. I feel like I have met the new church found in ACT's in the Bible, we are loved, wanted and accepted for what we can do and give and are not judged strange or unacceptable. It is a good feeling. I am grateful for God having us tithe elsewhere for several years now so we could learn it is not about what we have, we give or do but because we love Jesus, that is enough to be part of the family of God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 16, 2017

Greetings My Friend,

Lately I see and hear that the entire Word of God needs to be preached not just the soft loving things in the Bible like God loves us, is slow to anger and abounding in love or Jesus loves us and we don't recall that He got angry in the Temple wiping the tables clear of the things on them, using a whip or how many times did He call the religious leaders a "Brood of Vipers", or tell the disciple's "How long must I be with you?" or "Do you still not understand!" People seem to think being a follower of Jesus is all nicey nice with no strong statements, that we have no opinion other than what the prevailing thought is. Most Christians have not read their Bible's have never even read it cover to cover and prefer to learn from a devotional guide, their Pastor's then believe whatever is taught. The sad reality is God says a whole lot to us about not listening, following His ways and following other gods, that our forefathers never even heard of. If we think we don't have any gods before the one true God, we have a problem. Some people's god is their drug of choice, sex, money, their children (that was my god before I met Jesus) and so on. Right now we are so entrenched in being PC that we can't see our noses in front of our faces, we can't see that every culture since the beginning of time has at one time or another has been enslaved, including having indentured servants in America long before the black slaves were brought over. Many blacks were indentured servants later gained their freedom and then went on to have black slaves and were as cruel to them as any other slave owners. The Civil War was over 150 years ago, not one person alive today has had slaves been a slave. Rights have been hard won but today, all people have the same rights to own property, to live where they want to live, to go to college and on and on. We are to as believers of Jesus to forgive the sins of others as our sins were forgiven by Jesus and that our sin was as grievous as the other persons sins are. My new favorite thought is "Just because someone sins differently than you does not make you better than them." If you look at the cross, into Jesus's face up on the cross you start to learn that the white lie is as awful as murder is, adultery, homosexuality and on and on. I have spent a good many years looking at the cross, from Jesus praying asking God "to take this cup of sorrow away from Him" to the beaten and swollen face, the crown of thorns on His head to the nails in His hands and feet. I want to cry thinking how awful my sins are. Lately though I am starting to see the biggest pain that Jesus had on the cross was not all the physical abuse His body endured, it was hard for me to move past all of that. The most painful part of the cross was when Jesus cried "My God, my God why have You forsaken me!" For a moment in the long relationship of eternity Jesus did not have the presence of God with Him and that made Him cry out those painful words. This teaches me that no matter what man does to man like enslaving them the most awful pain for all of us is when God is no longer in our lives on this side of eternity or on the other. Eternity is forever and the worse pain we will ever know is if we do not believe the first line of the Bible to the last line of the Bible. I am offensive because I would not wish hell on anyone in my life even my most hated enemy. So if I go to gatherings where I am thought to be a bit daft, that is okay, I know that I will be talked about, texted about, behind my back, in front of my face. In the meantime I will pray for all the souls I can to meet Jesus fully. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet