April 30 2016

Greetings My Friend, The old curb find has been pulled out to the front porch. It is waiting to be given a face lift and to be used once more. A coat of white paint has been put on most of the wardrobe and as the last of the paint is applied I have come up with a few ideas as to how to put those special finishes on it. I have several pieces of wallpaper and a piece of wallboard that have been used in this house over the years and I want to work them into the design. The pieces are small but I have several so I want to arrange what I do have and that is where I stop and start as I think this through. When I come in from being outside I feel the familiar tug on my lungs and I realize that the pollen may be the culprit. I am in the midst of another project and I love it. Recently I have started making no knead bread. I have switched my decopauge crafting from the TV room to the kitchen. I have more room to spread out and I am enjoying this too. My energy level is decent again. I am able to work for a little longer periods of time and I am thrilled. I am being productive which moves me. As I enjoy the renewed energy again I get a phone call telling me that my bone density test came back that I still have oseoprosis. I asked if the hip and lower back pain might be associated with this and I am told it very well could be. "Oh great" I think "one more problem to sort through." I decide that I am not going to let this get me down. I am doing what I can and that is all that I can do. God has held my hand recently as I struggled with the need to use the wheelchair. I had gotten myself worked up about being in a wheelchair and in the end it was not as bad as I had made it out to be in my mind. It is what I will have to deal with I can accept it and move forward or worry and fret. I have slowed way down with my walking inside our home. I know not to climb any ladders because I may fall. I am doing all I can to not fall. Through a lot of hard work I have learned and now understand more of my asthma triggers and I am doing better. God has guided me here as well. I will seek God's advice in regards to strengthening my bones more and ways to deal with potential falls. I move through these thoughts a little discouraged when I remember my project to work on. God has laid it on my heart to work on these projects and I am thankful for work to do. Work defines me and these days being creative is a new adventure for me. I always felt my creativeness was writing only. I wanted to be seen as a good mother in my younger years. I identified with this role more than my career at the bank. I liked my work but raising my children met much more to me. When Junior came along I found a career was okay but I wanted to be a wife, a mother and a grandmother. Today creating is speaking to me. Some part of me thinks that God has laid this on my heart so that I have something to fill my mind with as the seriousness of my health declines and over whelms me. I believe that dealing with the various issues with chronic illness and invisible illness is a way to help others understand their disease along with helping those that don't understand the depth of our limitations. Someone in a wheelchair makes more impact than a person struggling to breathe, to walk and with pain that can not be seen. Both the visible and invisible disabilities are handicaps and need to be understood. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 28 2016

April 28 2016 Greetings My Friend My question to God these days is "How do I walk in the spirit when I am hurting with back pain, seeing my walking decline and needing help to get around like Junior pushing me in the wheelchair. For some time now God has been pointing me to the heart, mostly learning to see other peoples heart not their outward actions. Today was no exception as I walked with God reading His Word. I am taught ""From now on, therefore, we regard no according to the flesh,... Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation." For years I would read that I am a new creation in Christ and to be honest I was not sure how, I believed but I did not feel new especially as I struggled with life issues. When I went to my journal afterwards I was led to Galatians 5:22 and this passage opened the eyes of my heart to the new creation in Christ. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love,joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, against such things there is no law." At this point I saw the "new creation" I am becoming. I am much more patient with myself, with others and even in a round about way with God. The same goes with the rest of the list I am not what I was when I started this journey in earnest. Since I live in a declining world and body I have my moments still. It is hard letting go of abilities I have had for over a lifetime such as walking, having a sense of energy and the "unknown" of what will come next. Little is known about these disorders, I have not had a neurosurgeon who understands my disorder so the uncertainty plagues me. I want to face this unknown issue and fight much the same as I did with breast cancer. It was a fairly straight forward disease, the doctors told me what to expect and the procedures I would be undergoing. Once I understood I felt able to pray and I knew I was going to be okay. Even though I knew my cancer would not kill me I had my moments. Some good friends who had survived their cancer found out a year or so latter that they had cancer once more and I struggled with this potential. One day it came to me that either way I win. I would recover and live life again or I would die and be with Jesus. Once I came to peace with death I settled down. I want to enter into that fight with my disorder except I don't know a lot. This area of lack tugs at me all the time and I keep going back to God when my anxiety gets the best of me. The more I read I see that anxiety is part of the disease, oh joy. The good news is I need to keep talking to God to stay calm and with my PCP's caring concern we are doing a lot of trial and error. So how does the Fruit of Spirit work in all of this? God points me to areas He has work for me to do. A couple within our community has entered into mine and Junior's life. The gentleman is recovering from addiction, he is on his faith journey with Jesus. His girlfriend also is recovering from abuse, addiction. I have an opportunity to reach out in love, joy, peace, patience..... I understand her reluctance to do certain things. She visits me while Junior and her boyfriend are doing something around the house or he is finding a way to earn some extra money. We are involved and the more I am involved the less I have time to dwell on what is going on in my body. When I slow down and have quiet time I begin to see God is moving in my struggle. He lines me up with another ataxia patient,my hygentist sp. has this disorder, she has a neurosurgeon in our area and I now have an appointment in June. In the meantime my PCP lines up some tests so that when I do go he will have something to look at right off. More than likely I will need further tests, hopefully the further tests will lead to more information. At times I want answers now and I learn "not my time but God's time." I am learning patience on another level. As scary as all of this is I know I can trust God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 26 2016

Greetings My Friend Each time I "hear" the heart message this year I grasp its significance more when I am in God's Word. The same goes with "God is spirit." I have read these things for a long time and I understood on a basic level the meaning but this year that meaning is sinking deeper into my mind. God is spirit and Jesus teaches us that "He must leave so He can send the helper, the Holy Spirit." The Holy Spirit connects with our spirit and at this level we begin to learn and grow spiritually. I have been growing for some time now without truly grasping what has been going on within me. Sometimes I was hit or miss with what I perceived God was telling me. The longer I walk with Jesus I find a confidence building within me. I learn that I will not be abandoned on this journey, I will be tested with many trials and then I will find the strength I need to endure as I lift my eyes to Jesus. I am learning that "...we look not to the things that are seen but the things that are unseen, but the things that are unseen are eternal." Along with this new way of "seeing" I am learning to see the intentions of others hearts too. Years ago I bought into the idea we were all basically good, we needed to be understood. My favorite person to base my thinking on was James Dean, he was perceived as a bad guy with a good heart. I admit I seem to be attracted to this kind of man for some reason and these men seem to find me. Even Junior in his day was like these type of men, the difference though is when he gave his heart to Jesus a change started taking place in him. I like to tell people the difference with the type of men who walk on the "other side of life" is Junior was through with all his wordly ways when I met him. He no longer drank, gambled or womanized. In fact when we married we pledged to each other to be faithful to God first and then to each other and to not invite ourselves into a position of cheating. We strive to not to be alone with the member of the opposite sex. It may seem silly but to us it is important. If we are we tell each other so the secretiveness won't take over. Junior feels safe and I feel safe. He asked me if I was committed to being married for the rest of our lives. This too has been a huge comfort to me even though when he asked me I felt "of course." I had also thought "I have been divorced and lived through it if I had to I could do it again." The fact is the first marriage breaking up tore me apart and I don't ever want to feel this way again so I keep trying. With this marriage the trying is not as hard. I respect Junior and he loves me in a respectful way. I did not know what respect looked like until I met it and even now what I consider respect is not the same as what Junior thinks respect is. I learned from a seminar called "Love and Respect," that women want love and we all know this but what I learned is men feel love by being respected. The passage reads something like this "Men love your wives....wives respect your husbands." This seminar brought home the fact men and women hear differently by using the example "men have blue hearing aids and women have pink hearing aids." This seminar was hosted by our church so the speakers referred to Scripture passages and these passages have stayed in our hearts as we live side by side. I understand now that even though when I heard this message I was not fully in tuned to the Holy Spirit, I was learning and growing in the Holy Spirit. I also believe I am still not fully in tune with the Holy Spirit's prompting on my heart but I know He is there and I will learn as I need to learn. I am comforted again. God teaches me "I will not leave you or forsake you." Even if I don't fully "get it" I trust by faith.

April 23, 2916

Greetings My Friend, So this is what chronic pain feels like. For a week or so the pain was edgy but doable. Last night and this morning if I were to rate the pain, I would give it an 8. My minds searches for something to tame inflamation and I remember my ginseng tea is one. I need to make some like Now! I wrap my hip and lower back in a heated blanket and out of the blue I do some leg stretches spinal twists and the pain level goes down a notch. I rub some blue goo on and slowly the pain level goes lower to a manageable level. I am trying to stay away from pain medication and so far I have not resorted to not using any. Weight is another struggle I am working on. Since starting this new medication I am gaining weight. I keep telling myself I will become active enough to help slow the weight gain down and maybe even loose weight. I realize my activity level is not where I was a year ago and I need to find a way to exercise besides cleaning the house. I don't walk the stores anymore either. Junior got me an exercise bike that has multiple functions so I can use the one that works for me on a given day. First he needs to clear out the spare bedroom and set it up as a gym and a bed for the occasional guest we have. We have a fold down couch which we can use and have room for some exercise equipment. My guess that stretching and loosing some weight will help with the pain factor. Now that I have the pain under control I am off to the kitchen. I am loving having a kitchen finally. There are many things that needs to be done but for me the kitchen is now workable. Over the weekend I made no knead bread for the first time and from scratch muffins. The next day I decopauged Junior's Bible box at the table and today I am making lemon ginger ice tea, no bake peanut butter cookies, peanut butter dip and maybe home made bread again. I don't know if I can do all of this but I am going to try. I sit a lot while I make these things. I get all the ingredients together and then sit while I mix them and prepare them. It is hard learning to sit so much but if I do I am able to last longer. I know I will take some time outs even a nap or 2. That is what is nice about retirement, I have all day to get what I want to done. I stop a few minutes to look out the kitchen window. This part of the house sets up high, I can see many of the tree tops and some of the leaves are budding a few have tiny leaves blowing in the wind. I still can see a section of the road and the occasional car drive down it. The white clouds look like fluffy clouds of cotton and the sky is a powder blue. I am thankful for the quiet of our country home, it is peaceful. These scenes calm a lot of anxiety that tries to over take me. I thank God again for the conviction to pick up and move out here. In the midst of turmoil with declining limitations I have a picture perfect place to let go and let God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 21 2016

Greetings My Friend I am amazed with the lessons I learn as I read the Bible each day. Isaiah's passage "Tell the righteous that is shall be well with them for they shall eat the fruit of their deeds. Woe to the wicked! It shall be ill with them, for what his hands have dealt out shall be done to them." Next I wen to 2 Corinthians to hear Paul teach and prayer was talked about. "Indeed we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.... You must help us by prayer so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessings granted to us through the prayers of many."I learn that if my heart desires the things God desires I will seek to do good. Good is defined by God's goodness, help the lost, lonely, hurting of this world with a heart that seeks God. In recent years Junior and I have attempted to reach out to some financially poor people. Along with being poor some are also lost and lonely. We have offered rides, things of our abundance, food, clothing and even furniture. Some of those who are hurting are truly not looking to move out of their struggles. They think they are but when guided they find a reason why it won't work and stay with the comfortable. Some take and take and take some more and they too do not work to move themselves out of their situation. At some point we walk away. Then there are the ones who take what we have to offer and slowly begin to move themselves from the situation they are in to a better place.That feels real nice. To me that is reaping what we so. There is much enjoyment in that reaching back to give a helping hand. Next I see Paul teaching us as believers first that hardships will be a part of our walk with God. Many times I find these hardships extremely difficult and often wonder why. Later though I marvel at the lessons that came from that difficult journey I went through. I see strength because by relying on God I was able to stay the course and move through my struggle, this too is a joyous moment. The going well was the ability to endure, to trust and in the end to see the good that came from staying the course with God's hand guiding me and holding me. Sometimes I see my faith journey not unlike an athlete who practices and works hard at their field of endeavor. The final result is not just a toned body but the ability to grow in their sport and to play it well. My faith journey to me is building my spiritual muscle. Being in the spirit for me has been confusing and hard to find. Much of what I am learning as I read the Bible talks about the natural world which I get since I live in it. My journey is taking me from the natural to the spiritual. The OT is a whole lot of physical descriptions such as circumcision and in the NT I learn that the physical cutting away of skin becomes a cutting away at my heart not the physical heart another worldly term but of my spiritual heart. Someone prayed for me to open my spiritual heart to God and I did. Someone walked with me as I left dysfunction and turned to a functional way of dealing with life. That functional way is Jesus. Because someone cared I opened my heart to Jesus and now I pray I am a catalyst to open another person's heart with God's loving hand guiding me. At the end of the day I pray I hear God's voice, grow in God's grace and Word and then move towards those He puts me in touch with. For me reaping what I sow is learning to God's will. My prayers and the prayers of others helps me stay on track. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 19 2016

Greetings My Friend While I was helping Junior change his bandage he was telling me he feels that he needs to learn a lesson and this is why God allowed him to injure his thumb. I often see life lessons from the things that happen to me so his thoughts made sense. Sometimes I think God allows things to happen for various reasons. Some of the lessons from God can be hard to swallow but at the end of the lesson it was the right one to learn and grow with. I feel Junior's pain each time we change his bandages. I hate seeing him go through this and I also know there are times all the subtle nudges were ignored so God has to get our attention. Junior related his lesson to the OT where God's people were blessed by Him and then they got lazy and began to follow other gods. God sent the prophets to tell His people and the prophets were ignored. God warned that if the people did not listen they would be put into captivity and still His people refused to listen and finally the people were taken into captivity. In captivity the people repented and in time God set them free. This happened over and over until the people were put into captivity for a very long time. I have seen this scene play out in my own life and it truly hurts. At the end of the day though I am grateful for the lesson even if it was painful. I marvel at how strong I am "in the Lord" because on my own I could not endure. After a while I also find a need to share my testimony with others.When I know that I am not alone in my journey of recovery I am comforted so I have a need to share so others may also find comfort in the Lord. Junior and I have had several opportunities to minister to other people since moving to Virginia and in my mind I thought we were to continue along the same path. With Junior's accident I see that a new ministry may be forming and we need to prepare for the work we are to be given. Junior having to slow down on the renovating due to his thumb being out of commission seems to be pointing to that direction. As he says the house will get done in God's time. I do not know how and yes I am a little anxious but I also believe God so I will tell Him my fear and then relax and move as we are directed. Our home is livable these days. The kitchen and bathrooms are functional now, not pretty yet and I have a work area in the kitchen finally where I can prepare meals. Most of the electrical plugs are in place so I can keep the crock pot in one place as I prepare meals in it. The canned goods all have a home now and with a good working space I am able to form my routine with little or no variations. I have decorated much of the house with curtains, placing the furniture where I like it and there is comfort there as well. With our home in decent order I am able to move in another direction more comfortably. We may still fix on the house but at a slower pace I am not sure. Time will tell. At the end of the day I know that I am able to accept this change of direction without a lot of anxiety. God will comfort those moments where anxiety will arise, today I am sure of that so I move forward into the unknown. We have moved from Michigan to Virginia and then we moved another time here in Virginia. I have worked through a host of health issues, learning to live in renovation upheaval and I am stronger emotionally. Each step of the way God has held my hand and nudged me forward at the right time. I may balk from time to time and I know God will be right there at my side. I keep learning, in God's time not mine. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 16 2016

April 16 2016 Greetings My Friend, I was having a rather hard day the other day. I hand stitched a tee shirt quilt a while ago for Junior. By the time I finished my hands were shaking too much so I have wanted to use a sewing machine to put the back of the quilt on. Many years ago I did some sewing and gave it up when I sewed my wedding dress inside out (for my 1st wedding). I tried a few more times and totally gave up sewing until the last few years. I started off with cross stitch and loved that and then the tee shirt quilt idea struck and off I went into the unknown again. I have been trying to remember how to thread the machine and finally was able to figure that out. Reading directions are hard for me, I do better when I see someone show me. Next I needed to thread the bobbin and that is where I have been stuck for a few months now. It came to me to use Youtube as a way to learn and it is helpful. After a few videos I realized I took out the entire casing instead of just the bobbin and getting it back together is a huge challenge for me. I had worked a good 3 hours trying to figure it all out when I gave up completely. I wrote of my woes on Facebook something about when life gives you lemons make tuna casserole (my comfort food). I went on about how my home economics teacher would be so ashamed of me and my total disdain. Add to the irritation of my sewing escapade one of our beloved dogs got ran over too. I was attempting to sew to distract myself from the pain of loosing another pet. Our 2 cats who were 17 and 20 have died in the last few months so a young dog was a hard one. In my younger years I would have found something to slam or throw to let off my steam. With God's help today I don't need to break dishes, strike my fist into a pillow or throw things across the room. I do feel the irritation though while I don't get tied up in knots like have in the past. My physical reaction to anger started to disappear when I married Junior. When I struggled with an issue he listened to me and validated my feelings. He has never raised his fists in anger with me which also helped me to move out of reacting to anger with throwing and such. In my first marriage anger was pretty much a daily experience. Anger generally was resolved with aggression. The more I moved away from so much anger the Proverbs teaching on anger made sense. Anger begets anger. It is wise to walk away from an angry person than to stay with them because you will end up responding in like manner. This is so true, I see it now. The Bible also teaches us to not be unequally yoked. I hear it as a believer not marry a non believer. For years this did not make sense to me as well. Today I understand a bit more, it is like the anger issue figuratively, if you are married to an unbeliever and you are a believer the unbeliever will over ride your belief somehow. We are to reach out to an unbelieving world for sure but we also need to immerse ourselves with other believers where we can build each other up so when we go out to the unbelieving world we will remain strong in the Lord. I again see this in my own life. I was a marginal believer at best and I walked away from my faith. When I divorced I asked God for a believing husband and when I met Junior I knew he was a believing and living his faith kind of a man. Our marriage is strong not because of what we do but because we attempt to make Jesus the center of our marriage. Learning to listen to the Holy Spirit teach us to be what each other needs keeps us open to God's will in our lives. God has worked on our issues and as we have heard we have walked away from much of the dysfunction of our past. We are " a cord of 3 strands that are not easily broken."